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April 05, 2020


There will be a new column posted tomorrow. It will involve a famous celebrity. See if you can guess who it is, from the following choices:

  • Bill Gates
  • Oprah Winfrey
  • Ringo Starr
  • Charmin spokesperson Mr. Whipple

While you're pondering this, feel free to post comments in the comments section, which has been thoroughly sanitized for your protection. Which reminds us: Do you geezers remember when you used to check into a motel, and there would be a band of paper across the toilet seat that said SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION? And you used to wonder if they really sanitized the toilet seat, or just put the paper strip on it? Or maybe they were telling you that the paper strip itself was sanitized? Do you think any guests were so drunk when they arrived that they went to the bathroom on the strip? That probably happened, right? There are a LOT of unanswered questions, if you ask this blog. Somebody should form a task force.


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'Sanitized for your protection' turned into a headband in David Macaulay's brilliant "Motel of the Mysteries" There's a summary here: http://www.bookrags.com/studyguide-motel-of-the-mysteries/

And a picture here of items from the exhibit gift shop: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7-UVEUpnQKQ/TWJmucuhw5I/AAAAAAAAFQY/ehYCpgUkHrs/s400/a

I for one am very much looking forward to reading the column. Last minute revision suggestion. Make mention that the New England Journal of Medicine has reported 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

I'm going with Al Kooper, the music director of "The Rock Bottom Remainders" who had the good judgement to tell them not to play some songs. (And, no, he is not Alice Cooper, although he, too, would have probably advised against those songs.)

The first name of the actor who portrayed Mr. Whipple was Dick. ISIANMTU

I remember the paper toilet band, along with the inevitable shag carpeting in the rooms.

Mr. Whipple is in a very good position to DEMAND (never mind saying "please") that you not squeeze the Charmin if you ever want to see any more of it in your natural lifetime.

Anyway... my cashback credit card gives extra bonus points for purchases in certain categories. The bonus categories change each calendar quarter. I just looked and one of this quarter's bonus categories is... fitness centers and gym memberships. Um, okay. I guess they're too busy counting their banking bailout money to pay attention to any other reality.

I saw Sanitized For Your Protection open for Herman's Hermits

I suspect that "sanitized" meant "Quickly swished Comet around with a toilet brush, which we used on all the other toilets."

I'm voting for Mr. Whipple even though the actor that played him, Dick Wilson, has been dead since 2007. I've never seen Dave get tripped up by minor trivialities like that in the past.

So if Opray donates an additional $10 million to Bill Gates would this minor obstruction render Bill and his staff of Nerds frustrated and helpless in their effort to develop a vaccine before Windows before 16?

I vote Mr. Whipple.
Things are looking up here, still sheltering place but today's grocery order included CHEERIOS!

I stayed at the Holiday Inn in Boca Raton on a couple of occasions. This guy showed showed up both times and sanitized the toilet. A baby alligator carrying a gun in possession of LOTS of drugs was arrested near the hotel's pond where a bunch of naked individuals had gathered to swim. LSD may have been involved.

pogo - I'd like to point out. It could have been worse.

pogo - the picture of you I have in my mind after staying in that place you described reminds me to say to you, "keep in mind the social distance rules and get the Ef away from me."

I remember that band. It was horrible trying to pee around it.

@coscolo, I am developing a new in-home addiction to Raisin Bran (the original, not the new crunchy abomination).

@wanderer2575 - That sounds like a dangerous addiction in these difficult times. Some questionable publication has reported that doctors are recommending Americans consume less fiber.

(Okay, it’s just toilet paper delivery folks who are advocating less fiber. Exaggeration is good for the home-bound soul.)

I'm going with Bill Gates. He's a smart dude and he can afford a pot along with a Window to throw it out of.

I woke up this morning and went to my desk, sat down and sipped my coffee, then noticed this guy on my online office camera. After a review of recordings, He had apparently spent the night next door. When I called police dispatch to report the guy was trespassing, I was asked the usual by the dispatcher, "do you see any guns, knives, etc? Does He appear to be under the influence? How tall, weight, what is He wearing, etc." But this morning it was different. The dispatcher then asked me, "Does He appear to be coughing or sneezing or showing any signs of having COVID-19?"

I said something like, "I don't see him coughing or sneezing, but He appears to not know where He is at."

I think the dispatcher would have hung up on me had I said, "hold on I'll run out and take his temperature."

Here is what Bill Gates has been up to lately...


I'm not sure who the column might be involved with, however if it is Oprah I would like to know how much toilet paper she used on average per week during this world wide disaster where toilet paper is so important to mankind and womankind. Or if she uses a bidet?

I tipped my local grocery store manger to keep one of the extra ultra soft big double sized rolls in the back stockroom for me, and it worked! So I'm all set.

Before that I was eating very little food to try and reduce the amount of pooping and thus toilet paper I was using, as I was running low. So now I'm eating like a normal person again. Though I don't eat bats any longer.

Have a friend who lived by a HoJo's back in the day...he and his bro had gotten keys and would sneak into a couple of rooms after the cleaning crew...and well, remove the sani strip, do their biz, replace the strip and leave...

Today is Palm Sunday, which some dogmatists are insisting on celebrating up-close and personally, so they can infect the rest of us. It may be their most successful proselytization yet.

Tuesday, April 7th is World Health Day. All events are now cancelled or online only. The pandemic infection rate has been asked to accelerate responsibly.

I spent a while yesterday replacing the ballast in the fluorescent ceiling light over my desk yesterday, after wearing gloves to open the replacement package I got in the mail to avoid a trip to the hardware store. I assume the old one died because of an Act of God, but when I flipped the switch and there was light, it was an act of science.

My thoughts and prayers were with the old ballast for about 5 seconds. Then I trashed it.

Stay safe. It's not easy when judging from news reports, a lot of people don't have a clue or don't give a shit. Even if you don't die, this disease can leave permanent problems with your lungs, brain, etc. I don't have enough of mine left to spare any more.

What was the subject, again?

This old geezer remembers that SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION band across the toilet.

Heck, this old geezer remembers staying at places that needed SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION around the whole motel.

oh, and reporting in again from the middle coast: Social distancing still in effect. I'm staying six feet away from my reflection in mirrors, just to be safe.

Here's what Oprah is up to:


Given Dave's adept stream of conciousness writing style, all the celebrities he mentioned could be woven into the column tomorrow.

I could not figure how Dave would weave Ringo Starr into this except for the fact that Paul was not available because Paul is Dead.

Further proof.

Paul and I go way back. Paul mentions me here in this song.

So I sat in the attic, a piano up my nose,
And the wind played a dreadful cantata. (cantata, cantata)
Sore was I from a crack of an enemy's hose
And the horrible sound of tomato. (tomato, tomato)



Well, Mr. Whipple is dead, which probably rules him out.

I'm going to guess Bill Gates. Or maybe Keith Richards.

Is his advice going to echo Bluto's? ("My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.)

So, it was Oprah after all. I knew Mr. Whipple was wrong.

In one of Bill Bryson's books he tells of ceremonially cutting (with scissors) the "sanitized" ribbon on his motel room toilet, declaring the toilet "open".

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