Dave Barry's Blog

IF YOU SAY SO

Konami Announces Partnership With Bloober Team Amid Silent Hill Rumours

YEAH, THAT'LL SOLVE THE PROBLEM

The infamous town of F–king was renamed Fugging — and no one noticed

(Thanks to pharmaross)

APPARENTLY HE NEEDS TO BE MORE OFFICIALLY ANTI-VIOLENT

CA news crew held up at gunpoint — during interview with anti-violence official

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS MIGHT EXPLAIN BITCOIN

…one of the basic functions of a free market is quietly practiced by fungi.

(Thanks to Ralph)

‘SOFT PARTS?’

Cookie-cutter sharks are a small species of shark about the size of a domestic cat that will attack predators several times their size, biting off conical chunks of their flesh, and even the soft parts of nuclear submarines.

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUST WATER FOR US, THANKS

Bull penis and maggot cheese on menu at disgusting food exhibition

(Thanks to ImNotDave)

HE DESERVES A LARGE INVISIBLE SETTLEMENT

A Gainesville artist who created an invisible sculpture is suing an Italian artist for profiting off his idea.

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert) 

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Man Allegedly Threatens to Blow Up McDonald's Due to Inadequate Dipping Sauce for Nuggets

(Thanks to John Lobert, Rick Day, Barry Nester, Asher Scheiner, pharmaross and Ralph)

NAUTICAL GUYS IN ACTION

Man builds drivable Navy destroyer on golf cart

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Where to store ketchup.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE HANG AROUND OUTSIDE WHALE KEG PARTIES

Ex-Cop Arrested For Smuggling 'Whale Vomit' Worth $77.5 Million

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SOUNDS LEGIT

According to Peter McIndoe, with the Birds Arent Real movement, all birds in the United States were killed by the government and replaced by federal drones.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins) 

GOT RATS?

Get a snake.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Note: We’re referring to the second video, not the first one, which shows (ho hum) a guy removing a python from a car in Australia.

LITERARY UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Literary Update.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OF COURSE THE STUDY COULD BE B.S.

Bullshitting Is Actually a Sign of Intelligence, Study Finds

NICEST COMPLAINT LETTER EVER

Dear Mr. Barry,

I just finished reading Lessons from Lucy, your 94th (roughly) book, the previous 93 currently on my shelf next to a copy of War and Peace that I’ve never read and a coffee mug that says “Where’s Waldo” from some idiot at a Christmas Party (inside the coffee mug is a dead ant and some Canadian quarters). I should note that, in addition to my shelf, many of my family and friends have their own collection of Dave Barry books on their shelves, next to their own coffee mugs, courtesy of me having bought them for people over the years. Needless to say I’m one of your more loyal readers and so as you walk around your home / drive your cars / eat your food just know I’m probably responsible for funding most of it.

Lessons from Lucy is not on the shelf. Nor is it in the bathroom where I keep a number of back-up Dave Barry books, in case heaven forbid I forget to bring my iPad with me (my wife doesn’t understand the need to read in the bathroom…for some reason she spends very little time in there and she cannot understand why, after a long hard day (or a long night’s sleep, or really at any time), I race to the bathroom, reading materials / electronic devices in hand, ready to settle in and grind away at the world’s problems). No, Lessons from Lucy is on the coffee table, next to two remotes that don’t work and a pair of reading glasses our dog has chewed into a kind of optometrical tootsie roll. It (the book) is on the coffee table because, unlike your other books, this one requires constant reference back to it, especially when every person who comes to our house is shown the book and how they, too, need to have it on their coffee table. Because unlike your other books, which one can read mindlessly knowing they will not learn anything new / have to pay attention / recall anything later, Lessons from Lucy has all of these…lessons that we need to listen to, study, follow, and ultimately tell other people about. In other words, this books requires WORK, whereas your other books require CLEANING after so many trips to the bathroom, but at least they don’t make you think (although sometimes they do make me think ‘books shouldn’t really smell like this I should probably throw it out’, so I put it in the garage on its way to the trash but inevitably one day in the garage I’ll see it and, forgetting the smell, start reading it again, in which case it goes into a Dave Barry Book Pile on my workbench, which at some point has so many Dave Barry books on it that I think ‘I should put these on the shelf in the living room with the other Dave Barry books’, thus completing the circle of life).

Anyway my point is that this book Lessons from Lucy was sold to me under false pretenses and I deserve some sort of legal and financial settlement. This book has caused me to not only think, but to change the way I act, change the way I treat people, change the way I see the world, and just overall become a better person, something I’ve been trying to avoid for the last 49 years. Before this book I was happy being generally unhappy, living life as some sort of mindless drone, content with the knowledge that life is just a series of Groundhog Day-like experiences where nothing really changes except as you get older a very slow, almost imperceptible decline in happiness occurs such that one day you wake up and are furious that the previous night’s newscast said it would be 73 degrees out and IT IS ONLY 70 DEGREES OUT AND WHO DO THOSE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DRESS WHEN THESE SO CALLED WEATHER EXPERTS CAN GET IT SO WRONG and you realize you start to wake up every day ready to be angry / unhappy. Now, thanks to this stupid book, I think about my day and my interactions, and I consciously try and be better, and while I wouldn’t be so obnoxious / anal as you to grade myself on how I’m doing, the excel spreadsheet I keep to track my progress shows me 47% of the way there toward my goal of consistently living these lessons every day. So, given this profound effort I’ve undertaken, I believe some sort of cash compensation is in order.

Oh, and with regard to your eighth lesson and the chapter that wasn’t supposed to be there, I believe I deserve special compensation for having had to use up all of the tissues in my house. That last chapter changed my outlook on a few things and that is NOT what I signed up for when I bought this book.

Sincerely,

Eric Haskel

Bentonville, Ark.

 

INCREDIBLY (THIS HAPPENED IN AUSTRALIA) NEITHER THE DEER NOR THE SUNBATHERS WERE EATEN BY SNAKES

Nude sunbathers, startled by deer, get lost, fined $1,000 for breaking COVID-19 lockdown orders

(Thanks to pharmaross, coscolo, Allen at Division and John Lobert)

IT IS, HOWEVER, IMPORTANT THAT THE LOVED ONE BE DECEASED

You don't need planning permission to bury a loved one in your back garden

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT KEEP THE MONEY'

$50 billion mistakenly deposited into Baton Rouge family’s bank account

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THAT WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG

Cat owner gets stuck in tree trying to rescue pet

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

NO

Just, no.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IS THERE ANYTHING IT DIDN’T RUIN?

COVID-19 pandemic causes firework shortage

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

By locking fat people’s upper and lower jaws together with a tooth-to-tooth metal lock, a team from the Unviersity of Otago and from Leeds (UK), intend to slim those fat people down.

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

SOMETIMES IT’S HARD TO BE A STATUE

Facts About The Statue of Heracles:

On two occasions shortly after its installation Bouscau reduced the size of the statue's penis, following complaints from local women.…

The penis of the statue has been stolen and not recovered on numerous occasions.[3] When it was stolen in June 2010 it took until January 2011 for a replacement to be installed.[2] By 2016 the mayor's office had a mould of the penis from which replacements were cast.[4] In 2016 the mayor, Yves Foulon, stated "I wouldn't want anyone – not even my worst enemies – to go through what happens to this statue" and the absence of the penis caused embarrassment to the council during some ceremonies held at the statue.[5]

In 2016 it was decided by the council to not replace the penis. Instead a detachable penis was fabricated and it would only be installed during public events held at the statue. The deputy mayor Martine Phellipot was inspired to commission the detachable penis by her medical background. She noted "We chose the option of making a removable prosthesis which is placed on the statue before each ceremony. It's the only way to avoid constantly chasing after his anatomy".[1] The detachable penis was made by Thomas Castelnau, an artist employed by the city council.[6] The penis screws into the statue; when it is absent only a thin metal rod remains.

(Thanks to The Perts)

‘IT WAS A CHILDHOOD DREAM’

Guinness World Record for tallest ever M&M tower smashed by Solihull engineer

(Thanks to Steve K.)

A NICE STORY FROM THE STUMBLE INN BAR & GRILL

A customer left a $16,000 tip after ordering some hot dogs, chips and a few drinks

(Thanks to EricY)

DURING AN ARGUMENT ABOUT A GYM MEMBERSHIP

A 43-year-old Florida woman is facing domestic battery charges after hitting her boyfriend with a plate of chicken.

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert, who says “If they were eating ribs, he’d be dead.”)

AT LEAST IT WAS STILL ON THE GROUND

After an altercation on board, a man jumps out of a taxiing airplane at Los Angeles airport

(Thanks to Steve K.)

IT IS, HOWEVER, OK TO HANDCUFF THEM

Invasive worms emerging after Texas rains. Whatever you do, don’t cut them in half

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Tiddlywink stuck up Christchurch woman's nose for 37 years

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE SQUIRRELS ARE BEHIND THIS

Bird handlers are devastated after a mind-boggling 5,000 homing pigeons seemingly disappeared during a race across the UK.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Le Petomane, who says “Homing pigeons apparently are having difficulty mastering  GPS.”)

MAN HAS TOO MUCH SPARE TIME

MAN BUILDS MINIATURE TREADMILLS FOR HIS HAMSTERS

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

UNE 25--In an unprovoked attack, a 7-Eleven customer was injured when a fellow patron threw a glass jar of Tostitos salsa at him with such force that the container broke on the victim’s back

(Thanks to pharmaross and Le Petomane)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Angry ex-girlfriend sets $31,000 motorcycle on fire

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THE LESSON HERE IS, IF YOU WANT TO AVOID LARGE SNAKES, YOU NEED TO STAY OUTSIDE

Police remove 6 1/2-foot python from under woman's bed

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

Meanwhile in (Surprise!) Australia: Python Found Under Toilet Seat Lid in Home

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE WISH *WE* COULD SEE IT

Aliens in 1,700 star systems could have seen civilization emerge on Earth

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Police stop ‘exorcism’ in Home Depot lumber aisle

Pennsylvania police say exorcism was for dead trees

(Thanks to Le Petomane, pharmaross, Jeff Meyerson, Al Barkafski and Ralph)

WAIT... THOSE ARE DIFFERENT PLACES?

Fans Miss Hungary-France Game After Traveling to Bucharest Instead of Budapest

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who says "No wonder the tickets were so cheap!")

KENTUCKY SOCIAL NOTE

‘Redneck Rave’ Descends Into Throat Slashing, Impalements, and Mass Arrests

The lengthy getdown, advertised as the “biggest country party you’ll ever go to,” boasted a demolition derby, goldfish racing, and a full-scale football game as well as a series of concerts.

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

BUT DID THEY CATCH THE BOUQUET?

Wedding crashers steal beer, punch groom and start fight at Ohio reception

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says "Other than that...")

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY HAVE AN INCENTIVE TO TAKE SHOWERS

Why single people smell different

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

NAME THAT STATE

Motorist Named Booze Arrested For, You Guessed It, Drunk Driving

(Thanks to pharmaross and DaninDallas)

PAGING LES NESSMAN

Semi spills hundreds of frozen turkeys in US 20 rollover crash

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE PLANNING TO VISIT AUSTRALIA:

Be advised of this.

ALL OF THEM, OF COURSE, PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVES' LICENSES

Alligator crosses street trying to escape flock of cranes

(Thanks to John W)

BIG DEAL. LEGOS HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR DECADES.

Robots may soon be able to reproduce

(Thanks to Bob Pert)

WE ASSUME THEY GO TO THE ORBITING LAUNDROMAT

How do astronauts do laundry in space?

(Thanks to EricY)

FINALLY, REAL PROGRESS

Texas Legislature Designates Official State Mushroom

(Thanks to MOTW)

SO IT’S A TALKING STRAW?

Scientists Have Invented a Straw That Claims to Instantly Cure Hiccups

(Thanks to Dave N.)