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May 22, 2020


"Take it away, commenters," said Tom themelessly.


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Who the hell is Tom & how in the hell did he lose his "thenes", if that's what we're calling them now?

Perhaps this will help.

...Although I've seen this kind of thing happen before in lean times, (y'know social distancing and all), them squirrels'll turn on ya purty damn quick, cuz to the squirrels nutz is nutz, and it ain't no Tom-foolery!


How about a little Hemingway, said Tom earnestly.

Do NOT take it away - stay at home!!!!

"I love Dave Barry," Tom added fruitfully.

I tough it was Tom the melessly, and I didn't know what a melessly is.

Well, thanks for that Dave, (it WAS helpful) but may I say in my own defense, that I sure as hell ain't Tom,and in no way has anyone ever refered to me as "swift" in fact, usually, quite the opposite, but one thing I am purty sure of is that, that sin-tax is what prompted the eels to go all electric on our arses. So just be careful, we can never know what kind of repurcussuions this could all lead to.

"Judi should be fired for this," Tom said heatedly.

I could do this all night (but I won'). One of my favorite things as a kid. (Yes, I'm old--but not as old as Dave.)

"We'll have to start without Justice Bader-Ginsberg," said Chief Justice Roberts, ruthlessly.

Thanks again Dave, but "This quarantine-home-made peanut-butter is really quite smooth!" he said crunchilly,"It really sticks to the roof of your mouth though" said he with a vocal quality that sounded much like old roofing shingles flapping in a strong ocean breeze. 1 1

"I can't find one of my favorite board games," Tom said cluelessly.

Tom heralded Barry, saying, "You should work for a newspaper."

Kicking it back to Dave, he inquired, "What does your wife write about?"

Welcome back to our galaxy, Major Tom. We are all awaiting stories of your adventures in space. BTW---your chest and abdomen seem much larger. Let's hope it's nothing serious.

This may help:
He inquired thoughtfully.

"... sure I'm just spit-balling here, but still Dave, if you keep throwing these aimless, out-of-control nightly-theme curve balls in our direction, our only target, in terms of recourse, may be some sort of a strike!" he said in a pitch that sounded low & outside, in fact, nearly down-in-the-dirt wild in context.

Meanwhile in a bunker deep inside the NORAD defense complex in Colorado,General Tom (Tommy) Gunn is worriedly poring over incoming reports of some strange alien spaceships zig-zaging across our solar system and planting what appears to be survey beacons.

"Sir, Colonel Adams said. If I made a guess, I would venture those beacons are marking a sort of hyperspace bypass that seems to line up through Earth's orbit."

"We don't have any data to support that theory. But we have been able to decode some of their language and they call themselves,'Vogons.'"

"No matter, General Gunn, I'm sure they have nothing but peaceful intentions. Let's go to the club and discuss this over drinks."

"Why not? It's your turn to buy and there's really nothing to worry about at this time."

“I want my pool noodle back,” nursecindy said with a distant look in her eyes.

Star Trek:
Captain Kirk: "Hey Spock, what starts with W and ends with T?
Spock: "Yes, it does"

"I just lost another in Backgammon", Pip said.

I've lost my flower, said Tom. lackadaisically.

At Tom Thumb's wedding reception he unfortunately hacked off his thumb when cutting the wedding cake for his bride Lavinia Warren. "Take it away!" Tom said thumblessly. Confusion reigned as to whether he meant the detached thumb or the bloody cake slice, or both.

For some recent examples, try here:


Note that many of the above Swifties are not safe for work (NSFW)

Example: "Yeah, I grabbed her [CENSORED], Tom trumped.

"Marc's Link", said Lance.

(Geezer Bus tickets to anyone who remembers Lance Link, Secret Chimp.)

"Ein, zwei, drei, fünf," said Tom fearlessly.

“Really wish Oktoberfest hadn’t been shelved.” Dave mumbled to himself as he hopped aimlessly within his walled encampment.

Ralph - and a host of other bloggers - remember this open thread regarding pigeons bringing in elephants to poop in front of my entry door? Well, I managed to find a Bird-B-Gone spike strip and today I installed it. So, I am expecting no more pooping elephants perched atop my door.

Birds eye view of the Bird B Gone deployed.

I vote for pogo's.

Tom said, “I’m all thumbs!”

“Wish we were still watching’24’ together, but we’re Bauerless to do so,” said Steve jackedly.

Oldie but goodie: "It's clear I'm the only one capable of taking the prisoner downstairs!", said Tom condescendingly.

"I guess I'm going to have to sign up for a cardiac transplant", said Tom half-heartedly.

"Shucks! It tastes much better than I thought!" said Tom with a shit-eating grin.

"I'll try, but I don't think I have enough skill to shave myself with a belt sander", said Tom, self-effacingly.

"I used to be so down all the time, but now I keep seeing stars, Doc", said Tom, with a twinkle in his eye.

"So have you seen a doc, Tom?" asks his friend in a somewhat haughty all-seeing manner, "No, just stars" (RIMSHOT!!) Tom hum-drumingly replies. His friend responds with all the wonder contained in the known universe: "Well, it is a very clear night, here, away from all those city lights. It makes one see all of life's little problems as just some sort of ephemeral milky way we all need to stumble down" he said wistfully, but with yet a meteoric tone.

" I'm completely out of breath, " exclaimed Yogi Berra-ly.

"These little, brown, round, smart-pills taste a lot like rabbit poo!" he smartly exclaimed.

Since Dave started these nightly threads he's posting later and later in the day, Cindy thought wordlessly.

"...And since I think wordlessly my brain uses some kind of a weird pattern recognition system to codify what passes for my own sense of reality" she mused symbolically.

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