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August 28, 2020

CSI: AKRON

Phallic-shaped meat prompts police investigation

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and John Lobert)

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I'm proud to say I have never eaten a turkey tail smoked or otherwise. I wondered why anyone would eat feathers but evidently this is the fatty part of the turkey's butt. If I ever run across this I'll just ask for a salad.

What nursecindy said.

This genius thought it was "human remains" so she went to the #1 authority to check - Facebook Live? WTFBBQ?

Just buying "smoked turkey tails" disqualifies her from anyone I want to associate with.

If it was really a pork tail, shouldn't it be corkscrew shaped? In which case, it would look like a duck penis.

Didn't Phallic-Shaped Meat open for Madonna? Maybe it was the other way around.

Maybe it was just glad to see her.

This never would have happened if Joe Friday was on the case.

From the diary of Detective Joe Friday-

Since leaving California to save our sanity, Frank Gannon and I have guns and now travel to assist law enforcement agencies. Our last case took us to Akron, in the conservative state of Ohio.
Police were baffled by a 11-115-08.3. The selling of phallic shaped meat in public. This heinous crime is a hanging offense in Texas, but Ohio wanted to be more lenient for some reason.

Frank started checking out the purveyors of meat while I interviewed local veterinarians to see if they had done any forensic tests of phallic-shaped meat products.

Frank and I concluded the vile meat came from the Turkey Trot Farm. These criminals were passing turkey tails off as edible food! Oh, the humanity! All of those poor innocent turkeys walking around tailless.
We submitted our report to an unbelievable lack of judicial concern for innocent citizens.

We considered more drastic measures, but being lawmen, we decided to simply take our fee and travel without shooting anyone. Akron reminded us too much of Los Angeles anyway. When we drove past the State Line, Frank shed a tear, but when I mentioned we had a new case to solve in Florida and he would certainly get to shoot his gun there, he brightened.

Isn't "phallic shaped meat" redundant? Maybe they should have used a meat seeking missile?

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