Dave Barry's Blog

SUPER BOWL UPDATE

During Super Bowl week, Miami is Glamor Central.

 

 

IT WAS REALLY HIS ONLY OPTION

Clearwater man upset over dentures threatened to shoot up dentist’s office, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Bumblebee Vomit: Scientists Are No Longer Ignoring It

(Thanks to Alkali Bill, who says he saw them open for Adam Ant)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SET FIRE TO THE BILL OF RIGHTS

Man arrested after walking two mules on roadway in Paso Robles

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Get your ass out of the way.")

YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS GAVE THE ORDER

Man plowed over by deer in McDonald’s parking lot

(Thanks to pharmaross)

INCREDIBLY, THERE WAS NO ELVIS INVOLVEMENT

Costumed Minnie Mouse pummels Vegas security guard in wild beatdown

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

'IS THAT A FLORIDA LICENSE PLATE?'

Maniacs Driving With ATV On Top Of Car

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ATTENTION, NICOLAS CAGE

Man found guilty of trying to steal Magna Carta

(Thanks to Howard from Broward, who says "To sell it on eBay?")

CLASSY

Hamilton bar pulls Corona-coronavirus promotion

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE PERFECT CRIME

Deputies said a man walked into a McDonald’s in Kissimmee on Sunday night wearing an employee uniform, walked behind a cash register and helped another man place an order.

Seconds later, the cash register drawer opened, and surveillance footage showed the man posing as a worker grab some cash before running out one door of the restaurant, while the other man ran out of the other door.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE HAS OUR VOTE

N.J. mayor admits drinking too much at party, passing out without pants in township employee’s bed, report says

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW EOO OPEN FOR ELO

'Extremely obese' owl sheds some pounds after being too fat to fly

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

JUST COFFEE FOR US, THANKS

A Realistic Hercules Beetle Larva Cake

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FINANCIALLY, THESE DRIVERS WILL COME OUT AHEAD

Drivers attempting to get to the Borgata Hotel using Waze directions have had their cars stuck in the sand at Colliers Mills Wildlife Management Area, near Lake Success instead, almost 45 miles away from the casino, Parise told CNN.

(Thanks to Dave N.)

 

CSI: BAILEYTON, AL.

Cullman County town fighting toilet paper thieves with cameras

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FROZEN DOG SEMEN UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Frozen Dog Semen Update.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

People look for tits and finches across the UK for the Big Garden Birdwatch

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE HAVE A LOT ON OUR MINDS

Experts Conclude Husbands Are All Taking Way Too Long to Poop

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Homeowner calls 911 after finding six-foot snake hiding in couch

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDA PARENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Florida mom was getaway driver for 15-year-old son in armed robbery, deputies say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SUPER BOWL UPDATE

Here's my detailed technical analysis of the Super Bowl teams. Apparently there are two of them.

'I BARELY FART'

Wendy Williams Addresses 'FartGate'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THAT'S A LOT OF SEIZING

Chinese authorities seize 12 tons of beaver penises smuggled from Canada

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

COME AGAIN?

Large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking east-bound lane Highway 145 mm78 at Silverpick Rd.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HERESY

Oscar Mayer Wienermobile Pulled Over In Wisconsin

(Thanks to pharmaross, Bill Carver, Kevin Meerschaert, Rod Nunley, MOTW, Ranald Adams, Iceman and Nancy Gill)

ATTENTION, FARMERS INSURANCE

Firefighters smash minivan’s windows, run hose through front seats to reach hydrant

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE IS WELCOME ON THE SKI SLOPES OF FLORIDA

Man Arrested For DUI After Trying To Drive Up Vermont Ski Slope

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'LED OUT OF THE COURTROOM THROUGH A SMALL CLOUD OF SMOKE'

The inmate, Spencer Alan Boston, appeared in court on a marijuana possession charge. He appeared in court Monday, and the sheriff says the Boston approached the bench to discuss his sentence and that's when Boston pulled the marijuana from his pocket in front of the general sessions judge.

Dude.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Kevin Smith and Doug Ogg)

WHAT MANNEQUIN, OFFICER?

Man Carrying Stolen Mannequin Arrested for Burglarizing Arcata Plaza Storefront

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

MIDWEST BUSINESS REPORT

Unfortunately this blog's strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Midwest Business Report.

(Thanks to David Clausing, who says "They may have opened for the Spice Girls.")

AND IN SPORTS

Their most successful endeavour yet occurred earlier this month, when a pack of eight dogs managed to kill no less than 730 rats in only seven hours.

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

USUALLY WE TELL MEN NOT TO CLICK ON CERTAIN ITEMS

This time we're telling women: Do not click here.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Chipata police arrest Mungomba Ngoma for threatening to shoot a PF member in the buttocks

Manila Mayor Francisco “Isko” Domagoso ordered authorities on Sunday to find a Chinese national who allegedly defecated in a large flower pot within the historic Intramuros district.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Rhode Island man accidentally shot himself in the scrotum while in bed

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THERE'S ALSO NO NEED TO GET ANYWHERE NEAR AUSTRALIA

Walking sharks discovered near Australia but there's no need to head for the hills

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Florida woman arrested for asking 911 how to file for divorce

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner and pharmaross)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

2:53 p.m. A Kalispell man reported that one of his enemies had walked into the store he was in. Upon further investigation, it was just someone who looked like one of his enemies.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

SO HOW WAS *YOUR* NIGHT?

Man Rescued From Inside Garbage Truck After Being Expelled From Dumpster He Was Sleeping In

(Thanks to John Lobert)

SOUNDS TOTALLY LEGIT

At the police station, Dube said he was smoking a cigarette alone outside of a Radcliffe Street residence and had his pants down, but he did not expose himself, police wrote in court papers. A few minutes later, he recalled applying lotion to his groin area while along Radcliffe Street on January 12 as a woman walked past. He blamed the need for lotion on the fact his testicles were raw, police said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT THEM

Jewelry store owner uses pickle jars to attack robbers

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SPORT PACKAGE

Thai officials accidentally auction off car loaded with amphetamine

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and pharmaross)

BOLO

What could have degenerated into ethnic and religious crisis was averted in Umuahia, the Abia State capital as a tiger-nut customer raises alarm over the sudden disappearance of his male genitalia.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BECAUSE THEY CARE

Terrorist group al Shabaab has banned single-use plastic bags.

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

WE MIGHT AS WELL TEAR UP THE VIETNAMESE CONSTITUTION, ASSUMING THERE IS ONE

Vietnamese police fine men filmed showering on moving motorbike

They are welcome to engage in motorized hygiene practices on the streets of Miami.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PREDESTINED

JANUARY 24--A Florida Man named Walter White was arrested Wednesday and charged with violating terms of a probation sentence he received last month following his conviction on a felony methamphetamine charge, records show.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING, DUDE?

Didn’t take long for someone to pilfer weed from a bin placed at Midway for travelers to ditch their stash

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A man dressed in an Easter Bunny costume was arrested last Thursday after he attempted to evade deputies following a hit-and-run crash in Seminole County, the Florida Highway Patrol said.

(Thanks to Ralph and Suzie Q Wacvet)

IT'S TIME FOR A STAR-STUDDED BENEFIT CONCERT

Eighteen years after their dedication, Dave Barry sewage pumps need work

(Thanks to Doug in Sacramento)

JUST RICE FOR US, THANKS

Revolting video shows woman devouring bat amid coronavirus outbreak

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GUYS IN ACTION

A St. Petersburg man was arrested Tuesday morning for setting fire inside his apartment to stay warm.

(Thanks to pharmaross)