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April 09, 2020

APRIL THE SOMETHINGTH OPEN THREAD

We welcome your thoughts.

Also: Should we keep the open threads going? Are people getting bored with them? Are people making comments purely out of pity? WE DON'T WANT PITY COMMENTS, DAMMIT.

Why yes, we have commenced cocktail hour. Why do you ask?

Comments

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Hi Dave! I love the open thread. My fellow blogsters lead such interesting lives. Our happy hour starts much earlier than yours. Maybe that is because my husband is a CPA and tax season is now extended until July 15th. So I guess the pandemic could be my fault for praying for an easy tax season. I never expected this. I must be more specific next time.

Update from the middle coast, where PITY COMMENTS ARE ALSO NOT TOLERATED! (oops....caps lock got stuck).

Excitement for today: Jimmy John's sandwich place that may be near you today, decided it would be great to advertise $3 subs today only! Imagine their shock when every human on earth showed up out of hunger and boredom. You would have thought they were selling toilet paper. It was crazy. They had to cancel the promotion halfway through the day.

Also: Yes! Keep the open threads going! Imagine if there weren't any open threads and the people that post here were let loose on the streets instead. No one wants that.

Note to self: Quit using "imagine" so often.

This sheltering in place and quarantine has put a crimp in socializing and dating. Here's a relevant story:

https://www.stylist.co.uk/life/virtual-date-ideas-digital-dating/378570

Does anyone have any good pickup lines to use for virtual dating or for when this pandemic ends?

I may not be a politician or economist but would you like to see my stimulus package?

I bet man tom has a few...

More sorrow than pity. Let's say... there's the sorrow and the pity. That might even make a good movie title.

As one of your closest and dearest friends (as you wrote when autographing a book for me) I’d recommend accepting the pity comments.

This one for instance from one of your closest and dearest friends.

The Corona Virus pandemic has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house looking for food, we get told NO! if we get too close to strangers, and the thought of a car ride sends us into wild excitement. Hopefully I'll be able to lick myself by the time this is all over.

DO NOT mess with these open threads.

I called Hooters today and asked if they had started home delivery service and they said, yes they were in the process of changing their name to knockers?

The news is getting more scary by the day. Today a new threat surfaced from Iran. The Ayatollah is threatening to sneeze.

Resent research has uncovered CV leads to erectile dysfunction. An important announcement regarding a cure is expected by 7 am tomorrow morning.

One for the blog,

Bob Dylan just released a 17 minute song about the JFK assassination. Conspiracy theorists still can't make out half the words.

You don't want PITHY comments, Dave? "Containing much pith"? Oh, what? Pity? Never mind.

--Emily Litella

My neighbors told me they are facing a moral dilemma. They ask what would I do? Tell their teenage son about all this quarantine stuff or just let them keep gaming in the basement unaware there's a problem.

Home quarantine Day 20. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant that every time I take a leak it cleans the toilet.

I pity the fool who writes pity comments on Dave's Open Thread!

For some reason, when I read the Blog's opening of the holy thread post all I could think of was this:
Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me

And now that I have shared this classic ear worm, I will commence with
happy hour. Margarita, anyone?

Steve (The 24 Guy), Imagine all the people.......
I've started getting a little "weird" with all of this isolation. I wrote an email to our local TV weather station that does a "Weather On The Ones" segment. For some reason they haven't been showing my town for the past two weeks. I asked them if my city council had forgotten to pay their Weather On The Ones bill and if there was anything I could do about it. They emailed back saying the bill was paid but the equipment was broken. Also, I slightly complained about a weather person who continuously pointed at Greensboro, NC when talking about Charlotte. They let me know she's gone and then today they pointed out my little town was back on the weather map. I may need to start drinking.

I was curious about that new Bob Dylan song, which had presented itself to me when I opened YouTube recently. I got about a minute into it and couldn't take it anymore. Later I heard that it became his first song to go to #1 on the charts. I apparently missed something significant about it or its cultural relevance. Were there any references to "Q" in it?

If you have never seen the first 30 seconds of this..."

PITY?--Y'all don't deserve no stinkin' pity!
BUCK UP! Enjoy the thrills you have never experienced before such as running out of toilet paper or eating Ramen noodles three times a day for a week.
Also:
Relatives don't visit
You have time to learn old skills like how to make alcohol using your neighbors potatoes.
You read Amish romances and enjoy them.
Think of the stories you can tell the young squirts when you're in a rest home....and never can leave it... Uh Oh....nevermind...

"I'm Joe Biden and I approve this ad.

Now that's an oldie but goodie man tom.

Jim Backus, who portrayed Thurston Howell the 3rd on Gilligan's Island was the voice behind Mr. Magoo.

Speaking of loose threads, the URL of a Daily Mail story says that coughs with coronavirus can spread germans across across two supermarket aisles. People who cough are now austriacized. They are the ones who deserve our pity.


In order to cross the aisle in that scenario, don't you have to turn your head and cough?

Is this Judi?

I'm tired of watching too much t.v. and it's getting to me.

I bought some silver from an 800 number and some gold from William Devane. I bought a reverse mortgage from Magnum P.I. and am using the cash to buy a vacation time share after listening to Joan Lunden talk up "A Place For Mom".

I need a ladder to climb into my bed after buying Giza and flannel dream sheets, a mattress pad, dog bed, body pillow and stadium cushions from the My Pillow guy.

Time to put down the remote and go for a walk.

Had to shop for food for the first time in three weeks, and it was interesting.

Got up early enough to hit Kroger when it opened, and found they had about a dozen 4-roll packages of toilet paper. No paper towels, no napkins, no Lysol. I bought the last bottle of Dawn, although they had lots of their store brand equivalent. Plenty of frozen foods.

In the evening I went to Sam's. They had more than a dozen pallets of those 45-roll packs of toilet paper. Same for paper towels. And not everybody leaving the store had bought one. But the store had almost no frozen food,

This behavioral inconsistency on the part of the shoppers has again confirmed my impression that the world is just nuts. No wonder Dave's had such a successful career. There's an endless supply of material to work with.

If this virus thing is such a biggie why does the Post Office keep delivering letters from the AARP? Thank Gawd for electricity. If it weren't for what electricity provides such as tv, radio, the internet, phones, etc. I'd never know if I tried to leave my house I'd have so many 9mm holes I'd be able to stand up in a tornado. Am considering buying a mask but I only want one made from the cotton the My Pillow guy gets from that place in the Egyptian desert. The Zorro mask I had as a kid just isn't N95.

Please do keep the threads going. Though, I'm not much into tennis and I thought the Open was cancelled.

Nice one, Cindy. It's interesting how the weather people decide what to include on their maps. I mean, do a lot of people in the Catskills (100 miles north of us) really get (let alone watch) NYC stations? I mean, yes, local weather showing the city, Long Island, New Jersey, and western Connecticut I understand, but Monticello?

Squirrel Whisperer

FYI:

https://www.kaaltv.com/minnesota-news/minnesota-my-pillow-medical-masks-coronavirus/5688587/

No word yet if the masks are made from Giza cotton from the Egyptian desert. For now, the masks aren't available to the public (until he realizes he can double the price of his pillows if he throws in a "free" mask that costs 99-cents to make). If you slice up the material from his dog bed, you can make enough masks to outfit the entire family (but there's no 30-day guarantee against contracting covid-19 or fleas).

My life is going to work but I disinfect everything all the time and masks are finally supplied however I have been sewing masks for donation. I have another batch to sew when I am off for a couple of days during Easter. Have a great holiday.

I just started wondering from the previous post if anyone has considered providing a mask to the Easter bunny? How long will the baskets have to remain untouched for us to be sure they are safe to consume? Could they be flattened and then be delivered in pizza boxes? What if the squirrels know about this as a weakness and try to exploit it? Maybe dress in bunny suits and deliver contaminated candy? Well this is a good place to share some random (paranoid) thoughts. Need coffee.

Jeff, in Texas most local forecasts encompass an area that would amount to half a dozen entire markets in your neck of the woods.

Beg pardon, Mr Barry: aren’t all our threads open?

Alright time to get inventive and quit mopping try to beat this guy's inventions!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nORRgU8sGdE

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