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April 02, 2020

THURSDAY OPEN THREAD

Maybe we should tell jokes. Here's one from the late great Henny Youngman:

Man goes to a doctor, says "My sex life is terrible." Doctor says "Run ten miles a day and call me in a week." Guy calls a week later, the doctor says, "How's your sex life?" Guy says "Terrible! I'm 70 miles from home!"

Bear in mind, when judging this joke, that Henny could tell it in like eight seconds. So it didn't waste a lot of anybody's time.

Anyway, we welcome jokes in the comments. We also welcome frozen margaritas in the comments, but alas the technology isn't there yet.

WE'RE NOT PROUD OF OURSELVES

...but we laughed out loud.

(Thanks to coscolo)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS?

Eduardo Moreno, 44, was charged with one count of train wrecking, prosecutors said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CULTURAL QUARANTINE FUN

This is pretty great.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

A FLORIDA DRIVING-INSTRUCTOR CERTIFICATE IS ON THE WAY

Student driver runs stop sign, fails roadside sobriety test during lesson, police say

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW

Is Carol Burnett doing a toilet-paper skit.

(Thanks to MOTW)

OOPS

A Michigan man who fired a pistol several times to “encourage” vehicles to move along was arrested after finding out they belonged to DNR officers.

(Thanks to Geoff)

STREET VALUE: $47 MILLION

Officers discover nearly 200 rolls of toilet paper inside stolen SUV

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YES, THAT SHOULD DO IT

At a time when the world is virtually waging a war against COVID-19 and the country is under a 21-day lockdown, two families in Uttar Pradesh have named their babies ''Corona'' and ''Lockdown'' with a hope that they would remind people about taking precautions.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO SANITIZE YOUR HANDS AND GO

An Australian allegedly caught driving a Lamborghini at nearly twice the speed limit in Sydney claimed he was rushing to hospital to be tested for coronavirus, police said on Wednesday.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE BEG TO DIFFER

Accused Hamilton drug dealer charged with operating non-essential business amid coronavirus pandemic

(Thanks to Ralph)

ABOUT DAMN TIME

Now you can buy a bobblehead of coronavirus hero Dr. Anthony Fauci. Don’t touch its face.

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

*WE'RE* NOT SAYING THIS. *MALAYISA* IS SAYING THIS.

Don't Nag Your Husband During Lockdown, Malaysia's Government Advises Women

(Thanks to Michael Parry, Geoff, Asher Scheiner, Michael Parry, Mark Schlesinger and pharmaross)

DUH

People are buying tons of alcohol

(Thanks to pharmaross)

O THE ETC.

Truck load of toilet paper burns in Texas highway crash

(Thanks to many people)

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN CATS, REASON 2,038

Delivery dog offers curbside wine pickup during the coronavirus lockdown

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, Ranald Adams and Rod Nunley)

 
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