Dave Barry's Blog

IT'S TUESDAY NIGHT! AS FAR AS WE CAN TELL!

And you know what that means...

Neither do we! But feel free to comment.

'CHEER' IS ONE POSSIBLE EFFECT

Arizona man plays bagpipes at sunset to cheer neighbors

Do not attempt this in Miami.

(Thanks to B'game)

OR YOU CAN WATCH 'TIGER KING' AGAIN

Cooped up at home? You can help scientists spot penguins from space or seek out new galaxies

(Thanks to The Perts)

HEH

Naked man charged in Powell sausage assault

(Thanks to pharmaross)

VIRTUALLY UNDETECTABLE

Person dresses as bush to sneak out during the coronavirus lockdown

(Thanks to pharmaross, RunBDB, Allen at Division and Ralph)

Related: Driver stopped on M6 lockdown trip with wife in boot

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, who says "He’ll be sleeping on the sofa for the next 6 months.")

GUESS THE STATE

A conservative evangelical pastor has suggested to his followers that God will help multiply their toilet rolls amid the coronavirus pandemic.

Update: Pastor of Tampa church that held two large Sunday services arrested, jailed

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Ralph)

MONDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD.

Or Thursday. What difference does it make?

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Belarus president believes vodka and saunas will cure coronavirus

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER THE PIT BULL PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

A Washington state man was arrested Sunday following a high speed chase on Interstate 5 in which the suspect's pet pit bull may have been driving the vehicle during part of the incident, authorities said.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

HE'LL PROBABLY GET HIS NOBEL PRIZE STUCK UP THERE TOO

Scientist Gets Magnets Stuck Up Nose While Inventing Necklace to Stop People Touching Their Faces

(Thanks to Caren Lobo, Andrew Simmons, pharmaross, Jan in Grimsby, The Perts and Larry Martell)

SUNDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD

Happy Groundhog Day everyone! We think it might be Sunday. There is no way to tell.

THE PEACOCKS IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD

...are NOT practicing social distancing.

(Photo by Mrs. Blog)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Why Not Wearing A Bra During Self-Isolation Is The Best

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IF I CAN MAKE IT THERE....

Quarantined New Yorker Tries to Recreate ‘Italy Magic’ By Singing Out Window — But is Told to ‘Shut The F**k Up’

(Thanks to Barry Nester and Asher Scheiner)

TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

Criminal group Jalisco Cartel can no longer secure the chemical ingredients required to make the drug fentanyl, which are also supplied by China, according to Insight crime.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE SURVEILLANCE STATE HAS GONE TOO FAR

NASA Discovers Gas Emanating From Uranus

(Thanks to pharmaross and Mark Schlesinger)

‘THE CHILDREN REACT STRONGLY AFTER SEEING THIS’

Policeman wears coronavirus helmet to warn people to stay home

(Thanks to Ralph, and John Lobert, who says “I’m convinced.”)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE LOOKING FOR WAYS TO PASS THE TIME:

Here you go.

(Thanks to John Lobert) 

AND IN QUARANTINE SPORTS

Dunno if you can see this, but... FORE!

(Thanks to Rod Cink) (who is not to be confused with nursecindy)

SATURDAY NIGHT THREAD

How much fun is everybody having? A lot, right?? Ha ha!!! Here in Miami we just got an emergency phone warning -- such as you might receive during a nuclear attack -- telling people over 65 to STAY HOME. Which is pretty much what we've been doing anyway. FUN!!

Feel free to comment in the comments. Or not! Either way we're staying home.

WELL IN *THAT* CASE....

The five Chinese nationals arrested in Cairo Wednesday evening were cooking meals of animals' genitals, not grilled snakes, a veterinary official has said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLATHEAD COUNTY COPES WITH THE PANDEMIC

10:45 a.m. A Kalispell man did some social distancing by sitting in his backyard by himself and firing his gun almost nonstop

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

A SONG FOR THESE TIMES

It is NOT safe for work. But most of you should not be AT work.

This opens in Facebook, so we don’t know if it will work for everyone.

(Thanks to Mark McAlear)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Astronaut Urine To Build Moon Bases

(Thanks to Andrew Simmons)

SIDE ORDER

Truck hauling 80K pounds of french fries overturns on Maine Turnpike

(Thanks to David Emery, who says “We’re gonna need more ketchup.”)

SILVER LINING

The Abbey Road crossing has been repainted now that crowds of people aren't lining up to re-create the Beatles' iconic album cover

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND THE 88 PERCENT ARE GRATEFUL

A survey of stay-at-home workers in the United States suggests 12 percent of workers have kept their cameras switched off during video calls due to a lack of clothing.

Related: As more work from home, Walmart sees rise in sales of tops, not bottoms

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FRIDAY OPEN THREAD

How is everyone doing? Here at the blog we are doing fine except for the fact that WE ARE GOING INSANE.

Speaking of which: If you have Netflix, and you are in the tiny group of people who have not yet checked out Tiger King, give it a look. However weird you think weird is, the people in this documentary are weirder. It goes without saying that Florida is involved.

If you have Hulu, you might like What We Do In The Shadows, which is a sitcom about vampires on Staten Island. This blog thinks it's hilarious. This blog's wife and daughter are not so sure. One of the episodes features the most wonderful vampire-werewolf battle in the history of vampire-werewolf battles.

Feel free to suggest other shows/movies/books/narcotics in the comments.

TODAY'S ACTIVE SENIORS

AN 80-year-old woman in Navarra has been denounced by the police for breaking lockdown, possession of drugs and flashing the officers.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE WORD IS HERO

Drone Pilot Flies Drone With a Roll of Toilet Paper Across San Francisco to a Quarantined Friend in Need

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

*GOOD* GIRL

Man in coronavirus self-isolation sends dog to shop with list and money attached to collar

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY

Corn pest: Border officers detect snout weevil for first time in agricultural shipment

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ENOUGH, IN THE CURRENT CRISIS, FOR A FAMILY OF FOUR

North Carolina truck crash spills hundreds of toilet paper rolls onto highway, report says

(Thanks to Le Petomane, pharmaross, AmoebaStampede and Jay Brandes)

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO BE WORRIED ABOUT

People are cutting their own hair during lockdown - and it's not going well

Related: Hairdresser cuts holes in umbrella for arms and eyes as barrier between clients

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Old gas blob from Uranus found in vintage Voyager 2 data

(Thanks to Steve Partridge)

TRIUMPH OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT

Neighbors use RC car to drive beer to each other to maintain social distancing

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

‘IT IS NO ORDINARY POO. IT IS SPIRITUAL.’

PROPHET BLAMES POO IN CHURCH ON WITCHCRAFT

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

TENSION MOUNTS IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

5:28 p.m. A local man reported that he tried to ask Siri to call “411” but instead it called “911” and now his wife is glaring at him.

(Thanks to Roberto)

THIS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE

How to Make Bagpipes Out of a Garbage Bag and Recorders

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IF YOU WATCH ONLY ONE VIDEO TODAY. OR, FRANKLY, EVER.

It should be this.

(Please explain, if you can, how the hell he did this.)

IT'S PROBABLY USING WAZE

A 12-foot-long great white shark named "Ironbound" appears to be heading into the Gulf of Mexico when other tagged members of its species are moving in the other direction.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW SALVO OF SNOT OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Epic moment a blue whale SNEEZES and blasts an overhead research drone with a salvo of 'snot'

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE WERE AHEAD OF THIS CURVE

People are stocking up on puzzles for coronavirus quarantine

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Now look at what hoarding trend this blog  started.")

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

DIY Toilet Paper Ply Splitter

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Downside: you use twice as much.")

GUYS IN ACTION

Strike!

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Directly Related: Mammal study explains 'why females live longer'

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

REPORT FROM THE HOME-SCHOOLING FRONT:

"I'm telling you it is not going good."

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

IT'S GETTING SERIOUS

The State Government has announced restrictions on the amount of alcohol West Australians will be allowed to buy to try amid coronavirus panic-buying.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Like any good Florida story, this one begins with a naked couple brawling inside a car parked at the mall.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HEY, THEY WEREN'T USING THEM

Man charged after breaking into parent’s home, stealing meatballs

(Thanks to pharmaross)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULD NOT POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE

Peeps manufacturer shutting down production amid coronavirus outbreak

(Thanks to Sandi K)