« December 2020 | Main

January 24, 2021

SPORTS NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

‘Abnormally Large Testicles’ Lead To Sale Of Australian Racehorse

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS JUST IN

Giant snow penis appears in Swedish town

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE POLICE

Woman calls police after arriving too late for McDonald’s drive-thru breakfast

(Thanks to AmoebaStampede)

WE HOPE THEY KNOW WHO THEY’RE MESSING WITH

Navy to continue bombing in Florida

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CSI: KENNESAW, GA.

"After a quick investigation, we located the turkey that was holding up traffic…..literally a turkey."

Needless to say it produced a valid Florida driver’s license.

(Thanks to Ralph) 

Journalism Question: Is there some rule requiring that EVERY news story involving a bird MUST include some play on the words “foul” and “fowl?” 

IT BIT THE MOTOR

Boat captain pets great white shark off Pinellas coast

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

January 23, 2021

AMERICA DEMANDS AN ANSWER

Do Testicles Have Taste Buds?

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NOW THIS IS WHAT WE CALL INITIATIVE

Gwinnett County Police Detectives arrested a 19-year-old man after he scammed over $980,000 from Kroger.

In two weeks.

(Thanks to Dave N, who says “In the old days we’d just shove steaks into our pants and walk out.”)

TWIT

Prince Charles is celebrating Red Squirrel Appreciation Day!

"As you will all know so well, these charming and intelligent creatures never fail to delight," Charles, 72, wrote. "I take enormous pleasure in having them around – and in! – the house when I am at home in Scotland.

(Thanks to B’game)

Somebody needs to tell the prince: Toronto woman finds knife-wielding squirrel in back yard

(Thanks to Doc Occ)

January 22, 2021

'AUTO BREWERY SYNDROME'

Man gets drunk WITHOUT boozing as bizarre condition turns cake into alcohol inside his stomach

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

TO BOLDLY GO

Haggis launched to the edge of space in celebration of Burns Night

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, who says "not far enough.")

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Naked man driving stolen JSO cruiser crashes into woods on I-10

Huh: The man... appeared to be in a distressed mental state

(Thanks to pharmaross, who notes that the "distressed mental state" is Florida)

AS RESIDENTS OF THIS CITY, WE ARE AMUSED

Elon Musk: Dig tunnels as solution for traffic jams in this Florida city

(Thanks to pharmaross and Woozy Barnes)

AND IN SPORTS

‘Call of Duty’ pro gamer retires at 25 due to thumb injury. ‘It breaks my heart

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE SO-CALLED ‘UNITED NATIONS’?

A college student in Norway peed his pants on camera to win a wacky $5,000 contest — but the money was seized by customs officials and he never saw a dime of it, he told the Post.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

January 21, 2021

THANK GOD FOR STUDIES

Making more money really does make people happier, study says

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

Obese, snoring mini pigs show how air flows through the throat during sleep apnea

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU CANNOT MAKE IT UP

Darth Vader babysuit recalled due to choking hazard

ATTENTION, MEN:

Male Mantises Evolved a Vital Trick to Avoid Being Decapitated After Sex

(Thanks to The Fourth George)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Senior citizens waiting for COVID-19 vaccine mistaken for ‘illegal rave’

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY

Seriously?

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and B'game)

OKLAHOMA TACKLES THE ISSUES

A bill to establish a Bigfoot hunting season was introduced in Oklahoma Wednesday.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

This Premium Gin Is Made From Distilled Elephant Dung

(Thanks to Ralph)

GOOD LUCK GETTING THEM TO LET GO

Invasive pythons hold key ingredient for COVID-19 vaccine

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

Australian Open players in quarantine accused of feeding mice in their hotel rooms

(Thanks to Susie Q Wacvet)

We never knew that mice had hotel rooms.

January 20, 2021

WE READ THE STORY, AND WE STILL HAVE NO IDEA

“We’re not crossing our fingers, we’re pressing our buttocks,” the organizers shouted to Roselyne Bachelot

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER THE HORSES PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Florida man accused of trying to steal horses, riding them home, deputies say

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

APPARENTLY THEY USE THEIR WINGS

Scientists have finally worked out how butterflies fly

INAUGURATION DAY

Here's a story about the time I marched in a presidential inaugural parade, back when we had those.

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Edwin Poots issues jelly and gravy shortage warning

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Ralph)

APPROACH WITH CAUTION

Cumming man accused of trespassing naked

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CSI: MYRTLE BEACH

The couple, who live in Myrtle Beach, were arguing when McCoy allegedly “brought up how the victim only has one testicle which caused the victim to get upset.”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THESE JUST IN

Wiltshire referral centre treats world-first dual penis dog successfully

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE 2021 MEN'S FASHION COLLECTION

...will make you long to have 2020 back.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Finally in 3-D: A Dinosaur’s All-Purpose Orifice

(Thanks to Steve K. and vee)

We think "all-purpose orifice" might be a good replacement for a cruder term we sometimes use to describe people we do not care for.

Another Way of Putting It: Scientists Have Described a Dinosaur's Butthole in Exquisite Detail

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet, Jim Kenaston and Jen Hansen)

Also: This fossil reveals how dinosaurs peed, pooped and had sex

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Also: 1st preserved dinosaur butthole is 'perfect' and 'unique,' paleontologist says

(Thanks to Doug in Sacramento and Doug Ogg)

January 19, 2021

THIS JUST IN

Paleontologists Detect 50-million-year-old Fossil Bug Penis

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

THEY CAN LEGALLY VOTE AND DRIVE IN FLORIDA

Army is working on Frankenbots with living tissue to better robot capabilities

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

IN THAT CASE, SIR, PLEASE RESUME SPEEDING

’I would have crashed:’ Fleeing suspect claims he was driving too fast to pull over, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LIKE, WOOF, DUDE

Great Falls veterinarian reports spike in marijuana ingestion by dogs

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

Zimbabwe Manager Accuses Cameroon Of ‘Witchcraft’ After Finding Dead Bat On The Field

(Thanks to Roberto)

HEEL

Dog owner on crutches spends £300 on vet bills for limping lurcher… only to find out he was simply copying him

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

January 18, 2021

CLEARLY EN ROUTE TO FLORIDA

Flaming truck speeds through town

(Thanks to Steve K)

FRANCE ON HIGHEST POSSIBLE ALERT

Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candle explodes into flames causing an ‘inferno’ in a woman’s living room

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY CONTRACT IT IN AN AIRPORT

Man found living in Chicago airport for three months 'due to fear of Covid'

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says "I've spent three months circulating the passenger pickup loop, but never been inside that long.")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:09 p.m. A woman reported her brother was manufacturing drugs and messing with her Wi-Fi.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THEY TOOK HALF THE DAY OFF

Magicians mark 100 years of 'sawing woman in half' trick

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

SEND THEM TO FLORIDA; THEY CAN FIGHT IT OUT WITH THE PYTHONS

Colombia’s ‘cocaine hippos’ must be stopped, scientists warn

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE THREATENED TO CALL THE POLICE ON HER

Police say Oregon man who stole a car with a child in the backseat came back and 'lectured' the mom about parenting

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and pharmaross)

THEY WERE TRAINED BY THE SQUIRRELS

Shrewd macaques prefer to target items that humans are most likely to exchange for food, such as electronics, rather than objects that tourists care less about, such as hairpins or empty camera bags

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

January 17, 2021

AUTOMOTIVE OPTION OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Alabama man finds $300,000 of heroin in car bought at Tennessee government auction

(Thanks to pharmaross)

 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise