Dave Barry's Blog

SURE IT IS

New Jersey is most physically and mentally fit state, report says

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BUT... WHY?

Man steals cat blood from Florida clinic, deputies say

(Thanks to Barry Nester, pharmaross and Le Petomane)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Firefighters battle blaze from 22-ton pile of chicken poop

(Thanks to Ralph, pharmaross and John Lobert)

HEY, THEY WASHED THEM FIRST

Vietnamese factory busted recycling hundreds of thousands of used condoms

(Thanks to Andrew MacIntyre and pharma "Not Suzie Q Wacvet" ross)

INSERT YOUR 'BONAPARTE' JOKE HERE

The Journey of Napoleon’s Penis

(Thanks to Suzie Q "Not pharmaross" Wacvet)

YET ANOTHER LINK YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT TO CLICK ON

...can be found here.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

OTHER THAN THAT HE WAS CLEAN

In searching Riojas and the bag he they say he tossed away, police say they found 3 different cell phones, brass knuckles, a pill cutter, $240 in counterfeit currency marked “prop only”, well over a hundred blue oxycodone pills laced with fentanyl, 9 suboxone strips, two pipes, a scale, numerous knives, and some suspicious checks.

Police say they also discovered that Riojas had felony warrants for a DOC violation, possession of heroin, and identity theft.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEAR ARACHNOPHOBES:

Don’t click on this.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ANOTHER THING NOT TO DO IN AUSTRALIA:

Camping.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SEND THIS PENSIONER TO WASHINGTON

Pensioner wiped out village’s broadband for 18 months by turning on old TV

(Thanks to Prairie Cynic and Allen at Division)

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU CAN’T MAKE IT EVERYWHERE

MTA board to formally ban pooping in subways and buses

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner and Jeff Meyerson)

THAT WAS NO MAN. THAT WAS A LARGE SQUIRREL.

A man dressed in a chipmunk outfit robbed a Ville Platte pharmacy at gunpoint over the weekend.

(Thanks to Ralph)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEW YORK POST:

Robert Kraft likely to get off in Florida massage parlor case

(Thanks to pharmaross and Kevin Meerschaert)

‘DEFO SPIDER POO’

Cleaning fan asks what the black dots which have mysteriously appeared in her kitchen are & is horrified by the answer

(Thanks to John Lobert)

REPRESENTED, WE ASSUME, BY A NON-IMAGINARY LAWYER

Man who took clothes off to keep imaginary snakes from attacking him appears in court

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CSI: DUNFERMLINE

Dunfermline man exposed his buttocks to his neighbours shouting: 'Take a photo of this!'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WELCOME HOME!

Snake lands on Mississippi woman as she opens her front door

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CANADA: A NATION OUT OF CONTROL

Fergus, Ont., woman fined $25K for illegally importing hundreds of doses of bovine semen

(Thanks to Allen at Division and pharmaross)

TIME TO GET A REAL JOB, RESEARCHERS

Researchers from the University of Bristol used a behavioural test on lab rats that measures their emotional experience while tickling them and listening for squeaks.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

AND IN SPORTS

Parrot interrupts Brazilian soccer practice, lands on player's head

(Thanks to Ralph)

IF YOU DINE AT WAFFLE HOUSE...

...be sure to pay your bill.

(Thanks to Geoff)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER, PEOPLE

Watch 10,000 snail-eating ducks 'clean' a rice paddy

(Thanks to Dave N., who says "They opened the tour for the Yardbirds, I think.")

BEAR IN MIND THEY'RE GUCCIS

Would you buy $1,400 overalls — with fake grass stains?

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A FUN PARTY

12 injured after hydrogen-filled balloons explode during Indian PM’s birthday

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Moral: Hydrogen is not the same thing as helium.

OR YOU COULD JUST, YOU KNOW, KICK THE TIRES

A 30-year-old Norwich driver who hit speeds in excess of 100 mph before hitting several trees and rolling a car on the highway reportedly told police she wanted to “test the capabilities” of the vehicle.

(Thanks to John Gebler, pharmaross and John Lobert)

A NATION ON THE BRINK OF TOTAL ANARCHY

Canadian police make arrests as tempers flare in lobster feud

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

To be clear: The Canadians' tempers are flaring, not the lobsters'.

PERFECT

Carson Wentz gets booed despite Eagles having no fans in the stadium

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WAIT... *WE'RE* SUPPOSED TO WORRY ABOUT *THEM?*

Every autumn, mature male tarantulas start on their quest to find a mate, exposing them to many dangers such as hawks and skunks, cars on the road, and people.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NOW WE'LL NEVER SOLVE THE TRICKY TRIANGLE

Cracker Barrel adds alcohol to its menu for the first time in company history

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FITNESS UPDATE

Coregasms?

(Thanks to Andrew MacIntyre)

FLORIDA LEADS THE WAY

Strip clubs in Jacksonville lobby to lower age limit for dancers to 18

(Thanks to pharmaross)

2020 KEEPS ON 2020-ING

U.S. has ‘out of control’ population of ‘super-pigs,’ expert says

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

PRESUMABLY THE DRIVER ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA COMMERCIAL LICENSE

It takes skill to park these big rigs.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF THINGS THAT ONLY GUYS DO

Here's another example.

(Thanks to Stephen M.)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER CAN OF RAID

"We have 60 small rooms. There are 20 million cockroaches in each room. In total there are 1 billion cockroaches," farm manager Yin Diansong tells me.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

CSI: ROCHDALE

"Male phoned requesting help as his girlfriend had locked him in some handcuffs and they couldn't now find the key," the department's tweet said. "Wanted police as he feared the fire brigade would cut them and they were expensive."

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert)

THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR

'Britain's dullest man' unveils the International Roundabout Of The Year

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Ralph)

Maybe Britain's dullest man would enjoy meeting these folks:

Colorado couple's 20-year search for extinct fruit finally pays off

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

NO IDEA HOW THEY GOT THERE

Rajasthan prisoner complains of pain, X-ray reveals 4 mobile phones in rectum

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Can you hear me now?")

STAND TALL, CLEVELAND

Browns fans let into game — immediately fight each other

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU OF COURSE KNOW WHERE COOLALINGA IS

Coolalinga woman wakes at 2am to find snake 'chomping' on her forehead

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, John Lobert and Ralph)

NOT 'ALLEGEDLY,' DUDE

Woman accused of driving while high on pot, allegedly does some dancing after pulled over

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT'S IMPORTANT, THAT'S WHY

Woman falls from car on M25 filming Snapchat video

(Thanks to Ed. Floden, pharmaross and John Lobert)

FLORIDARRRRRRRRR

Florida parents are getting high and exposing themselves during kids’ virtual classes

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NOW YE KNOW, MATEY

Cows Poop Corn Kernels, Too

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AHOY ME HEARTIES!

Boat full of migrants lands on nudist beach

(Thanks to Ralph)

ARRRRRR

Do ye know what day it be, me hearties? Aye, it be the day we scallywags be abusin' grammar an' syntax in th' name o' International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Here be our original column, mateys. An' here be a bunch o' newscasters attemptin' to talk like pirates last year on TLAPD. An' here be a comely TV wench explainin' how to talk like a pirate. (Them last two links be thanks to pharmaross.)

ROSH HASHANAH

To all the fine blogfolks who belong to the tribe: L'shanah tovah. (Hebrew for "Auld lang syne.")

WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THIS?

Russia Declares Venus a Russian Planet

(Thanks to Howard from Broward, who says "They need to be stopped before they claim Uranus.")

YOU'RE NOT EVEN SAFE *OUT* OF THE WATER

'Cannibal fish' with huge teeth terrifies walker as it lunges to bite him on beach

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "This is why they located New Zealand close to Australia.")

ATTENTION, PARENTS OF KYRGYZSTAN:

Keep your children indoors. We are not kidding.

(Thanks to John Lobert)