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May 30, 2020


The $@!*&# squirrels are driving me crazy in my coronavirus quarantine

I couldn’t sit there all day, of course, guarding the tree. That would be crazy. I could only do this for roughly 14 hours a day.

(Thanks to Ralph)


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Less time off for lunch and breaks, of course.

Next time you need to go 'full-Spackler' on their tiny little arses. Some speculate 'round II' starts 10/19/20 so "he who lives to fight another day" may still apply here.

A former neighbor in a city that will remain unnamed with a beautiful garden and many specimen plants used to live trap the furry-tailed rats, give them swimming lessons in a nearby canal (still in the trap), then freeze the resulting corpses until the next trash day. It did not seem to reduce the squirrel population much, but it made him feel better.

Squirrels are persistent and destructive, but nothing compared to their tiny rodentia cousin, the chipmunk. Chipmunks will undermine your house, eat the wiring in your car, and boy, are they fast.

Unfortunately, they are cute little buggers, not unlike Chip and Dale, or Alvin.

As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since!

.. first think you need to know is you need to call 'Ol 'cousin Jed, but given your luck with squirrels he'd just strike oil again & then you'd have to move, so probably not worth it.


I keep saying the answer to the squirrel problem is exploding peanuts, but does anyone listen?

I bet they would were it a rock band.

A guy who works for me got so fed up with them that he bought a youth .22 rifle. It's so quiet that the neighbors don't realize it's not a simple BB or pellet gun. And he's quite a sniper. Gets the little terrorists with head shots.

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