Dave Barry's Blog

WAIT... WHAT?

Florida mom shows up to middle school in boxing glove to fight daughter’s classmate, says it was glued on

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and AmoebaStampede)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

17-year cicadas are edible, taste a lot like shrimp

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM....

Woman slams car into grandmother and child, claiming she was trying to run over someone else

Guess the state.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'AS I WAS LOOKING AT THE NEW DOOR KNOB HOLE I HAD AN AMAZING IDEA'

A man was rushed to the emergency room after a sex session with his girlfriend resulted in his penis getting stuck in their bedroom door.

(Thanks to EricY and pharmaross)

SO FAR IT REFUSES TO TALK

Canada's $645,000 toilet questioned by critics

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HANGIN' HOOVES

Surfing pet goat coolly rides the waves at California beach

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THAT’S ACTUALLY PRETTY BIBLICAL

Jerusalem’s Biblical Zoo is attempting damage control after kids saw a lion eat a bunny

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WE DON’T KNOW WHY THEY’RE SURPRISED

A bold squirrel (yes, a squirrel!) was caught on cellphone video stealing an Amazon package off of someone’s front porch in Avondale Sunday evening.

(Thanks to Jerome Stemnock)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

2:05 a.m. A woman walked into her teenage daughter’s room and found a boy there

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Drunk woman caught driving with two tyres MISSING from her car

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "In Florida we would call this driver 'thrifty.'")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

11:56 a.m. A man who requested a sheriff’s deputy come with him to pick up his W-2 in order to “embarrass the company” was told that’s not what the sheriff’s office does.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOMEBODY'S BEEN BAAAAAD

Florida couple caught with stolen lamb in pants & purse full of seafood

(Thanks to pharmaross and Ralph)

FOR HIM, THIS IS A STRETCH

David Hasselhoff to Play David Hasselhoff in German TV Series

(Thanks to Ralph)

AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAA

Snakes jump aboard life raft rescuing family from NSW floods

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

FEELING WORRIED? GOT THREE MINUTES AND 16 SECONDS?

This'll put you right.

SO? THIS IS THE PRICE AT EVERY HOTEL IN NEW YORK

Woman ends up paying $5,700 for a cup of coffee

(Thanks to RonT, who says "But got a free refill.")

WAIT... CANADIANS WERE HAVING SEX?

Canadians are having less sex, not more, during the coronavirus pandemic

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AN EXAMPLE OF AN ITEM THIS BLOG WILL NOT LINK TO BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

...can be found here.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

IT'S GONNA BE A FUN WEDDING

Tyler woman accused of shooting fiancé in the buttocks

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IS IT WRONG TO ROOT AGAINST THESE PEOPLE?

Artist Krista Kim sold a digital house for the equivalent of $500,000, The Sun reports. The house was created as an “NFT” or “non-fungible token.” These new digital objects are similar to cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin in that they rely on complex blockchains and don’t physically exist.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

BCAUSE AUSTRALIA WASN'T TERRIFYING ENOUGH ALREADY

SPIDERS.

Key Quote: "Oh. My. God."

(Thanks to Ralph, EricY and pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Toilet-invading iguanas among invasive species now banned in Florida

(Thanks to Ralph)

HARSH

An Apartment Complex In Ohio Is Towing Cars For Being Ugly

(Thanks to uncle johno)

Presumably the owners of certain models would be shot on sight.

BOLO

From Peter Metrinko, who says "A friend who lives near Palo Alto sent me this."

THIS WAS TOTALLY MASTERMINDED BY THE SQUIRRELS

Rat steals pet cat's GPS tracking device, leads owner on chase under his neighborhood

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'DAREDEVIL' IS ONE WAY TO LABEL HIM

Russian daredevil bungee jumps off an abandoned warehouse with cord attached to buttock piercings

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN CASE THE GAME GOES TO EXTRA INNINGS

Chicago Cubs minor league player busted with 21 pounds of meth

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A WHAT? WHERE?

This Woman Thought She Had TB, But It Turned Out She Had A Condom In Her Lung

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PARENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Man allegedly carried daughter, 2, into San Diego Zoo elephant enclosure

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

EXTREMELY URGENT

Map of the Names of Donald Duck’s Nephews in Different Countries

(Thanks to Tom Couch)

GUESS WHERE

Woman Finds Python Lurking in Middle of Her Dining Room Table

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THOSE?

A Florida woman arrested at a McDonald’s drive-thru for drunk driving was subsequently found to have an eight-pack of vodka stashed in her bra

(Thanks to pharmaross and Jeff Meyerson, who asks "How big was the bra?"

'MYTHICAL' IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE IT.

Canadian Snowbirds Find Refuge in Their Mythical Miami

(Thanks to John W., who says "it’s clear that there is something seriously wrong with the entire fabric of the universe when Canadians start re-creating Miami in the frozen north.")

NOBODY IS SAFE

$1,500 reward offered for safe return of Ronald McDonald statue

(Thanks to EricY)

BUT OF COURSE

Monopoly getting 'long overdue' socially conscious makeover, Hasbro says

Community chest cards might penalize players for forgetting to recycle

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BRING ON THE SNAKES

'You can't escape the smell': mouse plague grows to biblical proportions across eastern Australia

(Thanks to Mad Hatter)

NOTHING IS REAL

Young female Japanese biker is really 50-year-old man with luscious hair using FaceApp

(Thanks to Joshua Lutes)

A FLORIDA LICENSE PLATE IS ON THE WAY

Tesla on autopilot crashes into state police patrol car in Lansing

(Thanks to Randy Voges)

WE ARE REASSURED

Arnold Schwarzenegger "Ready to Serve" After U.K. Poll Finds He's Best Hope To Combat an Alien Invasion

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE BANGLES

Thai police seize 'money laundering' cats

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says "At least someone's found some use for them.")

WE CANNOT KEEP UP

A Brooklyn-based film director is simultaneously mocking and attempting to profit off the cryptocurrency craze for non-fungible tokens (NFTs) by selling a year’s worth of fart audio clips recorded in quarantine.

(Thanks to pharmaross, Rod Nunley, Steve Pudlo, Michael Moyer, Michael Parry, Barry Nester and Ranald Adams, who says "This is how I am finally going to get rich.")

AS SO OFTEN HAPPENS

Disgraced drug-dealing barrister who bought £1,000-worth of meow meow from BBC producer blames dog that fouled on another lawyer's trousers for forcing him to risk his career

(Thanks to Roberto)

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

Tank blows up chicken farm by mistake

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE THINKING DEATH PENALTY

FCC fines two Texas telemarketers $225 million for making 1 billion robocalls

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

YUM! MAGGOTS!

Casu marzu: The world's 'most dangerous' cheese

(Thanks to Bobby Grawl, who says "I don’t recall ever being as disturbed by something I read.")

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Scientists in US and Canada set to battle murder hornets

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

TOTALLY WORTH IT

At least 186 people in Taiwan changed their legal name to "salmon" this week in order to take part in a restaurant deal offering free sushi to anyone named after the fish.

(Thanks to unkle johno)

Update: Taiwan official urges people to stop changing their name to 'salmon'

(Thanks to Jim Perth and Roberto)

UH-OH

Microbes Unknown to Science Discovered on The International Space Station

(Thanks to wiredog, who says "I think I've seen this movie.")

HOME-BASED BUSINESS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

NY man kept sharks in basement pool to sell online

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE

Lack of contraception sees goats boom in Llandudno

(Thanks to Ralph)