Dave Barry's Blog

HARD PASS

Animal sanctuary in Gilbert offering cow hugging sessions

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IOWA: THE PARTY STATE

‘Booze N’ Tattoos’ just one way Marengo nursing home keeps spirits high during pandemic

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS ARTICLE IS VERY... UM... WHADDYACALLIT

A new study by Stanford University has found that watching TV while also scrolling social media can lead to memory loss.

(Thanks to Dave Stuff)

HEY, THOSE THINGS CAN BE DEADLY

Leeks mistaken for machete spark Aberdeen police probe

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

THEY COULD ACHIEVE THE SAME RESULT FOR A LOT LESS MONEY BY FLYING TO MIAMI

SpaceX will not recognise international law on Mars, according to the Terms of Service of its Starlink internet project.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Scientists find Madagascar chameleon last seen 100 years ago

(Thanks to The Perts and Steve K., who says "She hasn't aged a bit.")

Huge spider assumed extinct in Britain discovered on MoD training site

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "That thing belongs in Australia.")

THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT, HUMANS

Watch a self-driving Roborace car drive directly into a wall

Excellent Analysis: "OH NO and the start has not gone to plan."

(Thanks to John Gregg)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS THE PERFECT CRIME

Woman attempting to dine and dash from B.C. restaurant falls through ceiling in botched escape

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PARENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A Georgia woman accused of attempting to hide a loaded firearm in some plants outside a Disney World theme park told deputies her 6-year-old was actually the one who put it there, however, video and witness statements showed otherwise.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Kevin Smith)

BY USING THEIR ARMS TO PUT FOOD IN THEIR MOUTHS?

Researchers Finally Figured Out How Octopuses Taste With Their Arms

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

SO IT ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

10-foot python found under hood of Mustang in South Florida

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU KNOW WHO SENT IT ON THIS MISSION

At least seven staff members and an animal control officer chased the raccoon through the empty hallways for much longer than they would probably like to admit.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'LL WAIT FOR IT TO GO ON SALE

NASA Spots Asteroid Worth $10,000,000,000,000,000,000

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who says "Just imagine the property taxes"

IS IT A COMPETITION?

Who Falls Asleep Faster After Sex, Men or Women?

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "With my ex, I fell asleep DURING sex.")

DUDE

Chinese police have arrested a man after he scattered a “heavenly rain of banknotes” on commuters from his apartment window while allegedly high on methamphetamine.

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

'It looked like a shark attack!' Gary Numan's wife Gemma recalls the moment her breasts 'exploded' during a caravan trip with her husband... who was forced to 'hold them together'

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

GO FIGURE

An East Dallas Home's Halloween Decorations Prompt Multiple Police Visits

(Thanks to pharmaross and Rod Nunley)

WASHINGTON BECKONS

Woman accused of impersonating prosecutor, dropping criminal charges against herself

(Thanks to roughly 13 million people)

AND IN SPORTS

Robot Cam confuses linesman’s bald head for a football in Scotland

(Thanks to Ralph)

AUSTRALIA: OUR COWS ARE MORE BADASS THAN YOUR COWS

Cow caught chewing on a large python in outback northern Australia

(Thanks to John Lobert and Ralph)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

Rare, 4-foot-wide jellyfish spotted on Florida beach

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'911, WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?'

At 9:38 a.m., a caller at Dugualla Road reported that a man intentionally defecated in the toilet “to the point that it is clogged.” The caller reported that she hasn’t defecated in five days because it is clogged and that she is constipated and bloated.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AND OF COURSE IT WAS A GUY

Of Course Someone In Wisconsin Built a Jet-Powered Cheese Wedge

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WELL THEY *ARE* NAKED

Pole-dancing skeletons must be removed, HOA tells homeowner

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE EARTH IS CUTTING THE CHEESE

'Sleeping giant' Arctic methane deposits starting to release, scientists find

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THEIR WALLETS WERE DISGUSTING

Medieval English people used to pay their rent in eels

(Thanks to Ralph)

BOLO

A US Air Force A-10 Thunderbolt accidentally dropped a training weapon on Korea, and no one knows where it went

(Thanks to Steve K.)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Vampire bats socially distance when they fall ill

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT, NEW YORK, NEW YORK!

Leonard Shoulders, 33, was waiting for a bus on Third Ave. near E. 183rd St. in Belmont Saturday afternoon when the concrete sidewalk suddenly cracked open and swallowed him.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:49 a.m. A man in the alley wearing a robe and what looked like a shower cap on his head seemed out of place.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

She also said she wasn’t aware that she was missing a tire.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IF YOU THOUGHT 'SHARKNADO' HAD THE WORST HORROR-MOVIE PREMISE EVER

...you were wrong.

Somewhat NSFW.

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Hard pass.")

BUTTOCKS MAKING NEWS

Rochester Man Pleads Guilty Over Cocaine Found In Someone Else's Buttocks

Stamford man stabbed in buttocks over game of chess

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FAKE NEWS! IN FLORIDA, *ALL* ANSWERS ARE CORRECT.

Florida driving school suspended after giving out correct exam answers

(Thanks to pharmaross)

A THREE-HOUR TOUR....

Investor Bill Gross accused of blaring ‘Gilligan’s Island’ song on loop to torment neighbor

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT CYMBALS

Thieves steal trailer full of drums from Seattle World Percussion Society

(Thanks to pharmaross)

We saw Trailer Full of Drums open for Cream.

GETTING SERIOUS OVER THERE

If you say "cancelled clown" three times in front of the mirror in certain Burger King restrooms in Scandinavia, the lights will dim and a vision of Ronald McDonald will appear.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

EVERYBODY'S STRESSED

Plumber punches co-worker during toilet repair

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'BEST WORK?'

In venturing over to YouTube I've noticed a lot of "reaction videos" popping up.  They typically involve a hip young person reacting to a video of some classic rock or blues performance by one of the great artists of the time ("First time hearing" Stevie Ray Vaughan reaction videos are a good example).  Sadly, I've yet to see a reaction video for the Rock Bottom Remainders best work.

-- Jim Kenaston

'COVETED?'

Walmart exclusively nabs KFC's coveted chicken-scented firelogs

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY WERE ALL RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Crews vacuum 'murder hornets' out of Washington nest

(Thanks to many people)

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR BEER ACCESSIBLE AT *ALL TIMES*

THEY'LL FIT RIGHT IN

UFO sighting: Claim ‘Alien fleet’ spotted flying over California - ‘Something big going on

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: SHUT UP

A heated debate is spreading across Twitter: What, exactly, is the best way to organize groceries on a conveyor belt?

(Thanks to The Perts)

GOOD FOR HIM, WE GUESS

Famous fish that ate all his friends gets cheered up by 16th birthday party

(Thanks to Ralph)

A BRILLIANT GUY DOES A NICE THING

Satirist Tom Lehrer has put his songs into the public domain

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

TAKE ALL REASONABLE PRECAUTIONS

Impossible milk could be coming to your cereal bowl

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CSI: TENNESSEE

Severed finger leads to arrest in log splitter theft in Anderson County

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FYI

Happy Endings Could Mess Up Your Brain's Decision-Making, Study Says

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "Most misleading headline of the day so far.")

THIS IS THE THANKS YOU GET

Man Arrested After Calling 911 To Alert Authorities About Alien Invasion

(Thanks to pharmaross)