Dave Barry's Blog

SOCIAL DISTANCING

Huber Heights firefighters are doing their part.

(Thanks to Joeage)

PROBABLY LOOKING FOR TOILET PAPER

Australian woman finds huge Burmese python on her porch

(Thanks to Rick Day)

AND IN SPORTS

Boise seniors spend time in quarantine playing 'Hungry Hungry Hippos'

Thanks to Craig Roberts)

CANADA TURNS VIOLENT

A Prince Edward Island pig and dairy farmer is literally throwing bacon and sausages at his customers through their car windows in order to maintain social distancing amid the COVID-19 pandemic — and people keep coming back for more.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and The Perts)

LEADERSHIP

Denver mayor reverses order to close liquor stores, recreational marijuana dispensaries after crowds swarm

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE’S A *GOOD* BOY

Dog so happy humans are always at home sprains his tail from 'excessive wagging'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NO PANDEMIC CAN STOP FLORIDA MAN

Auburndale Florida Man Arrested During Traffic Stop And Found To Be Naked With String Tied To His Genitals

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS IS PRETTY GREAT

Nick started commenting on everyday life as he saw it and shared the videos on Twitter.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THAT SHOULD DO IT

Inter Miami alters its logo to promote social distancing during coronavirus pandemic

(Thanks to Mrs. Blog)

NOW WE KNOW IT'S SERIOUS

Neil Diamond revises ‘Sweet Caroline’ for coronavirus: ‘Hands... washing hands’

(Thanks to Chris, who says "At least there was nothing about chairs.")

ONE DUDE PER BONG, DUDES

Cannabis sales explode as Californians become homebound

Related: “Bong Condoms” Do Not Belong In Your Stoner Survival Kit. We Know Because We Tried Them.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALWAYS CARRY SOME ON YOUR PERSON

Shopkeeper throws chilli at armed robber sending him fleeing with nothing but very sore eyes

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS

Confined by virus, Frenchman runs marathon on his balcony

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OPEN THREAD

Blog community, feel free to weigh in here on the COVID-19 situation and all the covidiotic things that have been happening during this time of worldwide suckage. Also let your fellow blog people know how you're doing in the crisis. Do you have enough toilet paper? Food? How about toilet paper? FOR GOD'S SAKE MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH TOILET PAPER.

Us? We're fine! Why do you ask? 

Update: I'll keep this post on top of the blog for a while, since it seems to be semi-therapeutic.

Update to the Update: We checked the little box that supposedly keeps this post on top, but Typepad doesn't seem to want to keep it on top. So you may have to hunt for it. We apologize for any inconvenience. Rest assured that judi will be fired from a minimum distance of six feet.

WHAT WE NEED IN THESE TRYING TIMES

Vicar sets himself on fire during first online coronavirus church service

(Thanks to John Lobert)

TOILET PAPER IN THE NEWS

NEBRASKANS ARE STEALING TOILET PAPER FROM INTERSTATE REST STOPS

Florida Man Charged With Stealing $1 Roll Of Toilet Paper Is Held On $5000 Bond

Man arrested for allegedly stealing 66 rolls of toilet paper from Orlando hotel

“Rush on toilet paper” at local store causes fight; police called

Toilet paper alternatives cause sewer problems

Make Your Own: Artisanal Toilet Paper

Bakery Special: TP Cake

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, Ann, Ralph, Ranald Adams and pharmaross)

THE APOCALYPSE IS DEFINITELY HERE

Minibikes and a motorized port-a-potty take over a Milwaukee roundabout.

(Thanks to Jane Owen)

We WANT the porta-potty.

AH YES, THE OLD BACK ROAD

For the weekend 21/22 and 28/29 the bus will travel on Strand Rd, Culmore Rd until Culmore Roundabout where it will then travel up Madams Bank Rd, turning right at Ballyarnett Roundabout past Steelstown GAA and take the (back road) to Muff.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SPORTS UPDATE FROM DOWN UNDER

Australia's most prestigious pro rugby league is combating the coronavirus pandemic ... by appointing a special BALL WASHER to keep things clean on the field.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PRIORITIES II

New York hair and nail salons to shut, but booze deemed 'essential'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BUT DOES IT PICK UP THE POOP?

Drone walks dog for man on coronavirus lockdown in Cyprus

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and Suzie Q Wacvet) (as opposed to nursecindy)

PRIORITIES

A man in Italy gets charged for ignoring the coronavirus lockdown to play 'Pokémon Go'

(Thanks to Ralph)

‘DON’T JUST COVER YOUR MOUTH’

D.C. restaurant gives condoms with to-go orders

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE HOPE IT WAS DECAF

Crews clean I-81 after coffee covers lanes following tractor-trailer crash

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “Traffic ground to a halt,” and Allen at Division, who says “We’re gonna need a lot of creamer.”)

Related: Truck spills 40,000 pounds of Gatorade

(Thanks to Steve L, who says “We’re gonna need more athletes.”)

STREET VALUE: $854 TRILLION

The North Carolina truck driver was busted on Wednesday hauling 18,000 pounds of toilet paper in a stolen 18-wheeler trailer 

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w, The Squirrel Whisperer, Rod Nunley, Le Petomane, pharmaross and Steve K)

ATTENTION, SELF-QUARANTINERS:

I made you a really unhelpful self-help video. (Give it a little while to get started.)

AND IMMEDIATELY TRADED IT IN FOR A 24-PACK OF CHARMIN

Woman gives birth in toilet paper aisle of Springfield Walmart

(Thanks to Kevin Meershcaert, who asks "Did she name the kid Scott?")

WE ALL NEED SOMETHING NICE RIGHT NOW

...so, here.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

4:14 p.m. A grocery store employee called 911 to report that a woman had been in the store’s bathroom for an extended period of time. The employee thought that the woman was either doing drugs or eating donuts.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

LUCKY BASTARDS

An Australian family accidentally ordered $3,264 worth of toilet paper when they bought 48 boxes instead of 48 rolls

(Thanks to The Perts)

SWELL. WHERE'S OUR FLYING CAR?

This drone can play dodgeball – and win

(Thanks to Dave Stuff)

CLASSY

Man breaks into Jacksonville church, steals hand sanitizer

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

43 MILLION

This online calculator tells you exactly how much toilet roll you actually need to buy

(Thanks to Dave Stuff)

DUH

Female narwhals attracted to males with biggest horns, study finds

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OUR WORST FEAR HAS BEEN REALIZED

(Thanks to Roberto)

EVERYBODY'S STRESSED

Elephants break into farm in self-isolation and get drunk on whisky

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THE 'CAN-DO' SPIRIT THAT MAKES THIS NATION WHAT IT IS

One Las Vegas strip club is staying open amid a 30-day shutdown recommended by Gov. Steve Sisolak and taking social distancing to another level by offering drive-through strip shows.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

THE SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING

NASA unsticks its Martian digging probe by whacking it with a shovel.

(Thanks to John Criswell and Ralph)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE

The Deerfield American Legion hosted “Testicle Festival” will not take place Saturday, March 21 as planned, as limitations upon the number of people together in one setting, have been set by the Michigan state government in a response to combatting COVID-19.

(Thanks to B'game and Allen at Division)

And Now This: Playboy suspends iconic magazine after 66 years over coronavirus pandemic

(Thanks to Steve K. and pharmaross)

A REASON TO GO ON

“His entire job was to remove CGI buttholes that had been inserted a few months before. Which means that, somewhere out there, there exists a butthole cut of Cats.”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEIR CHILD'S WHAT?

Some separated parents in Columbia Falls got into a fight over their child’s hand washing regiment.

Guess the county.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

GUESS WHAT THEY'RE CALLING IT

A Portland Strip Club Has Started a Meal Delivery Service Where Dancers Bring Food Directly to Your Door

(Thanks to pharmaross and Le Petomane)

It's semi-NSFW, but you're probably not at work anyway.

ACTUAL POSITIVE NEWS

An anonymous customer at a Houston restaurant left staff a $9,400 tip just hours after the county announced mandatory business closings.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'VE ALL DONE IT

New Mexico man says he unknowingly stole TVs while drunk

(Thanks to pharmaross and DaninDallas)

AUSTRALIAN EDUCATION UPDATE

There's lots happening down under.

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert)

ENTREPRENEURS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Mom, daughter sold body parts from funeral home without families’ consent, CO cops say

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says "Two heads are better than one… Lend me a hand…Stop rolling your eyes…He gave me the finger… Keep your nose out of this…the jokes write themselves!")

THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING, WE WOULDN'T RULE OUT THE POSSIBILITY THAT IT WAS AN ACTUAL DINOSAUR

Spanish police have urged citizens to remain indoors during the COVID-19 state of emergency after encountering one citizen on the street dressed as a dinosaur.

(Thanks to Ralph)

'VINTAGE'

Son is amazed to find HUNDREDS of vintage toilet paper rolls from the 1980s stocked in his late father's unit years after he died - and is now offering them up to people in need

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

DUDE

Ybor City chicken breaks $1,200 worth of glass pipes in CBD shop

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

DOCTOR'S ORDERS, PEOPLE

Dr. Oz says couples should have sex while quarantining

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Don't drink bleach to prevent coronavirus, poison control center warns

(Thanks to Dave N.)