Dave Barry's Blog

'PHIL MCCRACKEN? PHIL MCCRACKEN?'

Apparently this school board official doesn't watch The Simpsons.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

HE HEARD THEM BEEP

Man undressed in Lowe's, fearing bomb in his pants

(Thanks tp pharmaross)

GOOD LUCK GETTING THAT ON A DOG

The Canine Cleanroom Suit

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Ireland under attack from sex-crazed spiders 'the size of your hand'

(Thanks to Ralph)

CHECK THE FBI DATABASE

Georgia husband gets ‘suspicious’ after finding ‘butt cheek’ prints on family car

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WAIT... THE DOG HAS A DOORBELL?

Man arrested for training his dog to throw bricks at people ringing his doorbell

(Thanks to MAC)

AT SOME EARLIER POINT THERE MIGHT ALSO HAVE BEEN A CAT UP THERE

RSPCA and firefighters called to rescue a 10ft long python from a tree in Cambridgeshire

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

CSI: PITTSBURGH

Police investigate after rhino head is found on street corner in Aspinwall

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PSYCHOLOGISTS TACKLE THE TOUGH QUESTIONS

Would men be more willing to assist women with nipple erection as opposed to those without?

(Thanks to Bulova)

HUH

Canadians are having more sex during the pandemic, unless they’re living with their partners

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THAT'LL INSPIRE THEM

Philippines Vaccine Centre Plays Zombie Movie World War Z While People Wait For Jab

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A FAIRYTALE WEDDING

Tennessee bride arrested and charged with biting a police officer after a fight broke out at her wedding

(Thanks to AmoebaStampede)

NOW IT'S SERIOUS

Heatwave and lack of water stops Scots whisky production

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

SOME DAY, PERHAPS WITHIN OUR LIFETIMES, A ROBOTIC ARM WILL MAKE GUACAMOLE IN SPACE, AND THERE WILL BE ANTS IN IT

SpaceX launches ants, avocados, robotic arm to space station

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CSI: SAPPORO

Nakamura allegedly entered the store, clicked on his lighter, and pointed it at the manager, saying: “Out with the money or I’ll light you up!”

(Thanks to Ralph)

AUSTRALIAAAAAA

Nothing Can Eat Australia’s Cane Toads—So They Eat Each Other

(Thanks to The Perts and SeanT, who says "Reminds me of reality TV.")

TRAFFIC ADVISORY

Snake Road to close for fall migration

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WITHOUT STUDIES, WE WOULD KNOW NOTHING

It really is difficult to get fit after giving birth, study reveals

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

UPON ARRIVAL IT WILL BE PRESENTED WITH A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

A self-healing 'blob' from space will soon be arriving on Earth

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Female octopuses throw things at males that are harassing them

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IT USED TO BE BASEBALL CARDS

Parents must pay $30,441 for getting rid of son’s porn cache

(Thanks to pharmaross, ImNotDave and Kevin Meerschaert)

WHEW

Pineapple juice ruled out as the cause of Cowdenbeath mystery puddle

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS EXPLAINS A LOT

One-third of Investors Trade While Drunk

(Thanks to Tim Couch)

SORRY ABOUT THE LACK OF POSTING TODAY

I'm busy being an author at the Sonoma Valley Authors Festival, where I got to catch up with my bandmate Amy Tan and another excellent author (and great guy) Walter Isaacson. They were attracted by my signage, which I carry everywhere so that people know who I am.

A REMINDER ABOUT POSTING POLITICAL VIEWS IN THE COMMENTS

Please don't. That's not why people come here. Thank you.

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE NORWEGIAN CONSTITUTION

In Norway, peeing toward Russia will get you fined

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

HOW DO YOU BREAK UP ONE PERSON?

New Zealand police break up one-person anti-lockdown protest in Auckland

(Thanks to Ralph)

PRESUMABLY THEY ORDERED CHICKEN

Backseat cows spotted in Wisconsin McDonald's drive-through line

(Thanks to B'game, pharmaross and Jane Linderman)

YET ANOTHER GRIM STATISTIC

Number of French women sunbathing topless hits its lowest for 40 years amid fears they could be secretly photographed and posted on social media

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, who asks "And just where, exactly, is the UN when you need them?")

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Skateboards containing Tony Hawk’s blood sell out overnight

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALL WE KNOW AT THIS POINT IS THAT IS HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Mystery ‘jellyfish-shaped object’ filmed ‘entering Earth’s atmosphere’ by stunned Russians

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

Update: 'UFO' seen on Florida Turnpike turns heads

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Something Is Going On: Mystery object drops into Ti­tusville couple's yard

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

BUT THEY WON'T LET YOU DRIVE IT

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile to surprise Lyft riders

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

This blog was way ahead of its time.

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Neuroscientists Detect Remarkable 'Brain Waves' in Lab-Grown Mini Brains

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

SOUNDS FUN!

Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong With Indonesia's Plan for 'Jurassic Park' on Island Filled with Komodo Dragons

(Thanks to ImNotDave)

WE BELIEVE THEY TOURED WITH WHITESNAKE

Polish national park warns about giant cannibal alien slugs

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUST WHAT WE NEED: OBESE POTATOES

SCIENTISTS ADD HUMAN FAT GENE INTO POTATOES TO MAKE THEM GROW HUGE

(Thanks to Ralph)

NOPE

This Dining Table Has a Hole For Your Cat To Peak Through And Join You For Dinner

(Thanks to John Lobert)

"Peak?"

FLORIDA MARINE REPORT

A package of cocaine worth about $1 million dollars turned up on a Boca Raton beach.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

THE SCARIEST PART IS, IT ISN'T EVEN *IN* JAPAN

World's Fastest Rollercoaster Is Shut Down For Breaking Bones In Japan

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

GUESS THE STATE

A nurse was arrested on a drunk driving charge after crashing her car at Villages Rehab.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

CRIMESTOPPERS

“Also, as an important tip, trying to flush a lot of coke might just clog the toilet.”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

INCREDIBLY, IT DOES NOT LIVE IN AUSTRALIA

It looks like bird dung, but it’s really a predatory spider

(Thanks to Ralph)

YUM!

“Modular squared food.”

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

DOES A BEAR WIPE IN THE WOODS?

Bear steals Amazon package of toilet paper from Connecticut home, video shows

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

THAT'S GOOD LUCK, RIGHT?

Man discovers ladybug living inside his colon

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, pharmaross and Buck L.)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Gigantic poop almost kills man

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Viewers Baffled After ESPN Broadcasts Corgi Racing On Main Channel

Hey, it's a LOT more action than golf.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IF CANADA GETS ANY MORE EXCITING WE MAY HAVE TO SPRAY TRANQUILIZERS ON IT FROM PLANES

'A thrilling sign': Researchers discover secret colony of highly endangered marmots on Vancouver Island

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

LONG SHOT

Horse escapes racetrack, runs down Kentucky highway

Needless to say it was released after producing a valid Florida driver's license.

(Thanks to EricY)

IT’S WHEN WE DO OUR BEST THINKING

Defecation Regenerates The Brain Capacity Of Guinea Pigs

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)