Dave Barry's Blog

THIS IS WHY YOU DO NOT HEAR YOUR TOMATOES CRYING FOR HELP

Scientists found that a caterpillar called the tomato fruit worm not only chomps on tomatoes and their leaves, but also deposits enzyme-laden saliva on the plant, interfering with its ability to cry for help.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE OLDER HUMANS COULD USE SOMETHING LIKE THIS

"After conducting research and speaking with veterinary staff, the aquarist team decided to attach a block of material to the top of the crab’s shell to increase buoyancy and allow her to stand with less effort," the Aquarium said.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER’S LICENSE

Seal found in P.E.I. neighbourhood gets ride in police cruiser

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

The Medical Board of California said it would investigate a plastic surgeon who appeared in a videoconference for his traffic violation trial while operating.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, pharmaross and Bill Hudgins)

IN AN AFFECTIONATE MANNER, WE ARE CERTAIN

The man said Morgan grabbed his testicles and squeezed them while he was standing in the living room.

(Thanks to Mikey)

THE END IS NIGH, PEOPLE. VERY NIGH.

Turns Out, Hats On Snakes Are A Thing And There’s A Community Celebrating It

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FLORIDA EDUCATION UPDATE

12-year-old girl accused of selling stun-guns at Tampa middle school

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'RE GONNA MAKE HIM AN OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE

Horse Statue Beheaded Outside Suffolk County Antique Store

(Thanks to pharmaross)

STOP THE PRESSES

Chicago tops list of most corrupt city in US, report says

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

AUSTRALIA: EVEN THE GRANDMOTHERS ARE DANGEROUS

Grandma celebrating her birthday takes down purse snatcher in Australia

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DANS CE CAS, MONSIEUR...

An 88-year-old man caught speeding at a breakneck 191 kilometres (119 miles) per hour on a French country road told officers that he was late for his Covid-19 vaccine appointment, police said.

(Thanks to coscolo)

THE LEGAL LIMIT IS 75

Police seize 80 alligator heads from a house in Birmingham

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT LAUGHS AT YOUR WINDOW SCREEN

Australian Woman Photographs Moth Larger Than Her Hand

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

YOUR ‘LOG OUT’ JOKE HERE

Teacher masturbating in Zoom classroom thought he ‘was logged out when class was over’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says “In that case, sir….”)

BY WAY OF APOLOGY, THE OFFICIALS WILL RECEIVE ANTIQUE TRADITIONAL FRUIT BASKETS

China Gave US Diplomats Anal COVID Tests ‘In Error,’ American Officials Say

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Mike Leone)

DUH

In cockroach fights, bet on the roach with the bigger respiratory system

(Thanks to Jim Anderson, who says “I know I do.”)

WASH BEFORE USING

'Antique Chinese traditional fruit basket' sold on Amazon for $72 is actually a chamber pot

(Thanks to Ralph)

SO RELEVANT

A mister no more: Mr. Potato Head goes gender neutral

(Thanks to many people)

THE WONDER CONDIMENT

Mayonnaise helps save turtles rescued from oil spill

(Thanks to Steve Bradford, who says “They’ll lay deviled eggs.”)

‘WE KNOW WHAT TYPE OF SOUP YOU’RE EATING TONIGHT’

Man called Colin Pidgeon catches a pigeon during government Zoom call

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT WAS A CONSENTING PENIS WORM

Woman has fun with penis worm during deep dive

(Thanks to Allen at Division and pharmaross)

MAKES AS MUCH SENSE TO US AS BITCOIN

Sneakerheads Have Turned Jordans and Yeezys Into a Bona Fide Asset Class

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

eBay sellers listing 'rare' plastic McDonald's straws for as much as £5,000

(Thanks to Ronal Troyer)

PROTESTING THE REMOVAL OF 'CHARLOTTE'S WEB'

Venomous spiders prompt temporary Michigan library shutdown

(Thanks to Rick Day and EricY)

CANADA PLUNGES EVEN DEEPER INTO ANARCHY

Erotic snow sculptures heat up parody City of Winnipeg Facebook page

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

Baffled Canadians Spread Reports Of 'Hard' Butter

(Thanks to MOTW)

The Vancouver Park Board confirmed to CTV News on Tuesday the sign from Dude Chilling Park has been stolen and staff are working to get another.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'DAMN I'M BUZZED'

When the deputy asked the driver for his license, Charles Kensill handed over his credit card instead.

You know the state.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:42 a.m. A man grabbed a “big pole” to protect he and his partner from the intruders causing a loud, suspicious banging noise. An investigation revealed a screen door was slamming open and shut.

11:12 a.m. A man who butt dialed 911 said everything was OK except he was spending too much money at Costco.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DOG BITES MAN

Australian family finds deadly snake swimming in backyard pool

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WITH BEER, WE ASSUME

Nutritionist says pizza is better for breakfast than most cereals

(Thanks to Ralph)

CALL WILLIE NELSON, BECAUSE IT’S TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

Elon Musk Loses $15 Billion in a Day After Bitcoin Warning

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

BARGAIN HUNTERS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Parents who bought a toy for their daughter from an El Mirage, Arizona, thrift store found more than 5,000 fentanyl pill inside, the Phoenix Police Department said.

A woman went to buy a crochet kit to make animal hats and ended up with a kilogram of cocaine instead, Seattle police say.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

...a 21-year-old motorist told cops that he was speeding on a Florida highway because he was “listening to a song named Ciento Veinte, which means 120, so I was driving 120.”

Also legally sound: When Ortecho finally pulled over, he said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know driving reckless was illegal.”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BECAUSE SOMEBODY HAS WAY TOO MUCH MONEY?

Why an Animated Flying Cat With a Pop-Tart Body Sold for Almost $600,000

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "My budget can only afford to duct tape a banana to the wall.")

WE BEAT THIS 'RECORD' EVERY TIME OUR GRANDCHILDREN VISIT

...this is a video of competitive eater L.A. Beast setting a new Guinness World Record for further distance walked barefoot on LEGO bricks, with an incredibly painful 3,886.20-meters (12,750-feet, ~2.4148-miles, beating the previous record set by barefoot marathon runner Sonny Molina by only 16.36-meters, or ~53.7-feet).

(Thanks to John Lobert)

BETCHA FIVE DOLLARS HE'S A GOOD DOG, TOO*

Dogs are mysteriously turning blue and pink in Russian city

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

*Obscure song reference.

'NOTHING CAN GO WRONG...'

Watch Guests on a British Comedy Show Sing a Song About Oregon’s Exploding Whale

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

CSI: NOTTINGHAMSHIRE

Exploding Red Bull cans helped police to catch cannabis growers

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

'STIFFER FINES'

Cock seller fined $5 000 for breach

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHEW

The Rashtriya Kamdhenu Aayog, a government body under the Department of Animal Husbandry and Dairying, has postponed the online exam on cow science.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THE SECRET INGREDIENT

Customer receives bottle of urine in HelloFresh delivery

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NO DOUBT WEAVING IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF FLORIDA

New Blood Alcohol Record Recorded By "Highly Intoxicated" Oregon Motorist

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Long-Lost, Priceless Fossil Turns Out to Be a 30-Million-Year-Old Vampire Squid

(Thanks to vee)

EDINBURGH NIGHTLIFE REPORT

Scottish woman bit off man’s tongue in street brawl — then seagull ate it

(Thanks to DaninDallas and pharmaross)

YIKES

United Flight 328 engine catches fire

(Thanks to Dave N., who says "Otherwise, it was a smooth flight.")

THIS JUST IN

Google enthusiast uncovers obscure manhood-shaped island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean

(Thanks to Matt Filar, pharmaross and Unholy Slacker)

WAIT… THE KITTENS WERE ARMED?

An Ohio bomb squad was called to disarm an adorable bag of kittens

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

DUH

Is your cat destroying your love life?

(Thanks to Ranald Adams and Barry Nester)

Note the name of the writer.

‘WE CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP’

New Orleans paramedics called to possible cardiac arrest, find life-sized Bernie Sanders figure

(Thanks to Ralph)

HEEL, DUDE

'Pups and Prerolls' event at Mesa dispensary gives free weed to people who adopt dogs

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THAT’LL SHOW HER

Florida man, 'upset at his girlfriend,' sets fire in BG hotel room

(Thanks to John Lobert)

OR IT MIGHT NOT

'He thought it'd be fun': PA man gets SUV submerged after driving across frozen lake

(Thanks to John Lobert)