Dave Barry's Blog

NOTHING LOWER THAN A CHICKEN-PARTS SMUGGLER

The Marine Police under the Royal Brunei Police Force (RBPF) foiled an attempt to smuggle in chicken parts by boat last Wednesday.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

FAIR ENOUGH

This is a video of a phone battery exploding after a man in China bit into it. If you're looking for a reason why he did it, none was given beyond, "He likes to put things in his mouth."

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

Reindeer lichens reproduce sexually far more than scientists thought

(Thanks to Lucky Jack)

DEPARTMENT OF HEADLINES THAT WOULD MAKE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE TO A TIME TRAVELER FROM 2010

Lancashire farm makes £50,000 in pandemic by offering Zoom calls with goats

(Thanks to Ralph)

Q. WHAT IS JOURNALISM?

A. Not this.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Ralph)

POLICE DOGS

Do not mess with them.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, pharmaross, John Lobert and man tom)

MAYBE NOT THE IDEAL GETAWAY VEHICLE

Salt truck driver leads police on chase, dumps salt on cruisers in pursuit

(Thanks to Gregory Snow and Doug Ogg)

SEZ YOU

No, more sex is not the answer to the country’s problems

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE HAD PROFESSORS LIKE THAT

How a Dead Professor Is Teaching a University Art History Class

(Thanks to Barry Nester, Rod Nunley and Dave N., who says "It's very common in Congress.")

TOTALLY WORTH IT FOR A BURGER

Man arrested after threatening people with hatchet after girlfriend cuts in line at West Valley City In-N-Out

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE WONDER WHY ANYBODY IN AUSTRALIA IS EVER SURPRISED BY SNAKES

An Adelaide Hills woman has had the fright of her life after she found a red-bellied black snake curled up in her pyjama drawer on Wednesday night.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE

Stinnett Police Chief Gets Caught Cheating On Wife After Both Mistresses He Proposed To Discover Each Other On Facebook And Unravel His Lies

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE STORE IS NAMED ‘TOTALLY ADULT’

Dad attacks sex shop worker with used vibrator after moaning the toy 'got extremely hot'

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Scientists solve the mystery of why wombats have cube-shaped poo

(Thanks to Alkali Bill, Al Barkafski and this blog's college roommate, the legendary Bob Stern)

‘SHOULD WE BURN THE HOUSE DOWN?’

Dozens of baby spiders invade Australian bedroom

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE’LL HAVE TO EAT LADY GAGA COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST

These’s a shortage of Grape-Nuts.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALL AMERICA REJOICES

Lady Gaga Oreos are now available at stores nationwide

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'ROUGHLY 18.5 PERCENT OF ITS BODY SIZE'

World's Smallest Chameleon Discovered And It’s "Surprisingly" Well-Endowed

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

UH-OH

Jet-Powered Flying Taxi Startup To Develop Hubs Across Florida

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

SOUNDS REFRESHING!

Eugene, Oregon-based Oakshire Brewing announced that individuals who purchased the beer in question should not only throw it out, but should don PPE to do so.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

AS FORETOLD IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

Gardener stunned to find Al Pacino’s FACE in wooden post

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

RESPECT

Beaded Lacewings Can Take Down Six Termites With A Single Fart

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER

Beijing tests for COVID-19 using anal swabs, where virus may survive longer

(Thanks to everybody on the Internet)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Panera recently announced that it’s releasing a limited line of bread bowl-shaped hand warmers.

(Thanks to Dave N., who says “Also known as a 'knuckle sandwich.'”

‘NO FLOWERS THIS YEAR, HONEY! I GOT YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL!’

Kraft Launches Pink Mac and Cheese for Valentine's Day That Tastes Like … Candy?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE NEWS FROM JAPAN

A Man Ate a Toothpick and It Was Stuck in His Butt for Months

This has been The News From Japan.

(Thanks to Ralph) 

TAKE THAT, AUSTRALIA

Florida led the world in shark attacks again in 2020

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CAN FLORIDA HOST THE 2021 OLYMPICS?

Hell yes.

ONLY BECAUSE ELEPHANTS CAN'T ORDER PIZZA

Average human is fatter than an elephant, unique obesity study reveals

(Thanks to Le Petomane and coscolo)

ROMANIAN SKI CONDITIONS:

Packed powder; chance of bears.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

HONK

Mission to save injured goose on Monroe river ends when it's discovered as a decoy

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

VERY SMALL CONDOMS

UK government backs birth control for grey squirrels

(Thanks to Barry Nester, Steve, Jay Brandes and Ralph)

'CITYSCAPE-INSPIRED' IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE THEM

Louis Vuitton Reveals Cityscape-Inspired Puffer Jackets

(Thanks to Larry Martell, who says "even the models look pissed.")

IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE

Up Helly Aa 2021, due to be held on Tuesday 26th January, has been postponed for a year.

(Thanks to Bill Price, who explains that Up Helly Aa is as festival in which “Shetland islanders spend all year building a boat, then burn it and go to local pubs and drink them dry.”) 

THEY WILL ALL HAVE FLORIDA DRIVERS’ LICENSES

Natural phenomenon of billions of cicadas will soon swarm across eastern US

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

SCIENTISTS CONTROL CYBORG VENUS FLY TRAPS WITH SMARTPHONE

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Man destroys toilet in bathroom brouhaha

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHO SAYS GUYS ARE HARD TO BUY GIFTS FOR?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THE DOG MEANT IT AS A COMPLIMENT

Brockville man charged following altercation with woman after her dog urinates on his shoe

(Thanks to unkle johno)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Man steals tow truck as revenge for company previously towing his car

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW FML OPEN FOR THE DOORS

Target pulling products allegedly made with forced monkey labor

(Thanks to Alan West, who says "as opposed to voluntary monkey labor.")

WAIT... WHAT?

Florida CFO Jimmy Patronis sent a letter to the International Olympic Committee on Monday encouraging them to consider relocating the 2021 Summer Olympics from Tokyo to the Sunshine State.

(Thanks to Rodney Beterelsen, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

AIRSICKNESS BAGS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE

Japanese airlines have found success in the sale of in-flight meals for those who cannot fly abroad but want to savor them amid the new coronavirus pandemic.

(Thanks to Godot51)

REASON ENOUGH

PORTLAND, MAINE (AP) — Portland police arrested two people they say attacked a man because his car had Vermont license plates.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT'S STILL HIS FAULT

A woman stabbed her husband several times after thinking she found photos of him with a younger woman. It turns out that she herself was that “other” woman. The photo of the couple was taken years ago, when they were dating, police in Sonora, Mexico said.

(Thanks to John Gregg, Jim Kenaston, pharmaross and Allen at Division)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Man who farted in Uber ends up in court

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NOW YOU'RE TALKING

Russian cross-country skier DQed after whipping opponent with ski pole, tackling

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE ENGLISH MUFFINS

18-wheeler carrying load of honeybees flips, causes road closure near downtown

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ONLY BECAUSE IRELAND WAS TOO HUNG OVER TO PARTICIPATE

England and Scotland top global league table for getting drunk most often

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHERE

...she found her car plastered with signs, but they weren’t parking tickets. Instead, a stranger was trying to warn her that there was a 2 metre long snake curled up in her engine.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)