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May 01, 2020

FRIDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Today the Wall Street Journal published this blog's advice to the Class of 2020. (Apparently some people can't see it because of the paywall, so we will summarize what it says: Nothing important.) What would you tell the new graduates?

BUT THEY HAVE HAND SANITIZER!

Cops raid strip club that tried to open as ‘restaurant with entertainment’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'NOT MUCH. HOW ABOUT YOU?'

A Japanese aquarium closed during the coronavirus outbreak is asking people to make video calls to their eels

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "All they need is a Tinder membership.")

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Zicuis then “threw a candy cane at the victim’s left arm, causing bruising and swelling to his elbow,” reported a Clearwater cop who listed “CANDY” as the weapon wielded by Zicuis.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF HEADLINES THAT WOULD HAVE MADE ZERO SENSE FOUR MONTHS AGO

Drivers grabbing face masks from road cause highway traffic jam

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOME WORDS OF ADVICE TO THE CLASS OF 2020

We're not saying it's GOOD advice.

LET'S PLAY 'HOW HIGH DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO...'

David Pangallo, 34, was at a drive-thru bank in Jefferson County on Friday when he attempted to deposit cash through a tube, according to the sheriff’s department. Included with the cash was allegedly two bags of cocaine.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR STING

Drunk monkey dies in Sattahip car accident near Pattaya

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE SECRET: PIZZA

A team of University of Florida herpetologists came across the lizard while tracking down reptile samples in Florida's Cocoa Beach. Their recent analysis of her revealed something strange: Buried inside the lizard was an unusually large fecal bolus, colloquially known as a ball of poop. By the time the researchers found the lizard, the bolus had grown to account for 80 PERCENT of the lizard's entire body mass. It's the largest bolus, relative to body size, EVER DISCOVERED in a living animal.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOUR 'SIX FEET' JOKE HERE

Condom sales go limp as coronavirus keeps hookups on lockdown

(Thanks to John Criswell)

 
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