Dave Barry's Blog

TUESDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

We'll keep these threads going for a while, because some people seem to like them. We were getting tired of coming up with themes,  because that was starting to feel like work, and we are morally opposed to work. So unless a theme randomly occurs to us, we'll just have open threads. At least for a while. Or not. That is our commitment to you.  

AND IN GOLF

"Did somebody step on a duck?"

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ONE OF THE GREATS

R.I.P., Carl Reiner.

JOIN THE CLUB, CICADAS

Invading Cicadas May Turn Into Sex-Crazed Zombies This Summer

(Thanks to Ralph)

O THE HUMANITY

Unsold Guinness beer used to fertilize Christmas trees during the lockdown

(Thanks to Maryann)

BECAUSE IT *WAS* AN EMERGENCY

Fisherman steals a King Salmon fire truck, drives to bar with emergency lights on

(Thanks to Jane Linderman, John Lobert, Mark Buckley, Stever and Roberto)

BETTER THAT THAN INSIDE

People are defecating outside the Queen's vacation home

(Thanks to Doug Shedd, Unholy Slacker and The Perts)

'FORMER PERSONAL TRAINER'

The mystery of the San Fernando Valley orgasm whisperer

(Thanks to Roberto)

YIKES

Photos of ‘human-sized’ bat from Philippines blow up the Internet

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

'A SAD DAY FOR AMERICA'

People React To Chuck E. Cheese Parent Company Filing For Bankruptcy

MONDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Post ‘em if you got ‘em.

We’re thinking about discontinuing the open threads. Does anybody feel strongly about this?

BECAUSE GUYS CREATED THEM

Why So Many Medieval Manuscripts Depict Butt Trumpets?

(Thanks to Godot51 and John Lobert)

DIDN'T SPRINGSTEEN RECORD 'EMU ON THE LAM?'

Brimfield officers capture emu on the lam, wrap it into bird ‘burrito’

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THEY ALSO OF COURSE GAVE IT A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Scientists discover spider wearing 'Joker' makeup, name it after Joaquin Phoenix

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT THEY'RE A GREAT OPENING ACT

Yawning Hamsters Look Terrifying

(Thanks to John Lobert)

HE TOTALLY HAS OUR VOTE

Tokyo gubernatorial candidate strips naked in televised campaign speech

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Asher Scheiner)

HELLO ROTO-ROOTER?

Decomposed leopard carcass found in Agra school toilet

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

AS THIS BLOG HAS BEEN SAYING FOR DECADES

From Ketchup to Pineapples: The Food That Should Never Be Kept in a Fridge

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

GET THEM OUT OF CIVILIAN HANDS

Man charged after throwing doughnuts at officer

(Thanks to Ralph)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

UK sewage plants fear deluge of stale beer

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:05 p.m. The golfer on the sixth green at a local course turned out to be a black bear.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

'THE MAN ASKED THE FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR HOW HE COULD FLY A PLANE'

Florida man carrying nearly 500 grams of weed tries to steal plane to meet girlfriend

(Thanks to Andrew MacIntyre)

SATURDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Our theme tonight is: Things people say that don't seem to actually mean anything.

Consider, for example, the phrase "that being said." We have never understood the point of saying it. Of COURSE whatever you just said has been said. Why do you need to SAY it has been said? That being said, maybe you have some other examples.

‘A LARGE FISH GOING ABOUT ITS DAILY BUSINESS STARTLED THE INDIVIDUAL’

A violent male who entered the water at Thorness earlier this morning (Friday) was eventually detained by Police after he was scared out of the sea by a large fish.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOME OF OUR READERS WILL BE DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED BY THE ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPH

Topless hero Jessica saves family from drowning in Cornwall

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, James Flynn [“We love our first responders”] and Mike)

ONLY ONE ANIMAL CAN COMPETE WITH SQUIRRELS FOR THE TITLE OF MOST DEPRAVED

Raccoons.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FIRST THEY BEAT US INTO SPACE, AND NOW THIS

Russians replace rear wheels on car with metal legs

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AS TAXPAYERS, WE ARE HAPPY TO OBLIGE

Florida woman calls 911 demanding a ‘taxpayer-sponsored’ ride, gets driven to jail

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says “So win-win, then.”)

FRIDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

The floor is open.

CLEARLY LEGIT

Photos of UFO hovering over forest 'best flying saucer sleuth has seen in 40 years'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

HOW EXACTLY DOES BRAZIL GET CREDIT FOR THIS?

Brazil sets record with 435-mile long lightning bolt

(Thanks to Steve K.)

More detail here.

LET'S ALL CHIP IN

Sex addict sues Amazon-owned video platform Twitch for $25million because it has 'too many scantily clad gamers' that left him excited and he 'injured himself'

(Thanks to Roberto)

'FIREFIGHTERS... TOLD US THEY DIDN'T HAVE SNAKE DETECTORS'

Python escapes apartment in French city of Rennes

You can imagine the alert level.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MAYBE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A VIKINGS FAN

According to witnesses and a police report, the woman performed a spiritual ritual on a dead opossum in the road, then pulled out a Green Bay Packers lawn chair from her vehicle and urged the animal to “repent."

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW E.I.D.B. OPEN FOR CREAM

Utah encouraging people to hunt 'enormous, invasive, delicious' bullfrogs

(Thanks to Ralph)

FANCY YOURSELF A GOOD BICYCLIST?

Perhaps you'd like to try this trail.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

KINKY

YouTube views of sourdough videos jumped 400% in coronavirus lockdown

(Thanks to Dave Stuff)

APPARENTLY IT'S WORKING

Women On Instagram Have Started Sticking Glitter Into Their Armpit Hair For Attention

(Thanks to John Lobert)

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY OF?

Barges.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

THURSDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Tonight's theme is offbeat heroes. We are using "offbeat" in the sense of "insane." A good example is Larry Walters, an aviation pioneer. As he said, quote, "A man can't just sit around." 

BUT THOSE WERE 20 FUN MINUTES

Lamborghini Huracan Spyder totaled 20 minutes after leaving showroom

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says "Mom...can I have another $250,000 please?")

SO *THAT'S* HOW YOU MEASURE IT

NASA Calls For Space Toilet That Can Handle “500g of Diarrhea”

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says "One giant dump for mankind.")

GUYS IN NAUTICAL ACTION

A boater at Indiana's Cedar Lake accidentally hit the home run of bad days, partially sinking a pricey Parvati wakeboat, then sinking a customized Wrangler when he tried to save the Parvati, then sinking a Ford F-150 Raptor when he tried to save the Jeep and the boat.

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

This blog used to have a boat. Now this blog has friends who have boats. It's much better.

AS IF THE VIRUS WASN'T ENOUGH

Blood-sucking ‘vampire fish’ now spawning in Vermont’s coastal rivers, state says

(Thanks to John W.)

THESE KIDS TODAY

A Hillsborough woman is suing her neighbor for a goat paternity test

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert and Doug Ogg)

WE WONDER HOW OSHA WOULD VIEW THIS

Guys turn non-dump-truck into dump truck.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEN: IF YOU NEVER LISTENED TO US BEFORE WHEN WE TOLD YOU NOT TO CLICK ON A LINK...

...listen to us now.

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Bill Hudgins)

WEDNESDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Have we already done books we're reading? We can't remember. We're OLD. So whether or not we've already done it, tonight's theme is: books we're reading. This blog and this blog's son are both reading The Last Trial, a legal thriller by our friend and bandmate Scott Turow. We're almost done and loving it. What are you folks reading? We hope not just this blog. This nation is in enough trouble as it is.

MEANWHILE IN LOPBURI, THAILAND

Thai vets perform mass sterilization as hungry monkeys terrorize tourist city

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

DIDN'T THEY OPEN FOR PHISH?

Hitchhiking marmots threaten native Island species

(Thanks to Ann)