Dave Barry's Blog

THE VERY THING WE NEED

Sky writing could return to the UK for first time in 60 years

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHEN NEWS BREAKS...

...the Mirror is on it.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IN A GLOOMY TIME, A RAY OF SUNSHINE

A $79 MILLION superyacht owned by a Saudi prince capsized and partially sunk while it was docked in Greece.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE ALMOST FORGOT:

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

OK, it could be happier. Here’s to next year’s St. Paddy’s, when we look back at this one and say, “Well THAT sucked.”

CORONAVIRUS, DAY 2,038

...is what it feels like. We hope you are all holding up under the strain. Also, avoiding The Strain. Rest assured that here at the Blog we are taking the following measures during the current emergency:

1. Sitting around a lot.

2. Really, Number 1 pretty much sums it up.

We will keep you posted. Meanwhile, until this crisis passes, we urge you not to do anything except wash your hands until your bones are fully exposed. Above all REMAIN CALM. Thank you.

THEN WHY EVEN *HAVE* 911?

Newport PD asks public to avoid calling 911 because they ran out of toilet paper

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEEMS LEGIT

Televangelist claims to cure coronavirus through television sets

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CORONAVIRUS UPDATE

It’s a big puzzle.

THEY WERE 'FLATTENING THE CURVE'

Florida Duo Ignored All That Talk About Social Distancing, Had Sex Outside Hospital

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SEEMS THIS WOULD ALSO PREVENT PURCHASES

Japanese store puts a curse on its toilet rolls to prevent thefts

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE

Researcher Says Giant Crabs Keep Stealing and Destroying Her Cameras

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

Kangaroo caught eating toilet paper in campground bathroom

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THE SILVER LINING

Coronavirus causes panicked shoppers to strip many store aisles, but broccoli remains

(Thanks to Dave Stuff)

HEALTH ADVISORY

But experts have repeatedly asserted that cow urine does not cure illnesses like cancer and there is no evidence that it can prevent coronavirus, according to Reuters.

So it looks like cow poop is still the way to go.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

SCIENCE UPDATE

There's a New Hypothesis For How Uranus Ended Up Tipped on Its Side

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MIAMI-AREA NIGHTLIFE UPDATE

Things are still happening.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAA

Miami mayor tests positive for coronavirus after event with Brazil President Bolsonaro

Ex-Gov. Candidate Andrew Gillum in Miami Beach Hotel Room Where Drugs Found: Police

THE WEDDING COULD BE AWKWARD

A man is behind bars after Metro Nashville Police say he shot off part of the penis of his mother’s fiancé during a struggle for a gun following an altercation.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Dave Stuff)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Woman finds live snake in Woolworths bag of potatoes

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE DO NOT PAY OUR POLICE OFFICERS ENOUGH

It was then that Prudhom yelled for fellow officers to pepper spray Watkins, who police first encountered following a disturbance at a bar. Upon being sprayed, Watkins (seen above) finally let go of Prudhom’s penis.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SMART!

Brevard's top health administrator goes on cruise amid worldwide coronavirus pandemic

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

McDonald's McDouble Burger Used As Weapon During Domestic Attack, Cops Say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE PERFECT CRIME

A Florida man allegedly attempted to eat a stolen debit card when he was confronted by police officers after attempting to use the card to purchase goods at Walt Disney World.

(Thanks to Ann)

REMINDS US OF THE MARSHALL PLAN

Pornhub Is Giving Italians Free Premium Access During Coronavirus Quarantine

(Thanks to Matt Filar and pharmaross)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Indian People Are Taking Cow Poop Baths To Cure Coronavirus

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE

Fast & Furious 9 delayed until 2021 over coronavirus concerns

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

We regret to inform you that due to the current state of affairs about the coronavirus/COVID 19 the Central PA Handbell Festival and Workshop has been cancelled for this weekend.

(Thanks to Craig Magee)

DC cherry blossoms reach peduncle elongation stage

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

Cher Postpones Here We Go Again Tour Due to Coronavirus

(Thanks to James Flynn)

THE SHAFT BOTTOM BOYS

Canadian band plays world's deepest underground concert

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and pharmaross)

We assume the songs were in a miner key.

ADVISORY

You should maintain a social distance of six feet from this blog at all times.

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Florida man stands naked in his driveway, throws rocks at passing cars, deputies say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FORE!

Miami customs agent discovered $30,000 worth of cocaine inside set of golf clubs

Related: Cocaine will not cure coronavirus

(Thanks to pharmaross)

POSSIBLY BECAUSE IT’S DRIVING A CORVETTE

‘Faster than it looks:’ Loose Florida cow keeps evading police

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w and Terry in Bedford)

‘FASHION-FORWARD’ IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE THEM

How the pearl necklace has become a must-have accessory for Hollywood's most fashion-forward men

(Thanks to Roberto)

MAYBE IT WAS WORK-RELATED

Professor Peter Davies, 70, an expert in tuberculosis, used his work computer after his wife put filters on his personal PC to stop him watching porn at home. Police were called in after NHS officials checked his machine at the Liverpool Heart and Chest Hospital and found he had viewed images of someone having sex with a horse and a dog.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ADVISORY

If you are reading this blog on a computer, be sure to wash the screen with soap and hot water for at least 20 minutes, then flee the area.

SEEMS MEDICALLY SOUND

With face masks that supposedly protect from coronavirus in short supply around the globe, some men in Japan are trying out another idea: Wearing women’s underwear over their faces instead.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

IN THAT CASE, MA’AM, YOU ARE FREE TO RESUME YOUR GLAMOROUS LIFESTYLE

Las Cruces woman driving stolen vehicle claims to be Beyoncé

(Thanks to pharmaross)

INEVITABLY

Coronavirus conference canceled in New York because of coronavirus

(Thanks to Dave Stuff)

YES, THAT SHOULD SOLVE THE PROBLEM

‘Miserable’ man tattoos entire body blue to feel confident

(Thanks to John Gregg)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...

...for Poop Zamboni.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES, A RAY OF HOPE

McDonald’s now sells a four-patty Big Mac

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ADVISORY

If you are exposed to this blog, you should not attempt to do anything requiring intelligence for 14 days.

SIX OF ONE

Reported loose lion was unusually groomed dog in Spain

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: RIMERSBURG, PA.

The Pennsylvania State Police in Clarion were called to Union School District on Baker Street on Friday for reports of a stolen juice box.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PROFILES IN COURAGE

Snctm’s LA & NYC orgies thrusting onwards in face of coronavirus

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

Tampa strip club offers face masks to customers to fight spread of coronavirus

(Thanks to pharmaross)

French mayor defends Smurf rally after outcry over virus

(Thanks to Michael Parry and Greg Snow)

ALWAYS CARRY A CAN OF GLADE, DUDE

A Louisiana woman was arrested on drug charges after police determined the $5,000 cash she used to post an inmate's bail had a “strong odor of marijuana.”

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias and Jeff Meyerson)

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Hatchet-wielding doughnut thief

(Thanks to Roberto and Ralph)

'THE SNOOZEAL'

NHS surgeon invents gadget that stops snoring by zapping tongue with electricity

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "This will go over GREAT with your spouse.")

PUBLIC SERVICE REMINDER:

In the event of an emergency, you can use this blog as either toilet paper or hand sanitizer. 

TODAY'S STOCK-MARKET TIP:

Just don't look.

AND IN SPORTS

Crufts Best in Show winner celebrates by pooing on floor during victory lap

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and Emily, Leslie and w)