Dave Barry's Blog

MEANWHILE IN KURRI KURRI:

It’s Mulletfest!

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

BECAUSE WE, AS A NATION, ARE NOT FAT ENOUGH

The Bagelrito.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BRILLIANT

A deputy and his K9 partner, while searching the property, found Buchler throwing dirt on himself, in an effort to hide by burying himself in a nest for a gopher tortoise.

Unfortunately: It's against the law in Florida to mess with the nest of a gopher tortoise as they are a threatened species.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY TOURED WITH THE BYRDS

Opium-Addicted Parrots Keep Raiding Poppy Farms in India

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “Polly want a fix.”)

GUYS IN ACTION ON A FLOE

Two beefy dudes shadowboxing on a patch of ice floating in Lake Michigan in February.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PREDICTED LIFESPAN ON THE STREETS OF MIAMI: 12 MINUTES

This tiny electric car looks like a washing machine and costs just $6,600

(Thanks to Steve K.)

SURELY THERE IS A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

What Were 29 Exotic Snakes Doing in a U.K. Trash Bin?

(Thanks To Susie Q Wacvet)

CSI: YPSILANTI

The victim told officers an acquaintance of his took his shoes off his feet and, instead of handing them back or putting them back on, just walked away with them, police said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

Etch-A-Sketch Unveils New Model That Can Draw Circles

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE’RE GONNA NEED MORE... YOGURT-EATERS

Estimated 40,000 lbs of yogurt spilled in I-86 collision

(Thanks to pharmaross)

‘EPIC’ IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE IT

'It’s an epic prank': Fake Wienermobile ad goes viral in Calgary

(Thanks to Roberto)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Venomous snake found hiding behind family's toaster

(Thanks to Bob Brogan, who says "becoming tedious.")

HAR

Marijuana in bra leads to bigger bust

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

You know Dad wants one.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman and Ralph)

OK, THEN

Pink unicorn caught on video snow blowing South Lyon driveway

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Geoff Scott, who says "How to tell Michigan winters are too long...or you are downwind from a Marijuana facility.")

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Disney World Jungle Cruise Boat Sinks with Passengers on Board in Mid-Ride Mishap

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Rick Day, Sharon Chapman, Dave N. and pharmaross)

FIENDISH

Police allege the man walked up to the counter, placed a rubber chicken over the donation box and then left the business with both.

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

MARK YOUR CALENDARS

Banana throwing man warned not to do it again for six months

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE COMPLETE PACKAGE

A Florida man who repeatedly showed guests at an IHOP condoms as he tried to get them to look at his genitals stole doughnuts hours after he was released from jail, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OHIO: STATE OF DIVERSITY

Sex with animals is illegal in Ohio — except for these 8 counties

(Thanks to Joeage)

ASIAN CUISINE REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Asian Cuisine Report.

(Thanks to Bruce McIntyre)

UPDATE

LAPD Pursuit With Stolen Hearse Ends In Wreck On South LA Freeway; Casket, Body Found Inside

(Thanks to John Criswell and pharmaross)

YES

Air New Zealand to test out bunk beds in economy class

(Thanks to The Perts)

NO WOMAN CAN RESIST

Woman Gives Her Number To A Guy On Tinder, Gets Pleasantly Surprised When He Starts Sending Her Photos Of His Rocks

(Thanks to John Lobert)

EVERY PARENT CAN RELATE

Mum does the school run and realises she left her children at home

(Thanks to John Lobert)

GUESS THE STATE

Man Arrested For Cow Manure Battery

(Thanks to David Zeppieri, John Criswell, Barry Nester, Mark Schlesinger, pharmaross, Al Barkafski and Roberto)

To clarify: He allegedly committed the battery with the cow manure, not on it.

‘MONTY PYTHON’

Pet snake swallows an entire beach towel

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

EW

Seriously, ew.

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says “Now with added protein!”)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY FUNERAL

Hearse with body inside stolen from Southern California church

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE GOLDEN YEARS, DUDE

Marijuana use among older Americans up 75% in 4 years

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE’D OBJECT, BUT THAT WOULD BE TOO MUCH WORK

Study: Miami & Hialeah Ranked As Two of Country’s Least Hardest-Working Cities

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

4:15 p.m. A Kalispell woman was sitting on a park bench watching her kids play while drinking a beer out of an Arby’s cup

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the squirrels are attacking law enforcement with turkeys.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IF THEY DO, WE’RE DOOMED

Do farts spread novel coronavirus?

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS THE STATE

A man had been seen driving a blue Jaguar recklessly while he had a needle in his arm.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Related Incident, Incredibly NOT in Florida: Officers observed the woman driving along the Hume Fwy, allegedly steering with her knees while holding a plate in one hand and a fork in the other.

(Thanks to Fabian Matson, who says “In Florida, she would be a driving instructor.”)

SUNSHINE STATE HEALTHCARE UPDATE

Fort Myers hospital worker accused of sucking patient's toes

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ATTENTION, ACADEMY AWARDS VOTERS

Terrific stop motion animation made from pancakes

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN IT?

Dozens of people have been injured in the annual ‘exploding hammer’ festival in Mexico.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Should be called “Guys in Action Festival.”)

IT CAN TRASH A HOTEL ROOM FOUR TIMES AS FAST AS A HUMAN

Shimon the singer-songwriter robot to launch first album and tour

(Thanks to Ben Cunningham)

 

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

If you drive an expensive car you're probably a jerk, scientists say

(Thanks to Bobby Grawl)

SEND THIS WOMAN, AND THE POSSUM, TO WASHINGTON

A woman performed a spiritual ritual on a dead possum in the road, demanding it 'repent,' Waukesha police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SHE HAD NO CHOICE

Woman fires shot into Taco Bell after becoming upset over order

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU AND YOUR COUSIN’S PANTS ARE FREE TO GO

Wyandotte man found with heroin, fentanyl says he borrowed pants from his cousin

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

11:27 p.m. There was a man sitting in a baseball field in the dark.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE SAW FEISTY BABY OPEN FOR STING

Feisty baby stares down doctors seconds after birth

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY NEED TO DO THIS FOR THE DEBATES

TV reporter accidentally turns mask filter on before going live in NC, video shows

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT’S HAPPENING IN MEN’S FASHION?

Don’t ask.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IT WAS A LOVELY AFFAIR, AS FAR AS ANYBODY CAN REMEMBER

Weed-loving couple have cannabis-themed wedding including special wedding bong

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “I now pronounce you Dude and Dudette.”)

WE’RE NUMBER TWO

Why America Is Losing The Toilet Race

(Thanks to pharmaross, who notes that America is “behind.”)

MAYBE HE WAS GOING TO THE MOVIES

New Jersey man used fake $100 bill with ‘For Motion Picture Use Only’ on it to pay clerk at gas station

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and pharmaross)