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November 25, 2019

HALLELUJAH

The Skywhale is returning.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Alaska man arrested after drugs found in spoiled goat guts

(Thanks to John Lobert, Barry Nester and Ralph)

JOURNALISM MOTTO:

"Eventually, we usually get it right, sometimes."

(Thanks to Linda Schutjer)

NATURE IS WEIRD AND EVIL

First the Worm Gets in the Bug’s Head. Then the Bug Drowns Itself.

(Thanks to Steve K., who says "Now I can't stop thinking of Barry Manilow, and don't anybody start humming anything.")

ALSO IN SPORTS

Rocket City Trash Pandas announce mini-season ticket plans

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

AND IN SPORTS

LeBron James farts at fans after they ask for his autograph

(Thanks to pharmaross, Hayseed Tom, Rid Nunley and Doug Ogg)

FOR THE KIDS WHO'VE BEEN NAUGHTY

No sooner did the paper hit the stands, than the fallout began for our Downtown Courtenay Business Improvement Association ad promoting the events of Sunday, Dec. 1, stating “Pictures with Satan” would be available at 11:15.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEN:

Never, ever, click on this.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w and Doug Ogg)

ALWAYS KEEP SOME WITH YOU

She says, once the suspect was injured, she ran and grabbed a bottle of shampoo – and started pouring it on him.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BOLO

15 tons of sweet potatoes stolen in rural Japan

(Thanks to Ralph)

November 24, 2019

THE REMAINDERS AT THE MIAMI BOOK FAIR

Some of the Rock Bottom Remainders performed Saturday night at the Miami Book Fair, and to say we rocked the house would be a grammatically complete sentence. Shown from left in the photo below (thanks to Lisa Napoli) are Sam Barry on keyboard; Leonard Pitts, Alan Zweibel and Scott Turow on silent backup vocals near a microphone; Josh Kelly on drums; Greg Iles on lead guitar; Carl Hiaasen on hiding-behind-the-other-guitarists guitar; Ridley Pearson on bass; Erasmo Paolo on saxophone and leaping around energetically; and me on non-lead guitar. Not shown, but lurking somewhere in the background, is Tim Dorsey on cowbell. Some of us are wearing T-shirts for an imaginary band called "Carl and the Catheters," featuring a photo of Carl Hiaasen; the entire purpose of these T-shirts was to embarrass Carl, and they succeeded.

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AND THEY ARE 100 PERCENT CORRECT

65% of Americans believe they have above-average intelligence.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IMAGINE WHAT THE WIENERMOBILE WOULD FETCH

State Trooper Stops Banana Car Driver, Gives Him $20 Instead of a Ticket

(Thanks to pharmaross, Doug Ogg, Nelson from Michigan and Rod Nunley)

YOU REGULAR BLOG READERS KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO CLICK AND FIND OUT WHY

Man complains of headaches

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

After driving his car into a ditch, an Illinois man who reeked of booze explained to police that the reason they smelled alcohol on his breath was because he had “been making out with his girlfriend this evening and she had been drinking.”

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

America Has 40 Million Pounds of Unused Bacon in Reserve

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says "We're going to need more lettuce and tomato.")

November 22, 2019

OOPS

Tesla claimed its pickup truck was ‘bulletproof’ — then smashed its windows with a metal ball

That truck can probably deflect bullets with sheer ugliness.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

TOTALLY LEGAL IN FLORIDA

Chippewa Falls police arrest man for 4th OWI, discover his license plates are made from beer case

(Thanks to Ralph)

IS ANYBODY REALLY SURPRISED?

Dog in Florida caught on camera behind the wheel of owner's car, doing donuts

As If It Didn't Already Have One: "And when the cops got the door open a black dog jumped out I was like, they should give that thing a license," Sabol said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE 911

Woman calls 911 to ask for police escort to train station

(Thanks to The Perts)

EW

A man who suffered from a constant nosebleed was shocked to find a 3ins leech had been living in his nose for half a month.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WE'RE PROUD TO KNOW THE MAN

Stephen King to be made into Funko Pop figurines

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(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

NOTHING SAYS 'THE BIRTH OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR' LIKE A GIANT SKIING MARMOT

Town's Christmas display splits opinion with giant skiing marmot

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

HEY, IT WORKS FOR SUPERMAN

A robbery suspect in England thought he could evade authorities with a new look: a pair of glasses.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and John Lobert, who says "I personally was fooled.")

NEXT HE'LL BE WORKING ON THE DAM

Man Helps Beaver Carry Large Branch Across Road

(Thanks to John Lobert)

LADIES, WE'RE JUST SAYING

Semen seems to help female fruit flies remember things better

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEDICAL CAREGIVER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Talk about going above and beyond.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Stan Ruth)

GUESS THE STATE

A 73-year-old man wearing a "Make America Great Again" shirt told a bank teller he was robbing that he gave him too much money, deputies said.

WTF: "I will make this easy," Hawkins told detectives during an interview. Detectives said Hawkins removed a tattered bank deposit slip from his pocket with a handwritten note that read, "Give me $1,100. Now, No Alarms, Hope to get caught."

(Thanks to pharmaross, MOTW, Fabian Marson, Steve Heller and Emily, Leslie and w)

MEANWHILE IN THE ONGOING FLATHEAD COUNTY CRIME WAVE

2:25 p.m. A cow was standing in the middle of the road in Bigfork.

(Thanks to bob Brogan)

GUYS

They're all the same.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

November 21, 2019

WHEREAS BIBLICAL SCHOLARS BELIEVE HE WAS CLOSER TO BARRY MANILOW

Church builds huge baby Jesus statue — that looks like Phil Collins

(Thanks to Ralph)

'YOUNG PEOPLE NOWADAYS DON'T CARE MUCH ABOUT THE PRIVACY'

A Japanese hotel offers a room that costs only $1 per night, but there's a catch -- the guest's entire stay is livestreamed on YouTube.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan, who says "If they like snoring...")

'IT WAS SO LONG AGO'

Studio exec wanted Julia Roberts to play Harriet Tubman: screenwriter

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'TOURSTS' IS THE POLITE WORD FOR THESE PEOPLE

Tourists have queued up at a zoo in China to sniff droppings from giant pandas.

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

HIS NATURAL HABITAT

POLICE USE STUN GUNS TO EXTRACT FLORIDA MAN FROM WALMART CEILING

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

EMPTY YOUR BATHING SUITS, PEOPLE. FOR THE WORLD.

Why the world is running out of sand

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

PLANNING A BARBECUE?

You'll need sauce.

(Thanks to bayou girl)

BAD FIRULAIS!

Bored Dog Tried To Eat A $250,000 Porsche

(Thanks to John Lobert)

November 20, 2019

IT PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Relatives bring family member's CORPSE into insurance firm's office after the company demanded they prove he was dead

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Florida man had meth 'wedged deep within' belly button, cops say

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WEEZER

A million faulty condoms recalled in Uganda

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

YES, THAT WOULD HELP

A boy in southern India is certainly breathing easier after a doctor managed to remove a live fish from his nose.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOUNDS LEGIT

Homeowner says he lost a 500-pound emerald worth $280 million in California wildfire.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

UM, GREAT

First male birth control injection almost ready for penises

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Le Petomane)

PRACTICAL!

The 135-mph tractor.

(Thanks to Dave N.)

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

The man whose duvet nearly killed him

(Thanks to Steve K., who says "Those things should not be in civilian hands.")

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Scientists develop slippery toilet coating to stop poo sticking

(Thanks to many people)

November 19, 2019

NORTH CAROLINA TACKLES THE ISSUES

Group hopes to prevent “opossum dropping” on New Year’s Eve

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN OTHER TOILET NEWS

Yodel delivery driver leaves bluetooth speakers in the toilet

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETINNNNNNNNN

Cape Coral woman finds frog in toilet

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

 
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