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October 24, 2020

EVENTUALLY HE'LL MAKE CHANGE

Gainesville police arrested a man who stole and ate a woman’s $5 bill.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU KNOW WHO IS BEHIND THIS

Walmart store evacuated when skunk wanders inside

(Thanks to Ralph)

THERE IS NO FUN LIKE SCIENTIST FUN

Scientists Drive Tiny Robot Around Inside Living Butthole

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

Escaped cloned female mutant crayfish take over Belgian cemetery

(Thanks to pharmaross and AmoebaStampede, who says "We might as well just shred the Crustatucean.")

STAND WITH ME, AMERICA

You can be in the cabinet.

DB4prez

AND THEN PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

'Hey, crap, this bird is alive!' Driver describes how bald eagle came back to life in back seat of his van

(Thanks to pharmaross)

October 23, 2020

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER T-SHIRT

The World's Largest Air Cannon

(Thanks to John Lobert)

OOPS

A young couple who once dined at the Big Apple’s iconic Balthazar couldn’t bottle up their emotions after ordering an $18 Pinot Noir — but being served a $2,000 Mouton Rothschild instead by accident, the eatery’s owner recounted this week.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AS FORETOLD IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

A pig appears in Brooklyn.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who wants to send it to Washington.)

Related: The City of Tallahassee Animal Service Center says they have rescued a pig who was living in a fraternity house.

Statement made by a person who apparently has never been in a frat house: "...pigs aren't meant to live in frat houses..."

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

A giant inflatable Borat has taken over the Toronto waterfront

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO PUT ON A MASK AND GO

Florida man accused in cocaine bust was ‘only selling due to COVID’

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GET BACK TO US WHEN THEY LOCATE GOLDFINGER

Declassified Files Reveal a Possible Spy in Poland—Named James Bond

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

October 22, 2020

WE MIGHT AS WELL SET FIRE TO THE BILL OF RIGHTS

Men arrested for alleged plan to shoot bowling balls out of cannon

Key Detail: Marijuana, two glass pipes and liquid THC were also found truck, according to the report.

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

CANCEL THAT TRIP TO THE MAGIC KINGDOM

Kalamazoo’s new $107K outdoor public restroom opening soon

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOUNDS KIND OF EXTREME

Court orders California to cut San Quentin inmates by half

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I’m wondering if the inmates get to choose which half they get to keep.")

CSI: HAWKINS COUNTY, TENN.

...a deputy noted handprints that “seemed consistent with a monkey"

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "send that monkey to Washington.")

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

We Finally Know What a Dinosaur’s Butthole Looks Like

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and pharmaross)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Ft. Pierce woman claims wind blew cocaine into her purse

(Thanks to pharmaross)

October 21, 2020

IT LAUGHS AT YOUR ROLLED-UP MAGAZINE

Meet the Diabolical Ironclad Beetle. It’s Almost Uncrushable.

(Thanks to Steve K., who says he saw them open for Iron Butterfly.)

YOUR POINT, DUDE?

Marijuana keeps washing up in the Florida Keys, this time a 5-pound bale

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Phil Collins’ ex-wife has allegedly taken over his Miami mansion with ‘armed occupation’

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

There's a Secret Organ in Your Head

(Thanks to many people)

IT'S THE 'LSD FLOWER' STRAIN, DUDES

Health department investigates claim mold found in medical marijuana sold in St. Louis

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE WORLDWIDE EPIDEMIC OF TOILET SNAKES SHOWS NO SIGN OF ABATING

Pain in the asp: Woman is bitten on the butt by a python while using the toilet in Thailand

(Thanks to Roberto)

THIS IS HOW THE SQUIRRELS FUND THEIR NEFARIOUS SCHEMES

Two young raccoons were found running around inside the Redwood City bank that was closed to the public at the time, the Peninsula Humane Society & SPCA said in a news release.

They use young raccoons because they know the authorities won't prosecute juveniles.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OOPS

In her haste to ditch a bag of methamphetamine during a traffic stop, a Louisiana woman allegedly tossed the drug out her car window and promptly hit a patrolman with the airborne narcotics.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Kim Jong-un in bizarre plot to smuggle black market Danish bull semen into North Korea

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NO, 'TIS NOT

’Tis the Season for Toilet Paper Ornaments

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

GET THEM OUT OF CIVILIAN HANDS

Man, 26, Busted For Battery After Domestic Pumpkin Attack

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

October 20, 2020

2020 METAPHOR ALERT

The ballot collection box on Alaska Street in the West Seattle Junction was apparently contaminated with feces on Saturday afternoon.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Marathon man attacked his roommate with a baseball bat, the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office says, and the victim says the beating was over a dead rodent he was keeping in their freezer to feed a pet snake.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE BEST WAY TO KILL IT WOULD BE TO PLAY 'COPACABANA'

Man Puts His Head Phones On And Feels A Giant Huntsmen Spider Hiding Inside

You know the continent.

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING

And we know what Dad wants.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PSST DUDE... NEED A SQUIRREL?

Florida wildlife investigators bust million-dollar flying squirrel trafficking ring

(Thanks to pharmaross, Allen at Division and vee)

IF THERE WERE ONLY ONE EAGLES FAN IN THE STADIUM, HE WOULD FIGHT HIMSELF

Here's video of Eagles fans throwing violent haymakers at each other while breaking every COVID-19 protocol in the book during Philly's loss to Baltimore on Sunday.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and pharmaross)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:08 p.m. A pig reported to be “pretty friendly” was on the loose near a fast food restaurant.

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

WE'LL NEVER FORGET WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE AWFUL NEWS

Celebrity star Betelgeuse is smaller and closer to us than we thought

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who says "Yet another 2020 disappointment.")

October 19, 2020

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM...

Florida woman keeps telling police her name is "My butt just farted" during arrest

Here's What Makes This a Quintessential Florida Story: ...she had her last name tattooed on her back...

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GUYS IN ACTION

Sheriff's deputies say a man accidentally destroyed a trailer home in a fire while he was trying to scare away a family of raccoons.

Shocker: "...a 38 year old male who had been using narcotics..."

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE'D HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF HE'D USED ROQUEFORT

Naked teen taken into custody after damaging Topeka business, covering himself in ranch dressing & crashing car

(Thanks to pharmaross and Kevin Smith)

LASSIE COME... OH, THERE YOU ARE

Police rescue 'missing' dog that was stuck under owner's reclining chair for two days

(Thanks to maryann, who notes that "It's always the last place you look.")

WE MISS 2019

The Flaming Lips performed a concert with the band and fans encased in plastic bubbles

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SOMETIMES WE WONDER HOW SOCIETY COULD HAVE FUNCTIONED BEFORE WE HAD THE INTERNET

A woman from New York recently showed off how a pair of pants that she bought made an embarrassing noise when she bent down. A video she posted to show the pants making the noise apparently clicked with users and it quickly went viral.

(Thanks to John Lobert, Emily, Leslie and w, and pharmaross)

SO IT'S MONDAY...

...and perhaps you are not looking forward to the work week. If that's the case, you might take some comfort in this song by Mac McAnally, a pretty darned wonderful songwriter.

(Thanks to Mr. Greg Iles for sending me this link.)

October 18, 2020

WHAT'S THAT GLOW?

You can visit a theme park in Germany - built in a former nuclear power plant

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Palacios told a deputy the Porsche 911 Turbo is a fast car and cannot go slow after “burning out” pulling away from a stoplight and reaching speeds over 100 mph.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

The Lyon County Sheriff’s Office arrested a man after he was found living in the ceiling of the Raley’s grocery store in Fernley.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW DISTURBING TWINKIE OPEN FOR BIG PILE OF EELS

A Disturbing Twinkie That Has, So Far, Defied Science

(Thanks to Ranald Adams and Suzie Q Wacvet)

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

GUY MANAGES TO RUN DOOM ON A GRAPHING CALCULATOR POWERED BY 700 POTATO PIECES

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "If this guy doesn’t deserve a Nobel Prize, nobody does.")

ALSO THE MUSIC IS WORSE

In other words, people today are about 10 percent heavier than people were in the 1980s, even if they follow the exact same diet and exercise plans.

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

 
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