Dave Barry's Blog

FRIDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Our best hope, here in South Florida, is that the hurricane will blow the virus away.

THIS IS HELPFUL

In an experiment you should never, ever try at home, the experimenters at YouTube’s DemolitionRanch found that if you were strong enough to bend the barrel of a rifle back on itself (a clever maneuver Bugs Bunny often pulled on Elmer Fudd) the bullet would actually follow the curved path.

(Thanks to Geoff)

EASY ON THE DUMPLINGS, PEOPLE

The 63-year-old patient, known as Mr Wang, said he heard a bang coming from inside his body before realising something 'had exploded'.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SHOCKING

Parents with children forced to do school at home are drinking more

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

STIMULUS PACKAGE

The British government is investing £170,000 ($221,780) in a company that throws sex parties.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS PUT IT UP THERE

Cow rescued from terrace of 6-floor building

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THE PERILS OF ZOOM

‘Counselor, you have no pants on’

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CELEBRATE ACCORDINGLY

Today is National Orgasm Day.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and pharmaross)

SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF HIM

A villager in Uttar Pradesh's Firozabad district ran screaming for help when he saw a five-foot-long crocodile cosily perched in the toilet of his house, officials said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THURSDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

You go on ahead.

TOTALLY REASONABLE

Man fires gun in Miami hotel because people weren't social distancing, police say

(Thanks to Math-Yoda and pharmaross)

'CLASSIC' IN THE SENSE OF 'VERY BLURRY'

Loch Ness Monster: Firefighter 'baffled' after recording 'classic' Nessie sighting

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Looks legit to me.")

WELL IT'S ONLY $2,200

Designer purse roasted for resemblance to 'dog poop' waste bag

(Thanks to MOTW)

SEEMS REASONABLE

The Pentagon wants a new nuke because it might fire off the old ones by mistake

(Thanks to jensen in Oregon)

IN THEIR DEFENSE, THE DOG WAS FULLY CLOTHED

Naked couple walking dog are arrested in Hopkinton

(Thanks to Allen at Division and pharmaross)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Humanity likely faces rapid ‘catastrophic collapse,’ study warns

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

BUSINESS IS DOWN

Nevada brothels consider reopening plans

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "They must have very well endowed clientele in order to maintain 6-feet of social distancing.")

WEDNESDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

There's an old country saying: You can't feed grits to a dead turkey. How true those words are today.

TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

‘Scrotum frog’ is essential to Lake Titicaca region and must be saved, experts say

(Thanks to Joshua Lutes, who says "everything falls apart without them.")

TERRORISM UPDATE

Gas leak from horse semen container sparks hazmat alert at Havant delivery centre

(Thanks to Chris Partridge and pharmaross)

GOD HELP US IF IT MATES WITH THE ANCIENT MICROBES

Researchers Find Supergiant 'Sea Cockroach' With 14 Legs

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG AND DESTROY HUMANITY?

Deep sea microbes that laid dormant for 100 MILLION years are ‘revived’ in a lab after being fed certain minerals

(Thanks to many people)

AS THE OLD JOKE GOES: WE’D TAKE HER TO A PSYCHIATRIST, BUT WE NEED THE EGGS

Case of Belgian woman who thought she was a chicken linked to depression

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY’VE BEEN LEGAL IN FLORIDA FOR DECADES

New Hampshire Opens its Roads to Flying Cars

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

DON’T LAUGH: IT COULD KILL A STUFFED PET

Police respond to report of 'apex predator' prowling around park, discover it’s stuffed toy panther

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

IT’S TUESDAY NIGHT

But we don’t want any comments. NO COMMENTS. Don’t make us turn this blog around.

ALWAYS CARRY ONE

Woman used bra to try to restrain victim during thwarted burglary attempt

(Thanks to Allen at Division and John Lobert)

OBVIOUSLY IT WAS THE DOG

No One Is Owning Up to Releasing Cloud of Methane in Florida

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IN HIS DEFENSE, IT WAS A FRAGRANT CANDLE

Florida man driving with candle sets car on fire

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU MAY RETURN TO YOUR CAVE

Naked man tells Charlotte County deputies he’s Batman

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE WILL NEED TO FILE LEGAL BRIEFS

A jobless 46-year-old man has complained to Bhopal police that a tailor stitched his underwear too short and he deserves justice.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE AUSTRALIAN CONSTITUTION

Emus banned from pub in outback Australia town

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Janice Gelb)

THE REST HE WASTED

A Florida man allegedly scammed nearly $4 million from the US government’s coronavirus relief loan program — and used some of the cash on a brand-new Lamborghini and other luxury items, authorities said Monday.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Asher Scheiner)

ON GRASSY KEY

Couple reports finding $814,000 in cocaine washing ashore

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHERE ORANGE COUNTY IS LOCATED

Car crashes all the way into bedroom of Orange County home

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MONDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

These comments aren't going to write themselves, people.

PAGING SCOTT ESTES

I was going through my mail backlog, which dates back to roughly the dawn of time, and I came across a photo from a person named Scott Estes. The photo is of him and me at a booksigning; he asked me to sign it and send it back in a postage-paid envelope. Problem is, the postage-paid envelope has no address on it, and the original envelope from him is long gone. So I don't know where to send this photo. So Scott, if you're out there, please email me your postal address or put it in the comments. Thanks.

Now I need to get started on my 1973 tax return.

Update: It turns out that Judi had Scott's address. So she will not be fired today.

YIKES

Seriously, yikes.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

IT'S AN EPIDEMIC

Doctors Remove A Blue Tilapia From a Chinese Man's Rectum After He 'Accidentally Sat On It'

Ambulance viewers stunned after man calls 999 to report ‘cucumber stuck up his bottom’

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANWHILE AT A MOBILE HOME PARK IN FLORIDA

...the younger DiRienzo reportedly told police that she and her father “were involved in an argument...due to him sharing his medical marijuana with his friends but not her.” 

(Thanks to Andrew McIntyre)

SO *THAT'S* WHERE IT IS

Infamous Tiger King star Joe Exotic’s penis pump is to be among the odd items on display at a new museum linked to the hit Netflix docu-series.

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "The Smithsonian missed out big time.")

NOOOOOOOOO

Beer spills everywhere after semi overturns on I-55 in Festus

(Thanks to pharmaross)

How did we not know there was a place called "Festus?"

ALSO, WE ASSUME, FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Safari park baboons are seen armed with knives, screwdrivers and even a chainsaw

(Thanks to Roberto and Allen at Division)

WE ARE DETECTING A GROUNDSWELL HERE

I have always appreciated Dave’s writings since he was a kid writing on his mama’s living room walls.
He still reflects the views of America more clearly than Americans!
I hereby nominate Dave for president of the U S of America.
You ain’t alive if you don’t vote for Dave.
Respectfully,
elizabeth conboy

ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT

...and we aint got no comments.

AS ONE DOES

A woman told St. Lucie County sheriff’s deputies she forgot about a drug pipe that an X-ray apparently determined was in her anus, an affidavit states.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AS RECOMMENDED BY LEGAL EXPERTS

Florida man tries to evade arrest by cartwheeling away from cops

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Andrew MacIntyre)

TENSION MOUNTS IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:56 p.m. Someone was mowing the lawn.

(Thanks to Roberto)

FLORIDA WOMAN

...she's not like other women.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FRIDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Please keep your comments six feet apart.