Dave Barry's Blog

YIKES

What The Hell Is This River Of Black Sludge Oozing Through Arizona?

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "on its way to Florida.")

ROAD BLOCKED BY RYE

Semi rolls over, spills 40,000 pounds of whiskey in McDonald County

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "We're gonna need more ice.")

THE MOMENT THE WORLD HAS BEEN WAITING FOR, SOMEWHAT NERVOUSLY

The Remainders' new (actually, only) video is now live on Facebook and YouTube.

THURSDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

You're on, commenters.

AS IS HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Hungry Woman Fires Gun Inside McDonald’s Because Her Fries Were Cold

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

REMAINDER REMINDER:

Tomorrow at 9am eastern the Rock Bottom Remainders will release their new fundraiser music video to benefit independent bookstores. You can watch it on Facebook or YouTube. You can even listen to it, although we do not recommend this.

YOU CAN'T TRUST *ANYBODY*

A Michigan woman is behind bars after trying to hire an assassin from "rentahitman.com," which turned out to be a fake website.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

BOLO

Man Steals Massive Dildo From Sex Shop And He’s Still At Large

Another pun-filled version of this story here.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Bill Hudgins and B'game)

O CANADA!

“Use barriers, like walls (e.g. glory holes), that allow for sexual contact but prevent close face-to-face contact,” the B.C. CDC states on its website.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WEDNESDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

˙uǝdo ǝɹɐ sʇuǝɯɯoɔ ǝɥ┴

ROCK BOTTOM REMAINDERS NEWS

The Remainders and some our literary friends have recorded a social-distancing music video to raise money for the Book Industry Charitable Foundation, which supports local independent booksellers. I am not saying it's a GOOD music video, but I am saying it's for a good cause. It will premier on Facebook and Youtube Friday morning at 9 a.m. eastern. Here are the links:

Facebook

Youtube

Please give it a look Friday. Maybe have the volume on low. Thank you. 

TUESDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Your comment is important to us.

NOW YOU KNOW

Some Ticks Pee All Over Themselves While They Suck Blood

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HANDYMAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Maine man saws neighbor’s garage in half amid boundary dispute

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

THEY WERE ALSO PLAYING A VIDEO GAME TOGETHER

Naked Kentucky man breaks into home, claims he had ‘mushrooms with Jesus’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A TOAST

...to all you good blog folks, and better times ahead. Have a fine Saturday night.

FRIDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Don't be shy, people.

A SIGN OF THE APOOCALYPSE

Just when you thought 2020 couldn't get any more surreal...

(Thanks to Justin 'jtpm' F.)

UPDATE

Today Abraham Lincoln and I assisted a lost tourist.

UPDATE

 

UPDATE

Today we visited Longwood Gardens, a famous botanical garden in Pennsylvania. This turned out to be a very exciting day there, because Sprout, a corpse flower -- which gets its name because it smells terrible, like rotting meat -- was in bloom. This is a rare event, and there was a long line -- a four-hour wait -- to see Sprout, who is a major celebrity, like Mick Jagger.

We did not wait in this line; if we want to smell rotting meat, we will simply open our refrigerator when we get home. Instead we walked around and enjoyed the gardens, which are lovely. But if you would like to see Sprout (who does, in fact, look a little like Mick Jagger) you can see him (or her, we are not presuming) in action on the livestream stinky cam.

Or you can use the comments section for an open thread if you want. It's a free country! Although masks are mandatory.

YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN

I started my newspaper career in 1971 as a reporter for the Daily Local News in West Chester, Pa., where I learned pretty much everything I know about journalism, and wrote my first weekly humor columns. Today I was in West Chester and went to visit my old paper, only to discover that it has moved (the sign on the door didn't say where) and the once-spiffy building where I worked for five years is being consumed by plant life. Amid the greenery by the front entrance were a female deer and her two babies. Here I am with the mom. I'm like, "What are you doing here?" and she's like, "I live here. What are YOU doing here?"

SUNDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

We eagerly await your comments.

Also, please note that we're going to take a break from blogging for a few weeks. Nothing serious: Just a summer hiatus. We may post sporadically, if only to put up an open thread. Otherwise we'll see you good folks later. Take care. 

ALWAYS CARRY ONE ON YOUR PERSON

Delaware pizza store owner foils robbery by throwing pie at suspect, cops say

(Thanks to Le Petomane and John Lobert)

SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

A Newark woman went for a mile-long ride under the city of Passaic during Monday's flash flood. She survived the ordeal after being "shot out" into the Passaic River, a result authorities referred to as "miraculous."

(Thanks to Slim Chance)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Man on drugs arrested for biting seagull after it tried to steal his Big Mac

(Thanks to Andrew McIntyre)

AT LAST, SOME GOOD NEWS

Psychedelic Mushrooms Could Pit D.C. Against Congress

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE'RE WITH THE FAUNA ON THIS ONE

A University of Miami study found that electronic dance music is bad for underwater fauna that communicate with sound.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SATURDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

You may fire when ready.

ONE OF THEM IS A PURPLE 1973 AMC GREMLIN

4 mysterious objects spotted in deep space are unlike anything ever seen

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE PROUD TO RECEIVE SUCH A TICKET

Malfunctioning speed camera clocks Ford Focus going 437 mph, driver ticketed over $1,000, report says

(Thanks to Andrew McInyre)

HOWDY NEIGHBOR!

Hole in wall allows more than 20 snakes to enter Aurora woman’s apartment

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

FANCY SOME SASHIMI?

Fancy again.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

DEAR 2020: PLEASE STOP

New species of ‘walking’ sharks discovered in Australia

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says "Candygram.")

FRIDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

TGIF. Maybe the theme could be initialisms and acronyms. OMN. (Or Maybe Not.) 

TALLY HO!

Large group of naked teenagers spotted running through private land sparks police hunt

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN THE NATION'S SOPHISTICATION CAPITAL

New York City’s Arrogant Rats Keep Attacking Diners Who’ve Been Forced Outside by Pandemic

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SO THE FILTER IS DOING ITS JOB

Florida family finds baby alligator in pool filter

(Thanks to Mac demure)

WITH A CAMEO APPEARANCE BY THE AIRBAG

This is a video of two Iranian women recording themselves singing along to a song in the car with zero eyes on the road when they crash.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

MAYBE IT WAS A VEGAN LIZARD

Lidl 'very sorry' after revolted mum finds 'lizard head' in vegan bolognese sauce

(Thanks to John Lobert)

MICE HAVE COUCHES?

Protein from blood of exercising mice rejuvenates brains of ‘couch potato’ mice

(Thanks to John Lobert)

COMING SOON: A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

An Atlanta family said it received a voter registration form this week for their cat Cody Tims – who died 12 years ago.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

PRIORITIES

Man cuts through fence to escape New Zealand Covid-19 quarantine and visit liquor store

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

MEN, WE ARE SERIOUS WHEN WE SAY:

Do NOT click here.

("Thanks" to Allen at Division)

ACTUAL GOOD NEWS

Gary Larson is back.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE NEED THIS MAN IN WASHINGTON

Bernardo Bustillo, a councillor in the Torrelavega Municipality in southern Spain, has offered to resign after managing to livestream himself taking a shower during an online council meeting attended by the mayor, journalists and local residents, the Guardian reported on Friday.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, who says "it might drain the swamp.")

AND IT'S NOT CREEPY AT ALL!

Dancing robots replace fans at Japanese baseball game

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THURSDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

It is Thursday, right?

SUNSHINE STATE ENTREPRENEUR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Florida Prisoner Ripped Off Lowe’s to Build Home—From Jail, Feds Say

Using cellphones that were smuggled into the South Bay Correctional Facility, where he is serving up to 25 years, Murray allegedly stole the identities of contractors with open lines of credit at Lowe’s, according to the affidavit. Then, prosecutors say, he would order large amounts of building supplies, charging them to the unwitting contractors’ accounts.

A series of go-betweens picked up the materials from Lowe’s, delivering some to the crews building Murray’s house in Lake Placid, according to the feds. What Murray didn’t use, he allegedly sold at a steep discount on OfferUp, a Craigslist-style online marketplace, and used the proceeds to pay for the construction.

(Thanks to Andrew McIntyre)

WE WERE HOPING FOR A VACCINE, BUT OK

This Computer Scientist Found A Nearly Foolproof Strategy For Finding Waldo

(Thanks to John Lobert)