Dave Barry's Blog

THEY WERE TRAINED BY THE SQUIRRELS

Shrewd macaques prefer to target items that humans are most likely to exchange for food, such as electronics, rather than objects that tourists care less about, such as hairpins or empty camera bags

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

AUTOMOTIVE OPTION OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Alabama man finds $300,000 of heroin in car bought at Tennessee government auction

(Thanks to pharmaross)

STEP 2: 'DRAW THE REST OF THE F***ING OWL'

Year Seven pupils at Holderness Academy and Sixth Form College were surprised when they downloaded the art worksheet which "clearly had not been checked before it was sent out".

(Thanks to pharmaross and Matt Filar)

THIS IS WHY THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD MAINTAIN AN EMERGENCY RESERVE

Nestlé recalls 762,000 pounds of pepperoni Hot Pockets

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

DIDN'T THEY TOUR WITH MOTT THE HOOPLE?

Enormous pigeon-eating catfish wreaking havoc on Europe’s ecosystems

(Thanks to Ralph)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

'It'll be full': 'Amazing' video shows snake devouring possum

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PLEASE WATCH YOUR STEP WHEN STAGGERING OUT

Massive sinkhole reopens outside Florida sports bar

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AT LEAST POLICE HAVE SOMETHING TO GO ON

Dozens of adult diapers spilled along ENC highway

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE LAW IS SETTLED

Russia’s Supreme Court rules attending football match is good reason to miss work

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Two pigs have reportedly entered a police station in Sindh after which cops were seen running out of the building to save their lives.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NO ARGUMENT HERE

A French waiter fired for being “aggressive, rude and disrespectful” says his behaviour wasn’t out of line – he’s just French.

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

This blog, speaking from personal experience, agrees with the waiter.

'HERE TO KEEP THE INNER PEACE'

Yoga Joes

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

BULLETIN UPDATE ON JOE THE PIGEON

A pigeon that Australia declared a biosecurity risk has received a reprieve after a U.S. bird organization declared its identifying leg band was fake.

(Thanks to pharmaross and EricY)

WITHOUT STUDIES, WE MIGHT NEVER HAVE KNOWN

Guppies have varying levels of self-control

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

CSI: CANADA

The car was missing its front windshield. There was a hole in the back window, glass on the highway and an axe on the backseat.

...Lewis asked police why he had been pulled over. It was then, Judge Paul Scovil writes, that the officer noticed Lewis had his pants pulled down to his knees. "I believe I can take judicial notice that this is an unusual way to wear one's pants when operating a motor vehicle," Judge Scovil wrote.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

Oscar Mayer hiring ‘hotdoggers’ to drive Wienermobile

(Thanks to pharmaross and Matt Filar)

'OBVIOUSLY THERE'S NO OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE FOR THAT'

Fish are better and happier now they are British, claims Rees-Mogg

(Thanks to Ralph)

GO FIGURE

Dad With Tattooed Eyeballs Says Other Parents Are 'Scared' To Let Their Kids Play With His

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE ALREADY HAVE CONGRESS

A man who makes a living by renting himself out “to do nothing” has garnered an enormous following online and thousands of clients.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE NEWS COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE

Scientists make 'extraordinary' find of electric eels hunting in packs

(Thanks to Art Kraus, who says "Some might call this discovery 'shocking', but I'll settle for 'illuminating.'")

IDAHO: WHERE FOR $200 A NIGHT...

...you can sleep in a potato!

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE'LL JUST HAVE A BEER, THANKS

Snakes in your wine bottles

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

AND IT SOUNDS AS GOOD AS IT LOOKS

VOC-25 is a conceptual vocal synthesizer based on the Axoloti Core and 25 sets of plastic teeth, each set representing a unique note on the keyboard.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "In lieu of flying cars.")

IS WILLIE NELSON AVAILABLE FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT?

An Alabama racing pigeon that survived a lengthy and mysterious trip across the Pacific Ocean — landing last month in an Australian backyard — is now facing the death penalty.

(Thanks to wiredog, DaninDallas and pharmaross)

JUST IN CASE, WE MUST *STOP THIS CHEETO*

Debate Rages Over Whether Single Speeding Cheeto Could Destroy Space Station

(Thanks to Rick Day)

AUSTRALIA: EVEN THE SPONGES ARE DEADLY

Three new carnivorous sponges found in Great Australian Bight

(Thanks to Dave Emery)

NO IT'S NOT

Monkey Tail Beard Is The Latest Male Fashion Trend

(Thanks to Matt Filar, pharmaross and John Lobert)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT 2020 WAS OVER

Bad omen for UK as Tower of London raven missing, feared dead

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IT'S ON THE RIGHT STREET

Coronation Street actor finds 4ft royal python on toilet seat

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

DUDES

Activists Plan To Give Away Marijuana At COVID Vaccination Sites In D.C.

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA

Drunk man steals floating tiki hut in Key West

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE ARE NOT THE ONLY NATION IN TURMOIL

People in Toronto are anonymously mailing cow poo to each other as a prank

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

West Monroe man says he had permission to urinate on house

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THEREBY RAISING THE AVERAGE AUDIENCE IQ

Praying mantises watching TV.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

UH-OH

A new machine called ColdSnap, which looks and functions like a Keurig for soft serve ice cream, has emerged as one of the buzziest products of this year's all-digital CES tech show.

(Thanks to Fred Preller, who says “We were promised flying cars, which I never wanted. THIS I WANT!”)

ORGANIC, DUDE

Psychedelic Mushrooms Grew in a Man's Veins After He Injected Them

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

YOU GO AHEAD, FOOD-SAFETY-AGENCY PERSONS

Maggot-like worms safe for humans to eat: food safety agency

(Thanks to pharmaross and Barry Nester)

FLORIDA MAN SAYS:

Don’t mess with our manatees.

HE WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

Russian CO Under Investigation for Stealing His Own Ship's Propellers

(Thanks to Michael Hardt, who says "When I quit my last job, I took a stapler.")

THIS ACTUALLY MAKES PRACTICAL SENSE IN FLORIDA

Residents of the usually quiet South Florida community of Palmetto Bay are buzzing after spotting one of their neighbors riding his military style tank down residential roads.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Not just a tank: a "military style" tank.

THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Serial toilet thief captured by police in Japan

(Thanks to Ralph)

SO SWEET

CROSSVILLE LAW FIRM GIVING AWAY FREE DIVORCE FOR VALENTINES DAY

(Thanks to Ralph)

BECAUSE THEY NEED A RIDE?

Every 8 Years, Swarms of Millipedes Stop Trains in Japan. Scientists Finally Know Why

(Thanks to Art Kraus, who says “And here I thought I'd heard every excuse for being late to work.”)

REMINDER TO AUSTRALIANS:

Always check under the microwave.

(Thanks to Matt Filar, John Lobert and pharmaross)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guys knock some snow off a roof.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ALERT LEVEL: MAXIMUM

Samosa sent to 'space' by British eatery crash-lands in France

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE CANADIAN CONSTITUTION, ASSUMING THERE IS ONE

Quebec couple hit with curfew-violation fine after wife walks husband on a leash

(Thanks to Steve Bradford and Ralph)

COMING SOON TO AN ARBY'S NEAR YOU

Customs agents seize mystery 'bushmeat' at NJ airport

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS CANNOT BE GOOD

Brown Tree Snakes Twist Themselves into ‘Lassos’ to Climb

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, PARTY ON

“You can’t play Led Zeppelin quietly.”

(Thanks to pharmaross and Ralph)