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June 22, 2021

CANADA PLUNGES EVEN DEEPER INTO ANARCHY

Saskatoon beaver steals Canadian flag, makes dinner out of flag pole

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

YOU KNOW THIS GOT HIGH FIVES FROM THE OTHER HEADLINE WRITERS

When an Eel Climbs a Ramp to Eat Squid From a Clamp, That’s a Moray

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

DUDE, PASS THE... THING

Years of Smoking Weed May Leave You Grasping for Words

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Austrian soldier in trouble for pics of swastika tattoo on testicle

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

ON ORDERS FROM THE SQUIRRELS

Gypsy moth caterpillars rain poop down on upstate NY

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

SHE WENT TO THE ATM FOR $20

According to the bank receipt she received, Yonkowski had $999,985,855.94 in her account.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY'RE CUTE IN THEIR LITTLE MULTI-ARM SPACESUITS

NASA sends squid from Hawaii into space for research

(Thanks to EricY and Jim Kenaston)

WE NEED THIS FOR CONGRESS

A CCTV Company Is Paying Remote Workers in India to Yell at Armed Robbers

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Roberto)

IT WAS THE ONLY HONORABLE COURSE OF ACTION

A Vancouver man who allegedly shot an acquaintance in the leg Tuesday told police he fired at the man after being mooned.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Marilyn Monroe’s Giant Underpants Are Causing a Stir in Palm Springs

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

EVER FIND A COCKROACH IN YOUR KITCHEN?

It could be worse.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Project seeks to unlock the secrets of Yukon bear scat

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "Yes it does. In the woods. Now what?")

WE DON'T KNOW, AND WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

Is unvaccinated sperm really the next Bitcoin?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

June 21, 2021

BEST PART: 'EACH DRIVER CALLED THE POLICE'

Toyota drivers trade gunshots on I-95 during the Miami rush hour

IS ANYONE SURPRISED?

Australia the highest per capita cocaine user in the world

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SPORTS UPDATE FROM ABROAD

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Sports Update From Abroad.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE CAN DRIVE AND VOTE HERE

Famed escapee Buddy the beefalo adjusting to life in Florida

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

The Tamagotchi is making a comeback with the Tamagotchi Smart wearable

(Thanks to Dave N.)

WE SAW P.I.P.O. OPEN FOR E.L.O.

42,000 pounds of missing pistachios leads to possible illegal pistachio operation

(Thanks to Ralph, The Fourth George, pharmaross and Michael and Camille)

BOLO

800 kg cow dung stolen from village in Chhattisgarh, police register theft case

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: ROSWELL

32 hair pieces among items reported stolen

The aliens want to blend in.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

June 20, 2021

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, FELLOW DADS

Here's a column I wrote about us.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THERE ARE NO MORE HEROES

Japanese love doll mistaken for drowned corpse, saved by emergency services anyway

(Thanks to Ralph)

'THIS WAS A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY'

Manhattan City Council candidate caught with dominatrix in leaked video

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CANCEL THAT TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD

World's largest farm tractor coming to Kalispell

(Thanks to Nelson From Michigan)

THIS IS HOW THEY FUND THEIR EVIL SCHEMES

Rescued squirrel stands guard over cash drawer

(Thanks to ImNotDave)

June 19, 2021

GUESS THE STATE

Man arrested after driving wrong way in Burger King drive-thru

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU CAN'T HAVE TOO MANY

Man suspected of stealing at least 63 golf carts

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WHAT CHOICE DID HE HAVE?

His bagel didn’t have cream cheese, so he pulled gun on a police chief’s daughter, cops say

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

O THE HUMANITY

Air Force Says Hypersonic Missile Tests Could Kill Four Snails And 90 Clams

(Thanks to Ralph)

AS RECOMMENDED BY LEGAL EXPERTS

A Texas man literally asked a game warden who pulled him over for driving erratically to hold his beer.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WORLD'S BRAVEST VETERINARIAN

Aquarium shark receives underwater surgery for prolapsed rectum

(Thanks to Ralph)

'APPARENTLY'

McDonald’s employee apparently quits with drive-thru ‘I hate this job' sign

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TAKING IMPROV TO A NEW LEVEL

Viewers are raising safety concerns over a Chinese play, in which real-life wolves were seen chasing performers through the middle of a crowded theater in Xi’an.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CANADA PLUNGES EVEN DEEPER INTO ANARCHY

A Sask. couple was caught having sex on someone else’s lawn. Then they started throwing rocks

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SO WE CAN FIND LOST ROLLER COASTERS

Scientists are teaching drones to hunt down human screams

(Thanks to wiredog)

THE OFFICIAL START OF SUMMER

Washington's first Asian giant hornet of the season detected in Snohomish County

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

June 18, 2021

EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A HOBBY

Nebraska man makes 60 naked skydiving jumps in 24 hours

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THEY WERE WORTH ‘N1.3 MILLION,’ WHATEVER ‘N’ IS

Court remands driver for allegedly stealing 41 toilet seats

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, who says “Police now have what to go on.”)

SOMETIMES IT’S HARD TO BE A WOMAN

Weird 'living fossil' fish lives 100 years, pregnant for 5

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and dc, who says “Big deal. Keith Richards is 150, easy.”)

THAT SHOULD DO IT

Netherlands offers free herring as Covid jab incentive

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE CORRECT TERM IS ‘LADY OF THE NIGHT’

A US news website wrongly substituted a rugby position in a headline to label Leicester Tigers hooker Tom Youngs a "prostitute".

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

It is both good and bad.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

June 17, 2021

SO WEIRD, BECAUSE THIS USUALLY WORKS

Couple handcuffed together for 123 days in a bid to save relationship break up

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

DO CICADAS LIKE THE BEACH?

Apparently.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Florida Man On Clearwater Beach Says He Had Permission To Expose Himself

In his defense, he was wearing a shirt.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

UPDATE ON THE RAGING BATMAN ORAL-SEX CONTROVERSY

“Batman Forever” star Val Kilmer — who played the legendary Dark Knight in Joel Schumacher’s 1995 film — suggested the Caped Crusader is always down for oral action in a now-viral tweet posted Wednesday.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HOW DO YOU TIP IT?

Black Bear Spotted Performing Pole Dance Routine in New Hampshire

(Thanks to John W.)

WE ASSUME THIS IS A LOUD FROG

Scientists name frog found in Ecuadorian Andes after Led Zeppelin

(Thanks to doug Ogg)

'AWKWARD ' IS ONE WORD FOR IT

Awkward Instagram Beauty Trend: Hairy Nails

(Thanks to John Lobert)

 
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