Dave Barry's Blog

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

It's a helluva town.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

(YOUR WASHINGTON JOKE HERE)

The secret social lives of giant poisonous rats

(Thanks to Dave Emery and Ralph)

IT IS MORE THAN WELCOME ON THE STREETS OF MIAMI

Toronto Police Pull Over Car With 30-Year Expired Plates

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDA HERO

A retired man leapt into a pond and wrestled his puppy from the jaws of an alligator, and the dramatic incident was captured on camera

(Thanks to Barry Nester, Kevin Smith, Peter Metrinko and Stan Ruth)

AND IN SPORTS

SNOOKER STAR RONNIE O'SULLIVAN RIPS HUGE FART AND BLAMES REF

(Thanks to pharmaross)

KARMA

Sex Pistols star Johnny Rotten bitten by a flea after rescuing squirrels

This happens far too often.

(Thanks to Charles Cates, Alkali Bill and AmoebaStampede)

THEN THEY QUALIFY FOR FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

What If Plants Have Personalities?

(Thanks to Mad Hatter)

CLOWN OVERBOARD

"They will erect an entire professional bull riding arena on the bough of the flight deck," Steve Banta, executive director of USS Lexington Museum said.

(Thanks to Mickgo)

JUST A BEER FOR US, THANKS

Japan gifts the world with First Essence Tagame Gin made from a giant water bug

(Thanks to Ralph)

THESE ARE ALL CONSENTING SPIDERS

Some male spiders tie up females to avoid being eaten

(Thanks to Ralph)

A FLORIDA ETC. IS ETC.

Motorist crashes into West Yorkshire house and drives off with front door lodged in windscreen

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says "What door, officer?")

MAYBE A NICE PYTHON PIE

A species of snake has become so invasive that officials in Florida are considering issuing an advisory on how to eat them, despite the fact they're loaded with mercury.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS JUST IN

The Belgian city of Oudenburg’s holiday display has made international headlines for the wrong reasons.

(Thanks to tembo samadi and pharmaross)

The New York Times is covering this, people!

EXCITING! (IN THE SENSE OF: STUPID!)

Colorado residents waited up to 14 hours to get their hands on In-N-Out burgers and fries after the California chain opened two locations in the state Friday.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

Truffle munching wallabies shed new light on forest conservation

(Thanks to Ralph)

2020 NEEDS TO STOP

Tofurkys are selling like hotcakes

(Thanks to Le Petomne, who says "I'll settle for the hotcakes, please.")

WHEN HAS SKILL EVER BEEN A REQUIREMENT?

This $99 gadget helps you make music, no skill required

(Thanks to Rick Stevenson, who says "I've not heard the Rock Bottom Remainders so I am not sure if this would come in handy or not.")

(To which the Remainder reply: Get back to us when this thing has written a book.)

IT'S GETTING WORSE, PEOPLE

Thai man in Surin greeted by crocodile in his toilet

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WENT WELL

Biker with meth falls during race, accidentally shoots himself before getting hit by car

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and pharmaross)

A GIANT LEAP FOR DEADKIND

NASA sending human remains to the moon in summer 2021

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

IF THIS DRIVER EVER GETS TO MIAMI...

...he will definitely find work as a parking valet.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and John Lobert)

GUYS IN ACTION

...a group of Caterpillar customers, expert machinery operators, and gamers use radio controlled skid-steer loaders to ‘play’ a giant game of Pac-Man in a trench maze.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ONLY 13 HOURS FROM MIAMI

14-year-old driver hits 125 mph while trying to evade state trooper on I-680 in Omaha

(Thanks to Steve Bradford)

JUST FRIES FOR US, THANKS

The Ouroboros Steak, named after the ancient Egyptian snake that eats itself, can be grown from cells scraped from the inside of your cheek and fed serum from old donated blood.

(Thanks to Rick Stevenson, who says "I'm sticking with cow," and Le Petomane, who says "I never knew I tasted like chicken.")

IF YOUR NAME IS ANU, AND YOU WANT TO OPEN A RESTAURANT...

...be careful what you call it.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

Cuomo window sticker allows N.Y. governor to keep an eye on family gatherings

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Australian Uses Wheelie Bin to Steal Almost $10k Worth of Cowboy Hats

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE CANADIAN CONSTITUTION, ASSUMING THERE IS ONE

Canadian officials urge motorists not to let moose lick their cars

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT THE LARGEST JETS

A survey by online bazaar OnlyBuy found that the biggest earners tend to have the smallest willies.

(Thanks to pharmaross, John Lobert and Rick Stevenson, who says "You know who you are.")

'PLAN A SUPER SPREAD'

Grocery Chain Apologizes After Releasing ‘Super Spread' Ad for Thanksgiving

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WENT VERY WELL

Man applying for Washington State Patrol job gets arrested during interview

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Indian dung festival celebrates end to Diwali

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT 'COMMUNING WITH NATURE'

...they probably do not mean this.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

'UNACCEPTABLE PROFESSIONAL CONDUCT'

PE teacher struck off for getting drunk and flashing boobs at pupils’ prom

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CATS: INSANE, OR CRAZY?

Yes.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Nigella Lawson butters her toast twice, and Britain is really angry about it

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'D TAKE A BOW, BUT WE CAN NO LONGER BEND OVER

Germany hails couch potatoes as heroes of coronavirus pandemic

(Thanks to John Lobert and Le Petomane)

MOVE

What to do if a block of frozen urine falls on your house from a plane

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THIS WORKS GREAT IN MOVIES

Man wanted in $35M Ponzi scheme tries to flee FBI on underwater sea scooter

(Thanks to many people)

THIS WILL DEFINITELY GIVE HIM AN EDGE IN SECURING A PARKING SPACE

NYC man shoots flamethrower from top of MTA bus in Brooklyn

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THESE PEOPLE ARE DOING THIS FOR A PARKING SPACE, YOU HAVE NEVER DRIVEN IN NEW YORK CITY

Fight over parking spot escalates quickly — Wait for it…

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

But you need to move fast.

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

IT WAS ETC. AFTER ETC.

Apparent decapitated body on Florida beach was a store mannequin

(Thanks to MOTW and Ralph)

THEY TASED IT AFTER INFORMING IT OF ITS RIGHTS

Police Storm In For A Drug Raid, Find A Chicken Living In The Bathroom Instead

(Thanks to Dave N.)

THIS COULD RESULT IN THE REVOCATION OF THEIR FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Uh-Oh, Scientists Used Human Genes to Make Monkey Brains Bigger

(Thanks to Roberto)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Jade Thirlwall claims eating pork tsp has left her buttocks larger

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

LOTTERY TICKETS ARE A WASTE OF MONEY

A COFFIN maker in Indonesia became an instant millionaire - when a $1.8million lump of space rock crashed through his roof.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

A BOLD STATEMENT

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

'WHAT POLE, OFFICER?'

Florida man hauled stolen I-4 utility pole atop his sedan, troopers say

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

LET'S JUST GO AHEAD AND SET FIRE TO THE BILL OF RIGHTS

New Hampshire authorities seize alligator from home

(Thanks to MOTW)