Dave Barry's Blog

POSSIBLY NOT EVEN A JOKE

(Thanks to Dick "Dick" Lobo)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Frozen Poop Knives Don't Work Very Well

(Thanks to pharmaross)

JUDICIAL RULING OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"Considering the size, if those were his testicles, he'd be taken to the hospital," Judge David Wolfe said, referring to what police noted following the arrest of Tiroune Hazel in fall 2018.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

EVEN WITHOUT THE CIRCLE, PEOPLE WILL TEND TO AVOID A PERSON WEARING THIS HELMET

Guy Creates Social Distancing Laser Helmet That Displays 6-Foot Circle Around Himself

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert)

ENTREPRENEURIAL

Crystal Lake police have cited a 63-year-old roofing worker who was caught on camera urinating on a local business' rug and then asking whether the building had "any leaks."

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IN THAT CASE, WE CONSIDER OURSELVES DECEASED

The research, conducted by OnePoll and commissioned by LetsGetChecked, showed that the majority of those polled would consider themselves to be "old" at age 57.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ATTENTION, NORTH RIDGEVILLE (OH) AREA CRIMINALS:

Therefore, we are requesting that all criminals immediately begin abiding by standard “Freeze Tag” rules. If one of our K-9s touches you, you are then frozen until an officer puts handcuffs on you, at which time you are unfrozen. If there is more than one criminal fleeing, you’re allowed to unfreeze each other, but again, if the dogs touch you then you must re-freeze. Also, under no circumstances are tag backs allowed.

(Thanks to Maryann)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

In this video I show how to make a hands-free OREO dispensing machine.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

EDDIE IS A GOOD BOY

One of the K-9 dogs, a rookie named Eddie, "took off like a rocket" and tracked the suspect through an industrial area, past a machinery business, over two chain link fences, past a storage facility and into a nearby apartment complex property, sheriff's officials said in their report.

K-9 Eddie then tracked the suspect to a row of juniper bushes, where the dog dove in twice. The second time he "contacted the suspect's backside," according to deputies' reports.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

YOUR ‘HARD TIMES’ JOKE HERE

Brothel Owner Awarded Federal COVID-19 Relief, But Funds On Hold

(Thanks to Dave Stuff)

AS THE OLD JOKE GOES: ‘WHEREVER THEY WANT’

Two Massive Sea Lions 'Borrowed' Somebody's Boat

(Thanks to Dave N) 

THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS’ LICENSES

One of Australia's biggest cities is so quiet that kangaroos are jumping through the center

(Thanks to David Thielen)

THURSDAY NIGHT THRILLER

Tonight we will write a thriller novel. It will begin with a sentence and a half, which I'll write. From that point on, each commenter will complete the current sentence, then write the first half of the next sentence. Write as many words as you want, but stick to the format of completing the current sentence, then writing half of the next one. Do not post consecutive comments; after you post, let someone else add to it. (There are bound to be simultaneous comments, which could mess everything up. We will deal with that problem by not caring about it.)

HERE IS THE BEGINNING OF THE NOVEL:

The president of the United States frowned at the map in the situation room, then turned to special agent Bart Probe.

"Unless you can stop them," he said, "the entire world is about to be

TAKE IT AWAY, COMMENTERS.

 

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO RESUME THE DEMONSTRATION

An ex-con arrested for allegedly hitting and choking his girlfriend told Florida cops that he was not actually attacking the woman, but rather demonstrating “how I was previously arrested for domestic battery,” according to a court filing.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GET ME REWRITE

The released of the SE was highly anticipated since it was the company’s first mainstream electric model, equipped with many new to market features. This included a very specific wheel design. Mini named these 17-inch wheel the Corona Spoke.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEAR GENDER-REVEAL PEOPLE:

Just stop already.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW TRAIL OF MEAT OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Large group busted for meat market theft after leaving 'trail of meat' behind

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDA: KEEPING THE ARTS ALIVE

The Entire U.S. Box Office This Weekend Came From a Single Florida Drive-in Theater

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE BILL OF RIGHTS

Professors required to report students who attend Zoom calls naked

(Thanks to Dan Coyne)

O THE ETC.

A beer truck overturns on the highway and completely covers the road in beer

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE WOULD LOSE ALL THE BALLS IN NANOSECONDS

Playing Tennis Across Rooftops During Coronavirus Lockdown

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WHATEVER NIGHT THIS IS OPEN THREAD

You know what to do.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS ONCE-PROUD NATION?

Oregon Park Rangers Decided to Bury a Perfectly Dead Whale Instead of Blowing It Up

(Thanks to Larry Osborne)

THE ONLY VIABLE OPTION

Man angry about stimulus check set shed on fire

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT THEM

Woman's fake breasts saved her life

(Thanks to James Flynn)

FLORIDA QUARANTINER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Florida man puts fake COVID-19 warning on door to try to avoid warrant arrest

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

TUESDAY OPEN THREAD

Is there ANY good news to discuss? Yes! Yes there is! HBO Max (whatever that is) is releasing an updated version of Looney Tunes and the trailer looks pretty darned good.

Everything else is bad.

EVERY NOW AND THEN, WE RECEIVE A TRULY WONDROUS PRESS RELEASE

This is one:

Gender divisiveness is one of the most pervasive issues that plagues both the world of yesterday, and unfortunately, the world of today. In almost every major industry, opportunities for females to flourish are limited or less so than those presented to men, and while this gap has grown smaller year by year, it still exists in even the most progressive first world countries. Because of the impressive scope of this problem, there are up and coming entrepreneurs and activists working to bring power to women in all corners of the market. And many have already made a lasting impact. Meet Anthony Osorio, the founder of the Booty King LLC.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SOON TO BE A NATIONWIDE FRANCHISE

N.C. farm rents out miniature donkey to crash video calls

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

Tom Brady was thrown out of park by a Tampa recreation worker

(Thanks to pharmaross)

JOURNALISM IN A TIME OF SHELTERING

TV reporter accidentally shows naked man in shower during at-home segment

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, B'game, Bill Hudgins and pharmaross)

WHATEVER IT TAKES

Woman goes to extreme measures to cut dog's nails - involving peanut butter on her head

(Thanks to John Lobert)

MONDAY OPEN THREAD

Here's a possible theme for this evening's Comment-a-Palooza: Song lyrics, both good and bad.

For an example of good lyrics, consider the first verse of "Maybellene," by Chuck Berry, who could definitely write him some songs:

As I was motivatin' over the hill

I saw Maybellene in a Coup de Ville

Cadillac rollin' on a open road

Nothin' outrun my V-8 Ford

If you don't want to know how that story turns out, you are not human.

For an example of bad lyrics, consider the opening lines of "Islands in the Stream," which was written by the Bee Gees and became a hit for Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. Here at the blog we are a fan of all these artists. However, consider:

Baby when I met you there was peace unknown

I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb

With all due respect to Kenny, Dolly and the brothers Gibb, our reaction, when we hear those words, is: Huh?

Anyway, this could be something to talk about. Or not! We are past caring.

 

'I'M A PLUS SIZE GIRL SO IT JUST KINDA FIT'

Woman Saves A Cracked Egg By Carrying It In Her Bra For 35 Days: Sees It Hatch, Survive And Grow

(Thanks to John Lobert)

JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN'T GET ANY WORSE

...it gets worse.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...

...for Mushroom Canoe.

(Thanks to The Perts)

SEND WASHINGTON TO SPACE

Study shows that living in space makes your brain grow larger

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT HAS BEEN HIRED BY THE POLICE TO MEASURE THE CORRECT SOCIAL DISTANCE

Six Foot Python Pulled From Miami Beach Park

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SUNDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

We gently remind you that you do not need to refrigerate ketchup or mustard.

CLEARLY WE NEED TO INCREASE THE DOSAGE

Drinking alcohol won't kill coronavirus, World Health Organization says

(Thanks to Maryann)

ONLY TO BE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Pig leads police officers on 45-minute pursuit before capture

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, who says "They're serious about enforcing the mask requirements," and Bill Hudgins, who says "The cops were stymied.")

GUYS IN ACTION

Also, a cow.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

MEANWHILE IN PHUKET

Old shrine surfaces as Bang Wad reservoir hits bottom

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SO USE IT SPARINGLY

Why thoroughbred horse semen is the world's most expensive liquid

(Thanks to pharmaross)

REGULAR READERS OF THIS BLOG WILL IMMEDIATELY KNOW THE ANSWER

How do two men get charged with DUI at the same time, from the same vehicle?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SATURDAY NIGHT THREAD

Get it off your chest. Unless it's that thing from Alien. We do NOT want that thing running around in the comments.

WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS IS SMARTER EAGLES

However, Harriet apparently mistook a toy squirrel for a real one and brought the stuffed plush critter, complete with a purple manufacturing tag, to her chicks.

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet, an entirely different person from nursecindy)

MEN:

Do NOT click here.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THIS SEEMS A TAD... EXCESSIVE

San Clemente Fills Skatepark With 37 Tons Of Sand After Skaters Ignore ‘No Trespassing’ Signs

(Thanks to Dave Stuff and Penrod, who says "At least they haven’t started summary executions yet.")

AND YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE

US Running out of Frozen Pizzas Amid Ongoing Coronavirus Pandemic

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

How Soon Will Soaps Run Out of New Episodes?

Beer may lose its fizz as CO2 supplies go flat during pandemic

(Thanks to Le Petomane)