Dave Barry's Blog

SUNDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Tonight let's focus on positive, happy things. Here's one: As of tonight, nobody we know has been attacked by murder hornets. Feel free to add to the list. 

SEEMS... AWKWARD

SpaceX's Crew Dragon toilet is on the ceiling of the spaceship — and no one wants to talk about it

AND YOU THOUGHT 2020 WAS NOTHING BUT BAD NEWS

Necco Wafers are about to make a comeback.

(Thanks to The Perts)

OK, THEN WE'LL REPLACE MICROSOFT WITH APPLE

Microsoft 'to replace journalists with robots'

(Thanks to The Perts)

OKLAHOMA UPDATE

Unfortunately, this blog's strict policy against making fun of names prohibits us from bringing you the Oklahoma update.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SATURDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

The floor is yours, commenters. Also the walls and the ceiling.

Please do not take the light fixtures.

FROM OUR RAT PACK DAYS

Dave,

Blame the pandemic, but I just started watching the 1970s TV show "Vegas" starring Robert Urich. Every time they show the Desert Inn marquis, it shows Wayne Newton as the headliner, but just below Wayne to the left, it lists "Dave Barry."

Obviously it's a different Dave Barry, but (a) I thought you'd enjoy seeing your name in lights (again) so I took a picture of the TV screen; and (b) you'd be happy knowing "you" were with Wayne Newton and NOT Barry Manilow!

Trent

FATHER'S DAY ALERT

If you want to buy a decommissioned nuclear reactor control panel, I’ve found one for you

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THIS IS THEIR MISSION

The $@!*&# squirrels are driving me crazy in my coronavirus quarantine

I couldn’t sit there all day, of course, guarding the tree. That would be crazy. I could only do this for roughly 14 hours a day.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BOTH SHE AND THE DEER WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

A Jackson County Department of Transportation truck was heavily damaged a week ago when a naked woman broke into a Napoleon Township lot, stole the truck and hit a deer with it, police said.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE AWAIT THE IPO

Drug dealers turn corporate by selling customer databases for more than $180,000

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

FRIDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

 When you're reading something -- an email, a comment, a Facebook post, a Tweet -- and you discover that the author doesn't know the difference between, for example, "it's" and "its," or "you're" and "your," does it affect your opinion of the author's message?

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER NET

There's a moose in the pool.

(Thanks to wiredog)

WE SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT THE SQUIRRELS (YOU KNOW THEY'RE BEHIND THIS) PLAN TO DO WITH IT

A troop of monkeys in India attacked a medical official and snatched away blood samples of patients who had tested positive for the novel coronavirus, authorities said on Friday.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

AMEN, DUDES

'Cannabis burned during worship' by ancient Israelites - study

(Thanks to Howard from Broward)

PEOPLE GET READY

Huge post-coronavirus orgy planned to end ‘longest dry spell in all of history’

(Thanks to Roberto)

ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT HOUSE

They had been hired to carry out a client's fantasy of being tied up in his underwear and stroked with a broom.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Roberto, Le Petomane, Jeff Meyerson, Rod Nunley, Janice Gelb and Dog Ogg)

INCREDIBLY, THIS IS NOT A FLORIDA MOTORIST

Palma exited the truck holding a cordless blower motor, which was packed with glitter. When she started the blower, a cloud of glitter showered down on officers and cars driving south on the highway, police said.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS IS WHY THEY ALWAYS HAVE SOME ON HAND

Florida Police Use Krispy Kreme To Lure Black Bear Off City Streets

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says "works on me too.")

THURSDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Dave - I think "What's the strangest thing you've ever witnessed, in person?" is an interesting thread topic, n'est pas?

By the way, AutoCorrect wanted to change "n'est pas" to "messy pad". Not sure what that's implying. I'm no Felix Unger, but...

Take care, Dave,

-Kent, aka, "Stixnstonz"

We can think of many candidates, but certainly a strong one was watching the mayor of Grand Forks, N.D., dedicate a sewage lifting station (Number 16) in our honor.

A LEGIT CAUSE FOR CONCERN

Nude man arrested, told police ‘he was afraid worms were coming from his genitals’

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THEY LOOK AS INVITING AS THEY SOUND

French restaurant tests clear plastic domes that hang over each individual diner

(Thanks to Maryann)

EVERY CAR IN FLORIDA ALREADY DOES THIS

Ford unveils technology that ROASTS the inside of police vehicles at 133 degrees Fahrenheit in an effort to kill coronavirus concentrations

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE MATCHES TO A ZOMBIE

Scientists warn of 'zombie fires' in the Arctic

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, PLEASE ENJOY YOUR MEAL

Man says he broke into San Diego Wells Fargo bank to heat up his Hot Pockets

(Thanks to Ralph)

WEDNESDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

The theme tonight is: state capitals.

What, you have a better theme?

SO TRUE

Unexplained Phenomena Keep Suggesting the Universe Isn’t What We Thought

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR CAT STEVENS

Herd Of Fuzzy Green 'Glacier Mice' Baffles Scientists

(Thanks to wiredog)

ALWAYS READY TO LEND A HAND, THOSE LOCALS

Massive beer truck crash attracts locals to help with ‘cleanup’ efforts

(Thanks to Ralph)

GOOD, BECAUSE THE ONES WE HAVE NOW AREN'T GETTING THE JOB DONE

GE Research team developing giant robotic earthworm

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

SO FAR IT REFUSES TO TALK

India detains pigeon on suspicion of spying for Pakistan

(Thanks to Barry Nester and Ralph)

WE AWAIT GUIDANCE FROM DRs. FAUCI AND BIRX

Sex workers offer to limit customers to two positions which 'minimise the risk of transmitting coronavirus' to enable brothels to end lockdown in Switzerland

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, Barry Nester, Mark Schlesinger and Allen at Division)

SOMETIMES WE CAN'T TELL WHETHER A PRESS RELEASE IS REAL OR A PARODY

‘STORMY DANIELS: SPACE FORCE’ NEW COMIC BOOK SERIES AND ANIMATED SHOW IN DEVELOPMENT

TidalWave Productions has also struck a deal to pen a fictional series starring Stormy Daniels.

This fall, TidalWave will develop a fiction comic book series with Daniels called “Stormy Daniels: Space Force.” Captain Stormy Daniels commands the Helix, a starship serving the United Republic of Earth and its leader, “very stable genius” OrDon. Daniels and her crew – capitalists at heart – are for hire. It is Barbarella-meets-Star Trek-meets-Stripperalla in a racy comedy, action and adventure series starring Daniels.

Created by Stormy Daniels and Darren G. Davis featuring art by Pablo Martinena. The comic book series is written by Michael Frizell and ‘Amazing Race’ alumni, Andrew Shayde. Special covers by famed comic artist Bill Walko and Agung Prabowo.

“I have joined forces with to create this comic and TidalWave has been so generous with allowing my input”, said Daniels “ I could not be happier with the outcome. Bonus is I get to add badass comic book character to my resume.”

“We are excited to be teaming up for this far out adventure with Stormy”, said TidalWave publisher Darren G. Davis. “We have not just created a fun comic book but a brand that will include action figures and an animated series”.

TUESDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Our theme tonight is the Smoot-Hawley Tariff. We know you have strong feelings. Don't hold them in.

GUYS IN ACTION

Drunken man passed out on raft drifts 7 miles down Indiana river before being rescued near dam

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to John Lobert and DaninDallas)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Turtle smashes through Savannah driver’s windshield on Truman Parkway

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WELL IN *THAT* CASE....

Hospital angrily denies snake discovered in operating theatre, insisting there was only a monkey

(Thanks to Ralph)

APPARENTLY THEY WERE UNAWARE THAT IT NEEDS TO BE RADIOACTIVE

Three young Bolivian brothers were hospitalized after getting a black widow spider to bite them — thinking it would turn them into Spider-Man, according to officials.

(Thanks to Barry Nester and Ralph)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

DUI driver crashes into liquid manure pond near Elk Grove

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and Geoff)

CHECK THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD

Dozens of chickens stolen from Feisty Acres Farm in Southold, police say

(Thanks to Monique)

MONDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Tonight's theme is... (spins random theme generator)...  places you want to go once we can start going places again.

IT'S OK; THE WOLVES ARE WEARING MASKS

Bolivian Orchestra Stranded in ‘Haunted’ German Castle Surrounded by Wolves During Pandemic

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

HOW GUYS DO SOCIAL DISTANCING

Like this.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IF YOU VIOLATE THE GUIDELINES, IT DISMEMBERS YOU

Gatorland Orlando, which reopened to the public on Saturday, introduced a new mascot, “Social Distancing Skunk Ape,” to encourage guests to remain 6 feet away from each other.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

ONE DAY WE WILL TELL OUR GRANDSONS WHAT THEY MISSED

Toilet experts say urinals may be consigned to history as part of measures to make public conveniences safe for the post-coronavirus world.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

To be honest, we missed them a lot when they were still here.

FIREFIGHTERS' NIGHTMARE

Fire Breaks Out at Porta Potty Yard in San Jose

It's a Spree: This is the second porta potty fire in the South Bay in one week.

(Thanks to veee)

WE BET THEY GOT AS MUCH OUT OF IT AS WE USUALLY DO

Three penguins get private tour at art museum

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU HAVE TO PROVIDE YOUR OWN SPIT

A minor league baseball team’s stadium has been listed on Airbnb for $1,500 a night.

(Thanks to John Lobert and Asher Scheiner)

BRING ME A SHRUBBERY*

Queen Elizabeth once avoided a controversial palace guest by hiding in a bush, filmmaker says

(Thanks to Jonh Lobert)

*Reference.