Dave Barry's Blog

A STANDARD DIAGNOSTIC PROCEDURE

Chevy dealer replaces customer's Corvette after employee's 148-mph street race

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THIS IS WHY WE KEEP OUR COWS OUTDOORS

Woman comes home to discover COWS named Bandit and SOB trashed her home leaving broken furniture, ruined toys and piles of manure

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner and pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CRICKETS

Chronically lonely flies overeat and lose sleep

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE’RE NOT SAYING THERE IS A SUPREME BEING, AND WE’RE NOT SAYING THAT IF THERE IS, THAT BEING AGREES WITH THIS BLOG’S ASSESSMENT OF CERTAIN MUSICAL PERFORMERS

But we cannot help but note who was performing at the “We Love NYC” concert when the weather shut it down.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and David Clausing)

BUT IT HAS CONVENIENT ACCESS TO THE TOILET

Landlord tries to rent out a bathroom with a desk shoved in as an ‘office space’

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

YOU KNOW WHO’S BEHIND THIS

Corsica closes beaches after rampaging cows hurt tourists

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

ATTEMPTING TO WHAT?

9:31 a.m. An older youth was attempting to hooky-bob behind a car on his skateboard.

3:09 p.m. A suspicious looking drug deal turned out to be a two people bagging up huckleberries. 

You know the county.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE WORKING WRITER

Brad Staggs, an American soldier stationed in the Middle East, recently interviewed me for his podcast, The Working Writer. Apparently he was under the impression that I am working. Ha ha! Just kidding! Sort of. But seriously, Brad is a good man and I enjoyed the interview, which you can find here. The Apple Podcast version is here.

DRUNKEN ELEPHANT-DRIVERS CONTINUE TO BE WELCOME ON THE STREETS OF MIAMI

Sri Lanka bans 'drunk driving' of elephants in new protection law

(Thanks to Ralph)

OF COURSE IT IS

Australian Golf Course Pond Is Home to Aggressive Bull Sharks

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHERE ARE ALL THOSE BUBBLES COMING FROM?

Sexually frustrated sea snakes mistake scuba divers for potential mates

(Thanks to many people)

Related: Radioactive snakes may monitor Fukushima fallout

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BECAUSE THINGS WEREN’T BAD ENOUGH ALREADY

The Milky Way Broke one of its Arms

(Thanks to The Perts)

WAIT... DID THE SKUNK OWN A CAR?

A man was arrested cutting a car’s tires with a knife after getting sprayed by a skunk on Monday night, Madison police reported.

(Thanks to Patrick Lenon)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE AND A CAN OF GLADE ARE ON THE WAY

Driver crashes into occupied port-a-potty on Madison's East Side

(Thanks to Patrick Lenon)

ONE GIVEAWAY IS THAT YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE SAYS 'AUSTRALIA'

This Is the No. 1 Sign There's a Snake in Your House, Experts Say

Related: North Carolina Mom Finds Snake in Her Toilet in '2am Terror'

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

AS RECOMMENDED BY THE MANUFACTURER

Man sinks car into Yakima River to 'fill up radiator' with water

(Thanks to Stan Ruth and B'game)

'SHAPE' MAY BE A BIT OF AN EXAGGERATION

Nessie hunter claims to have filmed the biggest ever sighting of Loch Ness Monster as 30ft long shape seen in water

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I'm convinced.")

HEY, THEY HAVE TO EAT, TOO

Woman comes face-to-face with 10-foot snake in Australia supermarket

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner and Woozy Barnes, who says "Cleanup on aisle 6.")

SOMEHOW WE MISSED THIS

Idaho man balances 101 toilet paper rolls on forehead, breaks world record

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

(No, this blog is not done hiatusing. But this was urgent.)

UPDATE FROM SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA THAT IS NOT WIDAHO

If you -- like so many people in these difficult times -- have dirty crawfish, there is hope.

UPDATE FROM WIDAHO

Unfortunately we cannot provide a detailed update from Widaho because we are no longer in Widaho. But we assume all is well there.

UPDATE FROM WIDAHO

I am teaching my grandson Kyle how to farm. The plan is to let him drive this tractor around until crops develop.

UPDATE FROM WIDAHO

It's good to be a grandpa.

UPDATE FROM WIDAHO

Out here they are observing strict mask protocol.

WIDAHO UPDATE ADVISORY

Be advised that there is no Widaho update.

DISTURBING UPDATE FROM WIDAHO

The ski resorts here have NO SNOW. Please do not try to tell this blog that climate change is a "myth."

UPDATE FROM WIDAHO

UPDATE

Hello from this blog's secret location, which we cannot reveal other than to say it rhymes with "Widaho." We got here via commercial aviation, which we do not recommend, as the airline industry currently has a policy in effect under which every flight that is not delayed must, for safety reasons, be canceled. But we had no choice; all the wagon trains are booked.

Anyway, we eventually made it. Widaho is beautiful, though most people who've never been here think it's just a bunch of wotato fields.

Feel free to comment in the comment section. That's why we call it the "comment section."

SUMMERTIME ADVISORY

For the next two weeks this blog will be on hiatus (from the ancient Greek words "hia," meaning "not," and "tus," meaning "blogging"). We will probably post random items from time to time, but you will have to rely on some other source for the kind of comprehensive global hard-hitting news coverage we provide. 

THIS WOULD BE EXTREMELY USEFUL IN MIAMI

Mechanic customizes car to shoot flames from headlights

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THIS CLIMATE CHANGE IS GETTING OUT OF HAND

City worker reels in alligator from Michigan sewage lagoon

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Scientists mail freeze-dried mouse sperm on a postcard

(Thanks to Barry Nester, Andrew Mendez, Alkali Bill, Michael Moyer and Ralph)

AUSTRALIANS ARE LIKE, 'SO?'

Highly poisonous cobra on the loose in Grand Prairie

(Thanks to Dave N. and Asher Scheiner)

IT WOULD TAKE A HEART OF STONE NOT TO LAUGH

Little boy nurtures caterpillar into butterfly — until dog eats it

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YES

New law targeting slow left lane drivers in SC goes into effect soon

(Thanks to pharmaross, who observes, correctly, that "A similar law in Florida  would rake in millions of dollars.)

WAS IT A CONSENTING ELMO?

Home inspector charged with indecent act with stuffed dolL

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CHLOE! I NEED AN ‘E’, DAMMIT!

There’s a Kiefer Sutherland guitar.

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

MAYBE SO, BUT WE’D BE MORE BOTHERED BY A PERSON SITTING ON OUR BACK

Equestrian jumpers say horses might spook at life-size sumo wrestler statue

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Ralph)

OLYMPICS UPDATE

According to Reuters, a life-sized emu and kangaroo — the Australian team’s mascots — also temporarily disappeared from the Australian team’s accommodation, but were later found in the area where the German team is staying.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Men who ejaculate at least 21 times a month slash their risk of prostate cancer by A THIRD, Harvard study finds

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Men have been begging women for help in this department for years, now we have a Harvard study to prove we need this assistance.")

AND IN SPORTS

Cat runs onto field at Yankee Stadium

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, who says "The only Yankee I could ever cheer for.")

DID THEY CHECK UNDER THE SOFA CUSHIONS?

Bolivia’s second-largest lake disappears

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

Airborne turtle survives crash through windshield on Florida highway

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

OUT OF THE WATER, MEN

Environmental scientist warns that pollution is causing penises to shrink

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE REPORT

Iguana Found Thrashing Around Toilet In Hollywood Home

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THAT'S PRETTY FAR INLAND FOR AN ICEBERG

At least three guests were injured Monday night after an iceberg wall collapsed at the Titanic Museum Attraction in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

We blame climate change.

(Thanks to Ed. Floden)

A GIANT LEAP

Masturbatory aid rocket launches in Japan

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW MPB OPEN FOR CHIPMUNKS WITH PLAGUE

Couple Arrested For Mutual Pasta Battery

(Thanks to pharmaross, Rod Nunley and Bill Hudgins, who says "They could serve 6 months orzo.")

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

New Study Finds That Crows Are So Intelligent They Understand the Concept of Zero

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY TOURED WITH THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY

Chipmunks with plague prompt closure of some areas of South Lake Tahoe

(Thanks to ImNotDave, Le Petomane and Ralph)