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May 20, 2020


The topic tonight is: How much weight have you gained during the Great Lockdown?

A. A lot.

B. A whole lot.

C. On day 27, the bathroom scale scuttled out of the house; it has not returned.

D. I have not gained any weight! Also I am a liar. 


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Oh, I'm carrying a *Two words*.

D. Ladies and gentleman, think about Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense.

Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: "What does this have to do with gaining weight?" Nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with gaining weight! It does not make sense! Look at me, I'm accused of having gained weight, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! I am NOT guilty of gaining any weight. The defense rests.

What lockdown? Oh, come on don't be offended this picture was taken mid-march. You should see me now. And it is not funny.

I did well until a couple of weeks ago when I realized it had been 10 years since I saw the first season of Game of Thrones. Hey, I'll just re-watch the first season for laughs, right? I won't be compelled to watch it jerk to its awkward ending, right? 80-ish hours of beheadings, boobs, and wine later..... It wouldn't have been so bad if not for the rule that you have to drink through any episode Tyrion appears in.

Can I make the picture any clearer.

My new driver's license photo
Makes me look like Quasimodo
And all my clothes are styled for me
By Minnesota Fats

The diet drink I live on
Soon may take the place of Decon
Heard it killed 8-million Laboratory rats

Every night I dream of Ding Dongs
That are big enough for King Kong
And someday I may just be that big myself

Stepped on the scales, put in a dime
Card came out, said "One at a time"
I tell ya friends, I really need some help

'Cause I'm fat
I feel so fat
The bottoms of my feet
Are the only parts of me that's flat
In a society where thin is in
And lean is where it's at
Oh, hoo, hoo ooh... why do I have to be so fat?

Yesterday, or maybe Sunday I've forgotten what day this is, again.

"What are you going to eat tonight, I have some leftovers?"

"A couple of chickens, Sirloin, chocolate pudding, Tostidos and a jar of dip, a couple of bannanas, applesauce, probably a microwave burrito and a can of chilli with several packages of wheat crackers. Maybe some nuts. What about tomorrow, any idea?"

Mosst of this is sugar free, so I'm not concerned about weight gain.

I haven't gained any weight! I also lie a lot. If you're worried about how much you weigh just convert it into stones or kilograms! For instance a 150 lb. person only weighs 10 stone or 68 kilograms! When you look at it that way you probably need to put on a few more pounds, stones, or kilograms.

Just about every morning we have this exchange.

"I weighed *guess* this morning."

"Wow, I almost weigh as much as three of you."

"Yeah, I wish I had three of me, I'd get a lot more done."

Always. Frankly, I'm tired of hearing it. But I never say that. I always enjoy the conversation.

E. Enough that the magnetic north pole is trying to compensate. (yes) F. more like the Great Chowdown (yes) G. Aren't you gonna finish that & can I have it? (yes) H. Thank the lord we"re gonna make it to Memorial Day & the official start of BBQ season, so there's that. And by the way my scale is set on ECT, so it only reads in meters, aka I have absolutely no idea but I wouldn't trust it because it has lied to me often in the past so last time I was in a store I tried one of those new fandangled digital ones and the screen said "please step out of your vehicle"


On most planets I'm doing fine, though we're not talking about heavenly bodies here...

I have not gained a single pound since week three of lockdown. It's possible that is because the bathroom scale committed suicide at the end of week two, but I doubt that is the case.
Bears and many forward thinking mammals know to store up body fat to enable them to survive hard times. Well, THIS is an example of hard times!
And, as I tell my wife repeatedly, Amazon has all bathroom scales on back order.

H. Get off my lawn!

My scale tried to scuttle. Unfortunately, it didn't make it.

I refuse to step on the scale. That may change if I crack anymore bathroom tiles when I step on them.

I’ve lost weight, but it could be due to my diet of toilet paper. While it does provide fiber, the calorie content is low, and after several weeks of this diet, I really have no appetite for it.

We have one of the kids back with us, and along with the kid, a dog. For the first six weeks I walked that dog in the morning and at night. My iPhone tells me that's between 3 and 4 miles a day.

The bathroom scale is a damn liar.

The rather large but famous actor, Victor Buono, saw this lockdown diet coming.

"I think I shall never see...my feet."

A Fat Man's Prayer (abridged)
by Victor Buono

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot
Incited by a wicked diet
We are what we eat, said a wise old man
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can
Cake is cursed and cream is awful
Satan is hiding in every waffle
I want to rise on Judgement Day, that's plain
But at my present weight, I'll need a crane

"It could be verse.."

the lockdown, yea that's it, that's why I gained weight. The lockdown.

Besides gaining weight people are getting Corona themed tattoos, including toilet paper (link on Drudge site). Two wrongs do not make right, so I just stay fat, but tattoo free.

Thank goodness for sweat pants otherwise I wouldn't have any pants that fit.

I didn't realize my scale came with a laugh track.

I have lost about ten pounds, like Steve, I’ve been walking the dog about 2-3 miles/day. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful...”

Hate me for myriad other reasons, like the fact that I whistle along with every song on my Pandora station, using the only note I can hit. My family loves that.

"I'm a deep-fried, double-wide version of the man I was before,
I don't look good naked any more."


I've also lost ten pounds, but I seem to gain and lose seasonally, and I'm still about 60 pounds overweight, so it doesn't help much. My non-24 hour sleep disorder badly screws up my metabolism. The lockdown has little effect on that.

“You know you’re getting fat when your socks don’t fit.” Zach Galifianakis.

Much like Shrodinger's cat your weight is affected by the simple act of attempting to quantify it. So right now it could be up, it could be down, that little bi-metal spring has a co-effeicient of expansion, so really any measurement is only an estimation at best. That is why on a quantum level it's really best not to let that cat out of the bag, as a simple look at recommended weight to height tables established by "big insurance" in order to to scam the public will simply reveal that most here on the blog appear to be much too short. So to all the scammers, the doubters, shamers, the schemers out there trying to put our wallets on a diet I say: "Ha, it's just physics man, deal with it!" Besides, when rotund individvidual fall down they have a tendency to roll safely dissipating all that kinetic energy safely where as so called fit people have a tendency to crash and shatter and when there's no bar-keep to restrict/monitor your in take those falling down tendencies tend to be on the up trend, is all I'm say'n.


https://twitter.com/OnlyInLVNV/status/1262335074516692992?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1262335074516692992%7Ctwgr%5E&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pennlive.com%2Fnews%2F2020%2F05%2Fcostco-employee-swipes-the-shopping-cart-of-maskless-shopper-who-woke-up-in-a-free-country.html Oh DAVE?!? ..just another link to this, so how many does that make now, & who was that masked man?

My recliner still fits so I'm doing fine. Yes. Fine. Thanks for asking.

I gained the COVID 19.

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