Dave Barry's Blog

THAT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF HAIL MARYS

3 teens stole vessel of holy water from church in south Lincoln, police say

(Thanks to Steve Bradford, who says "Confession is going to be very interesting this week.")

PSSST…. WANNA BUY A FINCH?

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers found 29 finches hidden in hair rollers in the baggage of a traveler who arrived at John F. Kennedy International Airport and was headed to New Jersey, officials said Tuesday.

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

FEW PEOPLE HAVE DONE BOTH

Doctor Solves Whether Getting Kicked In Balls Is More Painful Than Having Baby

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND THEY ALL HAVE FLORIDA DRIVERS’ LICENSES

Billions of cicadas set to swarm parts of 15 states, DC in just a few weeks

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MOO, DUDES

Cattle Mostly Higher at Oklahoma National Stockyards on Monday

(Thanks to Alan West, who says “This is what happens when you legalize pot.”) 

ALSO OUT: RAT TAILS AND TOP KNOTS

Trinity College in Perth bans mullet haircuts, labelling them ‘unacceptable’

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

RADIO PROMOTION OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Brad and John are giving away a Murder Hornet!

(Thanks to Ken, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

A GRATEFUL WORLD REJOICES

A ship that was carrying a huge amount of sex toys through the Suez Canal before getting jammed up behind the trapped container ship Ever Given is now free.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

OOPS

For years, a mafia fugitive hid from police. Then they spotted his Italian cooking videos on YouTube.

(Thanks to John Gregg and Rich Alpin, who says "Even the quality of Mafiosi has gone down.")

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CARPENTERS

Licensed beavers released in Wales for the first time

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says "Florida licenses, I presume.")

WORRIED? WHY WOULD WE BE WORRIED?

The agency that controls U.S. nukes had its Twitter account accessed by a child

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CANCEL THOSE DISNEY WORLD RESERVATIONS

$3 Million Mosquito Museum In St. Johns County To Open In Summer 2022

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman, who says "Florida celebrates its state bird.")

WHY THE LONG UNMASKED FACE?

An unmasked mystery man caused a stir when he rode into a Montana gas station on his horse.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'VE COME A LONG WAY FROM KEDS

Lil Nas X's unofficial 'Satan' Nikes containing human blood sell out in under a minute

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

HE WAS BACKING UP IN THE DIRECTION OF FLORIDA

Driver, 84, hits reverse by mistake and parks on top of another car

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

SOME OF US ARE ALREADY THERE, AT LEAST IN THE MORNING

Humans could be on an evolutionary path to developing venomous SALIVA, study claims

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet and Asher Scheiner)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE

Pickle Shortage Delays Rollout of Burger King's Chicken Sandwich

(Thanks to Ralph)

SUNSHINE STATE NATURE UPDATE

FLORIDA ALLIGATOR GETS A VIOLENT STOMPING FROM ANGRY WILD HORSE

(Thanks to Rick Day)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man arrested after driving man to Lincoln hospital in bucket of stolen front-end loader, police say

We are shocked, shocked: Police saw a bottle of alcohol in the vehicle and believed Evans was intoxicated.

(Thanks to Steve Bradford)

'IF YOU DO DRINK AND DRIVE, PLEASE BE SO KIND TO HAND YOURSELF IN LIKE THIS CHAP'

Drunk driver crashes right on doorstep of police station in England

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says "Which way to Florida, mate?")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

2:05 a.m. A woman walked into her teenage daughter’s room and found a boy there.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

A NEW LOW

Squirrel vandalizes Mackinac Island church, breaks antique crucifix

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MAKES SENSE TO THIS BLOG

Many Egyptians are expressing their fears online, saying that the attempts of relocating the ancient mummies might be causing all the disruptions across the country, suggesting that it may be better for Egypt to cancel the event and keep the mummies in their current location.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S A STRESSFUL OCCUPATION

A Houston tax preparer faces assault and robbery charges after she allegedly brandished a gun at a disgruntled customer and stole the cellphone of another filming the altercation, according to police and victim accounts.

(Thanks to unkle johno)

INCREDIBLY, THIS BEACH IS NOT IN AUSTRALIA

Hundreds of sea monsters 'deadlier than cyanide' found washed up on beach

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR HERMAN'S HERMITS

Gruesome ‘worm tornadoes’ horrify Hoboken residents

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Your vibrator can now alert you when your food delivery is going to come

(Thanks to Ralph)

Related: The Suez Canal crisis is now blocking a huge shipment of erotic toys from reaching the Netherlands

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

FLORIDAAAAAAAA

After allegedly shooting his neighbor over a dispute over feeding local ducks and geese, an 83-year-old Florida man has been charged with attempted first-degree murder.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY BEAVERS

Beaver wanders into Toronto subway station

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS BEING (OF COURSE) FLORIDA, IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

Officers Discover 'Emotional Support Python' During DUI Stop

(Thanks to John Lobert and pharmaross)

AW

“This is what happens when you break into the dollar general consistently to steal the purple unicorn that you layed claim to but then get animal control called to lock you up for your B & E and larceny but the officer purchases your item for you and brings it in with you.”

(Thanks to unkle johno and Janice Gelb)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Around 20 giant South American birds are on the loose in Hertfordshire - with police warning they have been seen attacking dogs.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WE'RE NOT SURE THIS IS GOOD NEWS

'Potentially hazardous' asteroid Apophis will NOT collide with Earth in 2068 says NASA

(Thanks to Roberto, who says "So I guess I have to clean the garage after all.")

WE SAY LET HIM EAT

‘Godzilla’, an obese, tyrannical monkey, fat-shamed into rehab

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi there!

My name is Peter, I searched for an accurate daily weather forecast and that's how I came upon your page, your page was really informative, therefore I checked your resources and I was expecting to find a comprehensive forecast with extended weather conditions like air quality which is really important for me.

Anyway, I wasn't fully satisfied with them, and

YOU KNOW WHO'S GIVING THE ORDERS

Anchorage Costco customers say ravens are stealing their groceries in the parking lot

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

Tell that to the Anchorage Costco customers: Birds make you as happy as money, study finds

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Buildings made with fungi could live, grow — and then biodegrade

(Thanks to The Perts)

JUST GO AHEAD AND SHRED THE BILL OF RIGHTS

West Lafayette police stopped a motorized couch driving down Stadium Avenue Wednesday afternoon

(Thanks to Ralph)

'GET OFF MY LAVA!'

Iceland’s Newest Eruption Actually On Private Land

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

Related: Icelandic man gets naked next to erupting volcano

(Thanks to Jane Linderman, who points out that the man's name, which nobody is making fun of, is "Sveinn Snorri Sighvatsson.")

HARD PASS II

Researchers Design Nose Mask You Can Wear While Eating

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, who says "Researchers are mocking us now.")

HARD PASS

Pepsi and Peeps Have Joined Forces to Create Marshmallow Soda

(Thanks to Rick Day, Asher Scheiner, Janice Gelb and The Amazing Steve, who says "Proposed slogan: 'For people that don't think they're getting enough sugar'")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

2:33 p.m. A woman who walked between two garbage cans to urinate wanted dispatch to know about the pair of underwear she found back there.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

Beaver spotted at Royal York subway station

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY REFUSE TO JOIN ANY CLUB THAT WOULD HAVE THEM AS MEMBERS

The Village People don't want to be inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

So apparently the Grammys have a Hall of Fame.

NEVER LEAVE YOUR POSSUM UNATTENDED IN AUSTRALIA

Man Comes Home to Find Huge Python Coiled Around Possum He Named Reggie

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TRY TO DO ANYTHING YOURSELF

Man Taken To Hospital With Ladder Stuck To Head

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN THAT CASE, DUDE, PLEASE PROCEED

Man arrested in Oklahoma City after crashing vehicle into strip mall, allegedly told police he aimed for vape store and marijuana dispensary

(Thanks to Alan West)

GUESS WHERE THIS SCHOOL IS LOCATED

Woman arrested after gun pulled during fight among parents at Matthew Gilbert Middle School

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SEEMS A TAD VINDICTIVE

Fayetteville man receives last paycheck in oil-covered pennies dumped on his driveway

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

Update: More on this story here.

(Thanks to Sarah in the comments)

STOP READING THIS ITEM RIGHT NOW. SERIOUSLY.

59-FOOT tapeworm oozes out of a Thai man's rectum after he went to the doctor about extreme flatulence

We warned you.

(Thanks to pharmaross, Rod Nunley and Barry Nester)