Dave Barry's Blog

MEMORIAL DAY

Have a good day. But also please remember (and tell your kids) why it's called Memorial Day. 

SUNDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Maybe tonight you commenters can tell us a little about yourselves. Even you lurkers. 

BECAUSE YOU NEED MORE THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT

CDC warns of 'unusual or aggressive rodent behavior' in search for new food sources

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Le Petomane)

WE WILL NEVER FORGET WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE GOT THE NEWS

Alligator rumored to have been Hitler’s dies in Moscow

(Thanks to Hayseed Tom)

AND IN SPORTS, DUDES

A marijuana plant spotted growing in Argentina stadium as matches stopped due to COVID-19

(Thanks to Ralph)

'I'VE GOT GUITARS, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO GRAB THE GOOD ONES'

A Melbourne man has used his bass guitar to fight off armed home intruders who knocked down his front door and demanded the keys to his Mercedes.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

NO

Just, no.

(Thanks to Captain McBragg)

QWERTYUIOP

asdfghjklzxcvbnm

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

Rhinestone jockstrap belonging to Elvis Presley on sale for almost £30,000

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

SOON TO BE PITCHING FOR THE ORIOLES

This is a short video of a trainee at China's Naval Aviation University failing to get his grenade over the hill and his instructor having to grab him and roll them both into a foxhole to avoid the explosion.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THINK YOU'RE SAFE FROM FLORIDA MOTORISTS WHEN YOU'RE SITTING POOLSIDE?

Think again.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'SEXY' IS NOT THE WORD THAT COMES TO OUR MIND

Sexy 'human cyborg' plans give mankind an upgrade as she shows off fibre optic glowing boobs

(Thanks to Ralph)

PAGING SAM I AM

Experts Puzzled by Green Yolk Eggs Laid by Chickens on Small Indian Farm

(Thanks to Ralph)

PRESUMABLY NOT ALL AT THE SAME TIME

New show Labour of Love sees 15 men compete to impregnate 41-year-old woman

(Thanks to Staticjoeage)

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT AS IT IS

The Texas Department of Public Safety is sharing a photo from firefighters with the Western Lakes Fire District in Wisconsin. It shows serious damage to the drivers side door of a car caused by “hand sanitizer igniting in a hot vehicle that reached 95 degrees Fahrenheit inside the vehicle.”

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FRIDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

"Take it away, commenters," said Tom themelessly.

DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE 'WORK'

This is why putting a swimming pool in the back of a pickup truck won't work

(Thanks to John Lobert, who notes that "alcohol may have been involved.")

Update From Nursecindy: "They actually sell these pools at Walmart.  I took this picture of one about a month ago.  I thought it would be a great way to pass the time at a long stoplight."

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Seagull flies into woman’s house and vomits on her kitchen counter

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY LOVE RERUNS OF HOOTENANNY

World's Largest Owl Hatches Giant Babies Outside Man's Window and Now They Watch TV With Him

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

Who remembers "Hootenanny?" By show of bedpans.

CATCHY

Porn site makes an offer on naming rights to Saints’ stadium: ‘Stripchat Superdome’

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IT'S NOT A 'STRANGE REASON.' IT'S FLORIDA.

For some strange reason, at least 4 men at a Tampa Home Depot got heated in the loading zone right outside the store Wednesday and began brawling ... using paint cans as weapons.

(Thanks to B'game)

THURSDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Q. What has 23 legs and green fur and plays the accordion?

A. We have no idea, but maybe the theme tonight could be riddles. 

HMMM

New Yorker promo:

(Thanks to Mr. Ridley Pearson)

WAIT 'TIL THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THE MURDER HORNETS

1.5 Million Cicadas Are Ready to Emerge After Nearly 20 Years Underground

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ATTENTION, ECOLOGY-MINDED INDIVIDUALS:

"Just to be clear: DO NOT RECYCLE CANNONBALLS FROM ANY WAR!"

(Thanks to Geoff)

WHICH IS WHY YOU RARELY SEE THEM IN BARS

Elephants Really Can’t Hold Their Liquor

(Thanks to Steve K.)

IMAGINE WHAT HE'D GET HER IF SHE... NEVER MIND

Man buys girlfriend congratulations cake after she finally farts in front of him

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Where do the British tabloids find all these people who seem utterly incapable of embarrassment?

WE'RE PRETTY SURE IT'S OURS

A family finds nearly $1 million in cash in the middle of the road. Police want to know how the money ended up there

(Thanks to David Emery, who says "Uh, this fell out of the back of my pickup....")

LEADERSHIP

Jaime Rolando Urbina Torres, mayor of a small town in Peru, jumped into an open casket and pretended to be dead when police arrived to arrest him for breaking curfew

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and ChrisinVa, who says "Send this mayor to Washington!")

GENEROUS OFFER

While in custody, he offered a police officer a box of chicken, 3 kilograms of corned beef, and three plastic bags of sweet potatoes for his release.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

In landslide vote, citizens of Baker City elect to sell a 1995 backhoe

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S CLOSED DURING QUARANTINE, BUT FOR WHEN IT REOPENS:

Here's a map of the Moon.

(Thanks to John Criswell)

DINNER IS SERVED

Semi dumps 40K pounds of mac and cheese on Nashville interstate

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

WE KNOW WHERE IT WAS HEADED (GET IT? 'HEADED?')

Porta-Potty Cruising Down The Street

(Thanks to John Lobert)

SUAVE

Daniel Varey intended to order a gin glass with the inscription “Happy 30th birthday princess, love you millions,” South West News Service (SWNS) reports. Instead, the glass arrived with the message, “Can we have it delivered before Monday if possible as that’s her 30th. Nice one.”

(Thanks to John Lobert and Maryann)

WEDNESDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

The topic tonight is: How much weight have you gained during the Great Lockdown?

A. A lot.

B. A whole lot.

C. On day 27, the bathroom scale scuttled out of the house; it has not returned.

D. I have not gained any weight! Also I am a liar. 

PRICE CHECK ON REGISTER THREE

Police are investigating reports of indecent exposure at a Tesco in Cleethorpes after a video showed a man dancing in only his pants and trying to scan his backside on a checkout.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

House For Sale With Preexisting Medieval Castle Decor, Space Ship, Beach Tent Bedroom With Sand

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT'S THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION

Man claims to have found entrance to 'underground alien base' on Google Earth

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

A nurse on an all-male coronavirus ward in Russia has been disciplined for only wearing 'lingerie' beneath her transparent protective gown.

(Thanks to Michael Moyer and Le Petomane)

SO LEGALLY IT CAN SERVE IN CONGRESS

Scientists Made a Mouse That's 4 Percent Human

(Thanks to Suzie Q "Not Nursecindy" Wacvet)

CSI: NEW ZEALAND

Police were forced to intervene after a woman held an associate's sheep for "ram-som".

(Thanks to Ralph)

TIRED OF ZOOM?

Here's another option.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS IS PRECISELY WHY WE HAVE THE DEATH PENALTY

A pizza lover discovered that the local pizzeria she thought she'd ordered from was actually Chuck E. Cheese

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "She smelled a rat.")

TUESDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

It has been raining for several days here in Miami. The forecast is that it will continue raining until — this is a verbatim quote from the National Weather Service — “the end of time.” So don’t look to us for a theme, unless you want the theme to be “rain.”

NOPE

Inventors Develop Mask to Let You Eat and Stay Safe

(Thanks to Roberto)

WAIT A MINUTE...

(Thanks to Jeff Brown, who says "Umm...wasn't this supposed to be a nasal swab?")

NOT AGAIN

Another instance of feces falling from the sky in Kelowna

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Heartbroken woman takes revenge on her cheating ex-boyfriend by sending him A TONNE of onions to 'make him cry as much as I did'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Ankle monitor among items reported stolen

(Thanks to Le Petomane)