Dave Barry's Blog

BY 'IMMEDIATE ACTION,' WE ASSUME THEY MEAN 'ORDER A DIFFERENT BRAND OF BEER'

That’s actually the goal of Torched Earth Ale, a new beer from New Belgium Brewing, based in Fort Collins, Colo. With each sip, you’ll get a not-so-subtle reminder that your favorite brew may no longer taste the same if we don’t take immediate action to slow climate change and adapt to its effects.

(Thanks to Steve K, who says "Makes Bud Light sound almost tempting.")

OK, ABOUT THE 'BETA' PART...

Elon Musk: Tesla’s next Full Self-Driving Beta update ‘will blow your mind’

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WE'RE CONFIDENT THE SNAKES WILL TAKE CARE OF IT

Australia’s ‘mice plague’ is horrific.

(Thanks to wiredog and Not My Usual Alias)

WELCOME HOME!

Torrance Family Finds 800 Birds In Home

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

WE’LL TAKE THE NEXT ONE, THANKS

2 arrested over horse in elevator in Tel Aviv skyscraper

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says “Do they expect him to climb the stairs?”)

ESTIMATED LIFE SPAN IN MIAMI: 32 SECONDS

Stellantis Bringing Adorable Citroen Ami To The US As Rental

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

THEY WERE PROBABLY FLEEING A PYTHON

Alligator, cow delay Houston traffic

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, Jane Linderman and EricY)

CAN IT DO THAT WITHOUT THE HELP OF THE OREGON HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT?

Authorities on the Swedish island of Öland have warned citizens and tourists not to approach the dead body of a beached whale which "may explode".

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THIS WAS PROCLAIMED BY THE MOSQUITOES

Miami has just been proclaimed the Naked Gardening Capital of America.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

‘I JUST HAD A COUPLE OF BEERS, OFFICER’

Scottish brewing giant BrewDog has just announced the return of the 'World's Strongest Beer'

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

‘JUST?’

Is the Loch Ness Monster Just a Whale Penis?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FACE IT, WE'RE ALL SCUM

Some Male Birds Fly Under False Colors to Attract Mates

(Thanks to Mr. Ridley Pearson, who says "I tried this. It was by L'Oreal, but it didn't work.")

IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN

Boulders block road in Boulder Canyon near Boulder according to Boulder County Sheriff’s Office

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE CERTAINLY HOPE SO

Is the Competitive Bridge World Rife with Cheaters?

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT’S IMPORTANT TO HAVE GOALS

Dad completes six-year mission to park in every bay of his local Sainsbury’s

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

HE SAYS IT’S A ‘COMPOST FENCE’

Man builds poop wall after property line dispute with neighbor

(Thanks to Geoff Scott, pharmaross and Jay Brandes)

AS A RANDOM CITIZEN OF FLORIDA, THIS BLOG WISHES TO OBJECT

A Florida woman is behind bars after offering lap dances to “random citizens,” asking police if they wanted to have sex on the sidewalk, and threatening assault against paramedics, according to an arrest report obtained this week by The Smoking Gun.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE LESSON TOPIC WAS ‘OSCILLATORY MOTION’

Colombian schoolteacher apologizes for kissing wife’s breast during Zoom physics lesson

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

TRULY THIS IS A GOLDEN AGE

Actor Randy Quaid says he is 'seriously considering' running for California governor against Caitlyn Jenner

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

Man busted at JFK with 35 live finches stuffed inside hair curlers

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias and John Lobert)

ATTENTION, FARMERS INSURANCE:

You say you've seen a thing or two. Here's a third thing.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FRANCE ON HIGHEST POSSIBLE ALERT

'WW2 bomb’ found in Bavarian forest was sex toy, say officials

(Thanks to Doug Shedd, Alkali Bill, Alan West and Asher Scheiner)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

World's Most Venomous Fish Latches Onto Kayaker's Paddle

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY DO THIS DURING MATING SEASON

Dad woke up to find more than 100 e-scooters piled up outside his house

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

An Army major was allegedly drugged and bitten by strippers during a drunken escapade in Poland

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

MEN:

Do not, repeat NOT, click here.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and pharmaross)

EVERYONE REMAIN INDOORS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

Mind-blowing space junk map shows '200 ticking time bombs' in orbit around the Earth

(Thanks to Ronald Troyer)

BRLLNT

Standard Life Aberdeen to change name to Abrdn

Asset manager says new name reflects ‘clarity of focus’ but critics point out pronunciation issues

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

SURF'S UP, DUDE

Beachgoer finds $1.5 million worth of cocaine washed ashore in Palm Beach

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

The Noid™ is Back!

PUTTING THE 'CUSTOMER' (SINGULAR) IN 'CUSTOMER SERVICE'

So far this tax season, only about 1 out of every 50 calls have gotten through to an IRS customer service representative on the agency’s 1040 toll-free line

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NOT IN AUSTRALIA. IN MIAMI.

Terrifying new species of spider 'like a tarantula' discovered that can live for decades

(Thanks to Rick Day)

WE FEEL THEIR PAIN

A roundabout was recently installed in Bath County, Kentucky and drivers were confused on how to use it.

Roundabouts -- down here we call them "traffic circles" -- started appearing in South Florida a couple of decades ago, and at first, hoo boy. They can still be pretty comical. By which we mean terrifying.

(Thanks to John Lobert and pharmaross)

HOW DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

People Are Now Making Chicken Strollers To Take Their Chickens On Walks

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Apocalypse update.")

THE WORSENING SITUATION IN CANADA CONTINUES TO WORSEN AND JUST GENERALLY GET WORSE

Internet down in Tumbler Ridge, B.C., after beaver chews through fibre cable

(Thanks to The Perts, Ralph, wiredog, pharmaross, Amoeba Stampede, Roberto, Nigel Grout and Not My Usual Alias, who says "We know the squirrels are behind this, eh?")

THE WORD IS HERO

Japanese man arrested after dating 35 women at the same time in bid to 'get birthday presents'

(Thanks to pharmaross, Woozy Barnes and John Gregg)

‘NEBRASKA’ IS THE NATIVE AMERICAN WORD FOR ‘EXCITEMENT’

A fight over the name of Josh drew a crowd from around the country to a Nebraska park Saturday for a heated pool-noodle brawl.

(Thanks to Roberto, pharmaross and EricY)

‘SIR, DOES THIS BELONG TO YOU?’

Police arrest Arizona man after finding his severed finger

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says “It’s now become illegal to give your neighbour the finger!”)

AND IN SPORTS

Just watch.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Meth worth over $4.3 million found in Texas pickle shipment, border agents say

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: CORAL GABLES

Police identify suspect caught on camera stealing massive teddy bear from Coral Gables restaurant

(Thanks to pharmaross)

This happened not far from where this blog resides. We are literally shaking.

OUCH

Generation X, Your AARP Card Awaits

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

NOBODY WILL WANT THEM AFTER THEY’VE BEEN SAT ON

Metro Atlanta Girl Scouts are sitting on nearly $3 million worth of cookies that they cannot sell because of the COVID-19 pandemic.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

FOR THE RECORD, MARMOTS ARE BIG SQUIRRELS

“Marmots climbing into the undercarriage and engine compartments of cars is extremely common in Mineral King,” Paterson said. “They often cause damage and can be difficult to get out once they’re in.”

(Thanks to Dave N.)

OH SHUT UP

Is YOUR toilet paper safe?

(Thanks to Roberto, who says “To be safe I am using the grass from my front lawn.”) (Should be the back lawn, no?)

FORGET THE RESTAURANTS; HOW ARE THE CHICKENS DEALING WITH IT?

Restaurants deal with nationwide chicken wing shortage

(Thanks to Ralph)

ONE IS TOO MANY

Just How Many Surfaces Does Your Cat’s Butt Touch?

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

The Pueblo Police Department says a man was arrested after allegedly trying to take snacks from a downtown hotel, swinging a horseshoe at an employee, damaging property, and trying to microwave a fire extinguisher.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALSO, WHY?

How do you ‘smoke’ a cocktail at home?

(Thanks to Steve K.)

LABELED AS 'PLANTAIN'

Reps to investigate export of over 7,000 ‘refrigerated penis’ to China

(Thanks to pharmaross)