Dave Barry's Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Here's to a MUCH better 2021, everybody. And don't forget:

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO HUMAN RIGHTS AT ALL

A Florida man who wasn’t on fire is charged with a felony after police say he sprayed himself with a fire extinguisher in an attempt to dry himself.

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "He looks very extinguished.")

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Maine kayaker rescues escaped goat that swam into the ocean

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE ASSUME ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE SINGLE

Leech keepers share videos of themselves allowing their parasitic 'pets' to feed off them by sucking their blood every three months

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

YES, AND?

A Three Forks woman is accused of shooting a gun after a man, who wasn’t allowed in her house, mooned her on his way out.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AS OPPOSED TO AN ALIEN FROM THIS PLANET

World’s Largest Sea Slug Looks Like an Alien From Another Planet

(Thanks to Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION

Florida Man Flies Learjet With Excavator Like a Toy Plane

(Thanks to Ralph)

PROBABLY RELATED TO BEER CONSUMPTION

US rivers are changing from blue to yellow and green, satellite images show

(Thanks to The Perts)

ATTENTION, TECH BROS PLANNING TO RELOCATE TO MIAMI:

Read this first.

ADVISORY TO THOSE WHO ARE FLEEING AUSTRALIA TO ESCAPE THE PLAGUE OF CEILING SNAKES:

Don't flee to Thailand.

(Thanks tp pharmaross)

THE LITTLE FURRED TERRORISTS ARE GETTING THEIR LAST 2020 LICKS IN

Aggressive squirrel attacks reported in Queens neighborhood

(Thanks to many people)

AND IN SPORTS

Fitzwilliam (Milton) Hunt has apologised for distress caused last week when a group of hounds ran through a crematorium while a funeral was in progress.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says "Other than that, it was a nice funeral.")

IT WILL HENCEFORTH BE KNOWN AS 'McDONALD'S'

Shibushi-shi Shibushi-cho Shibushi no Shibushi Shiyakusho Shibushi Shisho to change name

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:02 a.m. The occupants of a truck with a dead deer’s head in the windshield — one who was wearing a ski mask and the other with a radio clipped to his shirt — got very defensive when confronted.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHEN THE CONTOURS RECORDED THIS WONDERFUL SONG...

...they could not possibly have envisioned this.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

NOW YOU TELL US

Earth Actually Has Four North Poles

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who says "No wonder everybody's lost.")

A NICE MEMORY FROM BACK WHEN THIS BLOG WAS 11 YEARS OLD

I hadn’t thought about this for many years, but a friend of mine posted something of yours this week. And it made me think of the time I was on the front page of the newspaper, with you signing your autograph to my son’s leg cast in 1986. I still have the leg cast, by the way, not to mention the clipping from the Spokane newspaper. You autographed my copy of Babies and Other Hazards of Sex. Still have that too. Good times! -- -- Sue Harwood

O THE HUMANITY

Canmore Fire-Rescue responds to semi-truck full of toilet paper on fire

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "the load was wiped out.")

PRETEND FLORIDA LAW-ENFORCEMENT OFFICER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

He reportedly claimed to be a Hillsborough County deputy multiple times and said he rammed her vehicle to try and “stop her crime of driving reckless,” according to the report.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE KNOW WHAT *NOT* TO DO

Frozen whale on LBI challenge to remove from beach

(Thanks to pretty much everybody)

AND BY 'FAINT-HEARTED,' WE MEAN 'SANE'

Snake massage trend is not for the faint-hearted

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'A TRADITIONAL VEGETABLE PRODUCT'

After 20 Years, Court Tells Baker to Stop Selling Cookies Made With Sawdust

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE ARE SHOCKED, SHOCKED

Cheating a 'free-for-all' at virtual high schools, teachers say

That's in Canada, of course. No way OUR kids are cheating.

(Thanks t The Perts)

IT'S POSSIBLE, WHAT WITH ALL THE PANDEMIC SNACKING

Are there aliens hiding around Uranus?

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S FINE TO INSTALL THEM; JUST DON'T TURN THEM ON

The blades on 191,000 ceiling fans sold at Home Depot might fly off while spinning

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

FLORIDA HOOD ORNAMENT

THIS SUGGESTS THAT THE ORIGINAL VERSION CONTAINS MEAT

Derided in the West, spam is so beloved in Asia that one company has invented a meat-free version of it

(Thanks to The Perts)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

5:38 p.m. A concerned mother was satisfied her son was not having an emergency but still wanted law enforcement to tell him she would like a phone call.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

INEVITABLY

Gingerbread monolith appears on Christmas in San Francisco

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Doug Ogg)

HOW DOES A GUY REMOVE SNOW FROM HIS DRIVEWAY?

This is how.

(Thanks to pharmaross, Maryann, Asher Scheiner and Ralph)

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Congress Legalizes Smokey Bear Impersonations

(Thanks to John Sullivan, who says "I no longer have to look over my shoulder.")

HISTORICALLY HISTORIC

Oklahoma county road sign marks spot where Paul McCartney asked for directions

(Thanks to sunbeamsvc, who says "But he didn't sleep there.")

WHY IS THIS COOKIE WRAPPED AROUND MY TONGUE?

Florida python hunter bakes Christmas cookies using snake eggs

(Thanks to Le Petomane and pharmaross)

THIS IS WHY IT IS OUR POLICY, CRUEL THOUGH IT MAY SOUND, NEVER TO TRY TO HELP A CONSTIPATED ELEPHANT

Poo Explodes In Vet’s Face As He Tries To Help A Constipated Elephant

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CSI: FLATHEAD COUNTY

1:29 p.m. A deputy investigating a cat bite was also bitten by the cat.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Bags of chia seeds wash ashore on central coast near Florence and Newport

(Thanks to John Lobert, pharmaross and Ralph)

SO IT HAS CHARACTER

Woman Realizes The $1 “Paperweight” She Bought Is Actually An Urn With Someone’s Ashes

(Thanks to John Lobert)

YOU GO AHEAD

Study finds eating healthy people's poo can reduce symptoms leading to heart attacks and type-2 diabetes

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says "Here’s a healthy salad for you dear. What's that smell?")

ONE LITTLE FLAW

Urban Outfitters forced to recall thousands of flammable candle holders

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CHRISTMAS EVE

Have a Cool Yule, you wonderful blogfolk. May your days be merry and bright. And if you live in South Florida, may the falling lizards not land on your head.

IMAGINE THEIR GRATITUDE

Report: Florida man sets truck on fire to give deputies 'something to do'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE ASSUME THE CLUBS WERE ALSO DRIVERS, AND AS SUCH HAD VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

Florida man arrested for tossing golf clubs at other drivers before punching trooper

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IF THAT'S NOT SUSPICIOUS, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IS

Suspicious Black Country behaviour turns out to be men ‘walking’ pet owl

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS IN MIAMI

Bill Gross harassed neighbor with ‘Gilligan’s Island’ song, judge rules

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

AND THEN DIES

Man swims 662 feet underwater on only one breath

(Thanks to MOTW)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Magnet fisherman pulls 19 grenades out of British river

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

AFTER THIS THEY WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO RETIRE THE NOBEL PRIZE

KFC launches game console that keeps your chicken warm

(Thanks to Fred Preller and Ralph)

DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER

Here's my year in review.

WHO SAYS THERE ARE NO MIRACLES?

Mum stunned to see ‘face of Jesus’ in Brussels sprout while preparing veg ahead of Christmas

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and John Lobert)

AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING

Walla Walla police make largest toilet paper seizure in agency history

So now they have something to go on.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)