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April 27, 2020

MONDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Sugar is sweet

And nursecindy commented yesterday that she thinks the comments should have a theme so maybe the theme today could be that the comments are in the form of poems but that is entirely up to you.

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Interesting idea. Let's discuss its prose and cons.

Virus!
Not for us.
Isolate,
Sleep late.
Wear a mask?
Don't ask.

coscolo

I'd write a saucy limerick commenting on current times, but I can't get "social distancing" to rhyme with "Nantucket."

Instead, here are some coronavirus parody poems by John Boyne.

roses are red
violets are blue
I'm Schizophrenic
and so am I

Online War Games. A haiku

My chamber is dark
Blue light flickers below. Death?
No,glory! I preen.

The rationing caused by this "flu"
Means that limericks now end at line two

Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get arrested
Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get arrested

Gee, I really need to
Stay six feet from you

And goin' to the chapel is banned.

There was a little girl
who had a little bird
it's name was Enza
one day it flew away
but it didn't go to stay
when she opened the window
in flew Enza

---1918 children's jump rope song.

All aboard!
Hahahahaha
Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye...
Crazy, but that's how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe it's not too late
To learn how to love and forget how to hate
Mental wounds not healing
Life's a bitter shame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I've listened to preachers, I've listened to fools
I've watched all the dropouts who make their own rules
One person conditioned to rule and control
The media sells it and you live the role
Mental wounds still screaming
Driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I know that things are going wrong for me
You gotta listen to my words
Yeah
Heirs of a cold war, that's what we've become
Inheriting troubles, I'm mentally numb
Crazy, I just cannot bear
I'm living with something that just isn't fair
Mental wounds stop healing
Who and what's to blame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky

Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky

Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky

There once was a woman named Gretchen
who worried infection was catchin'
She shut down the State
Some said too late
But morons with guns said she's kvetch'in

For the record I never said anything about rhyming theme.

Come and listen to a story 'bout a guy named Dave.
Known for writing books but not for being brave.
Then one day he met a Florida man,
and had more material than he could possibly stand.
Florida Man.
Does dumb things.
All the time.
Y'all come back now ya hear?

That's the second poem I've written today and I'm exhausted.

A math nut and meet-'er-and-date-'er fan
Is miffed at the see-you-at-eighter ban.
He FaceTimes to peek well
But "REAL time? No =.
For contact's what nothing >."

chewin on the wuhan, flying toward doom, the president ponders, in all the right places, stay out of the left, the future is written and it rhymes with ka-boom.

In Search of the Diappearing Kleenex
(to be sung to the tune "By the Time I Get to Phoenix")

By the time I find a Kleenex
It won't matter
My sneeze will have sprayed mucus on the floor
My shirt will be one glutinous spatter
I cry, it's happened so many times before

I sit down and eat some beef jerky
'Cause I'm starvin
My nose tickles, is it about to blow?
And I wonder, why can't sneezes give some warning?
But life is just like that, That I know
And my nasal juices
Are starting to flow

I want my pizza touch free
but the guy rolling the dough used his key
unlocked the box
could have just as well used his dirty socks
and when handed my change I probally got small pocks
answered they were was busy with Coronafest
he made my crust I could not bring my self to injest
he didn't wash his hands
put it in a box
again used his dirty socks
so I watch their commercial to be sure
they sure do rock, but have no cure.


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took neither and stayed isolated,
And that has made all the difference.

"Hi, I ordered pizza for pickup about 30 minutes ago, man tom. you guys must be busy?"

"yeah, it's Coronafest...your pizza is about ready to be put in the oven, about 15 minutes."

Alternative answer to my question: "Yeah, efing Coronafest, let me pull this filthy key from my pocket and get in the cash drawer and handle some dirty money then walk over and add that sausage and mushroom topping... you want two of them right?"

Despite what the CDC preaches
Don't stress over Lysol and bleaches
If you get infected
Just go get injected
Then head for the Florida beaches

Right now I've been here for about 45 minutes on Live Support Chat. When I logged on to Chat with Live support I was number 98 in the cue. Now I'm number 97.

There once was a writer named Dave
Whose writing was everyone's fave
So when he did sing
With one Stephen King
The world discreetly forgave.

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

Doesn't rhyme or make a lick of sense. But it the last line of the great poet John Keats' poem on a mayonnaise jar in a Greek restaurant. If Keats were still around and had to watch tv during The Great Cower in Place maybe he could explain why anyone would use good money to buy a chess set where all of the pieces are politicians. Oh why Joe Namath needs Medicare.

Well you can tell by the way I wear my mask
I’m avoiding germs, why do you ask
Kids too loud and wife is cold, and this quarantine
Is getting’ old
and it’s not alright, not okay
I may just be going cray
I just try to understand
The virus’s effect on man
Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother
You're stayin' at home, stayin' at home
Feel your patience breaking and your nerves are shaking
and we’re stayin' at home, stayin' at home
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' at home, stayin’ at home
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' at ho-o-o-ome
Well now at the store now I can’t find
Any toilet paper or sanitize
Now we’re sprayin’ Lysol on our shoes
but I’m thankful I’m not on a cruise
I guess it's alright, it's okay
I'll live to see another day
I hope everyone understands
Wear a mask and wash your hands
Whether you're a student or a non-essential worker
You're stayin' at home, stayin' at home
zoom for business meetings unless you are shirkin’
you’re still stayin' at home, stayin' at home
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' at home, stayin’ at home
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' at ho-o-o-ome
I’m going nowhere, somebody skype me
I’m gonna take a walk

*waves lighter in keith in tampa's direction*

Way to go! (And thanks for the earworm.)

*applause in a white leisure suit for keith*

thanks. nice to feel like I accomplished something.

I went to the bathroom, because I need to pee.
The guy at the next urinal is too close to me.

I want to keep a social distance,
but my bladder is giving me resistance.

I would go into the stall,
but some guy's in there making a call.

Despite everyone's demands,
the jerk before me didn't wash his hands.

I reach for the door with a paper towel,
I feel a sudden urge in my bowel.

I pray it waits until I get home,
while I vow I'll never roam.

I won't let the virus get the best of me.
I'm at home, and I've got TP.

A puckish young man name of Perkins
Was especially fond of small gherkins
Then one day at tea
He ate twenty three
Which pickled his internal workins’

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so is maple surple.

A rather bad poet from Shediac
From important business did sidetrack
His office he shirked
As at home he lurked
To compose this silly limerack.

Ode to Acadie

Acadie, Acadie
I really like
Acadie

Acadie, Acadie
Better than Paree
Acadie

You can get anything you want at just a few restaurants

You can get anything you want at just a few restaurants (that are still open)

Walk right in but first put on your mask

Don't sit down it's carry out or fast

You can get anything you want at just few restaurants

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic
and so am I.

Sing hey! For the bath at close of day
that washes the weary mud away
A loon is he that will not sing
O! Water Hot is a noble thing!

O! Sweet is the sound of falling rain,
and the brook that leaps from hill to plain;
but better than rain or rippling streams
is Water Hot that smokes and steams.

O! Water cold we may pour at need
down a thirsty throat and be glad indeed
but better is beer if drink we lack,
and Water Hot poured down the back.

O! Water is fair that leaps on high
in a fountain white beneath the sky;
but never did fountain sound so sweet
as splashing Hot Water with my feet!

(Oh, wait, was it supposed to be an *original* poem?...)

Stuck in the house
Stuck in the house
Quiet as a mouse
The doorbell rings
My Amazon provisions has arrived!

Let’s take a walk
Let’s take a walk
The dog is excited
And drags me around the block
Until we are both exhausted.

My sweetheart's a mule in the mines
I drive her without any lines
On the bumper I sit
While tobacco I spit
All over my sweetheart's behind

---An old nearly forgotten coal miner's limerick.
This only came to mind because of nursecindy.
Thanks, I think

It's 9:00 on a Saturday,
The regular crowd isn't in.
There's no one sitting next to me,
They're all social distancin'

I think "Big crowds are now just a memory";
these days, nobody goes.
They all zoom and they tweet, but no one will meet.
(My neighbors are snitching on those)

Bring me a mask, I'm essential.
I've got to work tonight.
We've all really had it with lockdown,
but re-opening's nowhere in sight.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,

...and that's the news.

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