Dave Barry's Blog

THE FLORIDA STATE FLOWER SHOULD BE IMPATIENS

The Florida Highway Patrol is still searching for a driver that rammed a woman in her car multiple times after becoming upset it took her so long to dig for change at the toll booth.

Florida man punched over taking too long in bathroom

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR PHISH

Falling walleye causes power outage in North Bay

(Thanks to Ralph)

THERE’S A LOT OF DEMAND

Cleveland Vibrator Co. announces plans to move headquarters to larger facility

(Thanks to Chris)

‘WE GOT HIGH TOGETHER’

Wrong number leads to hilarious text exchange with police officer

(Thanks to Azaliah Yadinah, who says “You have the right to become silent.”)

THEN THEY WENT FOR PIZZA

A herd of spotted cows made a late-night visit to Spotted Cow brewery

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Allen at Division)

TOTALLY WARRANTED

7:35 p.m. A Kalispell man was screaming at his new neighbors. His core complaint with his new neighbors was that they were from New York.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, Roberto and pharmaross)

WE’VE CONSIDERED THIS IN THE SMALL WORLD RIDE

A man took LSD and fell in a lake at Disneyland Paris. He was found naked and confused hours later.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill, pharmaross and Doug Ogg)

STRUMPDATE

Today, along with many other world leaders, I am in New York City to celebrate the publication date of A Field Guide to the Jewish People, a book I co-wrote with my friends Adam Mansbach and Alan Zweibel, who are actually Jewish. Tonight at 7:30 the three of us will be talking about the book at the 92nd Street Y. Tomorrow night at 7:30 Adam and I  will be in Huntington to appear at the Long Island Litfest. Thursday at 7:30 all three of us will be at the Marcus JCC in Atlanta. So come out and see us already! Don’t be a schmuck! Oh vey! Etc.! 

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED

This giant 12-ton fighting robot is on sale for $1

(Thanks to John Gregg)

JUSTICE AT LAST

German court rules hangovers are an 'illness'

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, pharmaross, Doug Ogg and Emily, Leslie and w)

NOW WITH ADDED CHEWINESS!

Dubai responds to rumours of rubber in chicken nuggets

(Thanks to Ashe Scheiner)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Dry shampoo can explodes and shatters car's sunroof

(Thanks to Steve K)

CLEARLY THE RESULT OF RADIO STATIONS PLAYING ‘COPACABANA’

Something in the universe is killing off entire galaxies

(Thanks to DaninDallas, whose theory is “It’s the squirrels.”)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Pumpkin Spice Spam sells out in 7 hours

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALWAYS CARRY ONE

Man's 'attempted robbery' of Northland dairy stopped by fog cannon

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

UPDATE

Gujarat 'fart competition' fails as no one passes wind

(Thanks to Ralph)

HE’S OBVIOUSLY VERY REGRETFUL

Florida man leads police on 15 mph chase, gets his fifth DUI

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ron G)

A SQUIRREL! OY VEY!

'Yiddish for Dogs' class held in Central Park

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Bob Brogan)

FRANCE ON HIGHEST ALERT

Walruses Have Attacked And Sunk a Russian Navy Boat in The Arctic

(Thanks to Geoff, DaninDallas, Kevin Meerschaert and JuniGrrl, who says “We all know who’s behind this.”)

WHERE ELSE WAS HE SUPPOSED TO PUT THEM?

Florida man found with 43 turtles inside Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle backpack

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CSI: NEBRASKA

Omaha police investigate 'assault with a banana'

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEN

Do NOT click here.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TEAMMATE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Rutgers quarterback receives celebratory punch in the face after touchdown pass

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Authorities said in an attempt to save herself, the woman bit the testicles of the camel so it would jump off of her.

A more detailed account is here, featuring a defense of the camel.

(Thanks to Ralph, Bill Hudgins, pharmaross, Alkali Bill, Steve Pudlo, Janice Gelb, Brian Peterson and Allen at Division)

TRAGICALLY, IT WAS FOR BUSCH LIGHT

A football fan who held up a sign requesting beer money in the background of an ESPN broadcast said he ended up raising more then $20,000.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

SEEMS LEGIT

California woman caught pushing $6,000 worth of stolen quarters in baby stroller, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross and Doug Ogg)

IT’S BASICALLY A BATHROOM BREAK

The International Space Station will be visible for 17 minutes this weekend in Cincinnati

(Thanks to Susie Q Wacvet)

THIS IS BRILLI... WE MEAN, VERY BAD

A Texas man is wanted by authorities for divorcing his wife — apparently without her knowledge.

(Thanks to Roberto and pharmaross)

IT WAS THE MOST DIRECT ROUTE TO FLORIDA

Video shows black SUV driving inside Chicago area Mall, suspect in custody

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS IS STANDARD IRS PROCEDURE

The investigation began Sept. 4 when a victim received a call from a person impersonating the IRS. The caller asked the victim to pay $2,200 in Target gift cards.

(Thanks to man tom)

WE TOTALLY BELIEVE HER

Suspected drunken driver claims squirrel forced her off Oregon cliff, authorities say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE ARRR MAKING A DIFFERENCE, PEOPLE

Here's Jimmy Kimmel on the impact of Talk Like a Pirate Day.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS IS -- SERIOUSLY -- THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE MARLINS' SEASON

Miami Marlins' Austin Dean shows off dead aim in delivering perfect throw at fans' beer can pyramid

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

'HE'S SCARED. I DIDN'T KNOW WHO TO CALL.'

Raccoon takes wild ride on Wonder Bread truck for 16 miles in Florida

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Of course, he does have a valid Florida license.")

'NOT THE CLOSE ENCOUNTER PEOPLE HAD IN MIND'

Cow, car collide on Nevada's 'Extraterrestrial Highway' near 'Storm Area 51' events

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

THIS WILL NOT END WELL

Antarctica scientists find bizarre creature 3,500m under ice: ‘Like nothing seen before'

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

CANADA: A NATION OUT OF CONTROL

Brandon police find intoxicated man covered in nachos and cheese, discover warrant for sexual assault

(Thanks to The Perts)

AS VEGAS AS VEGAS GETS

Dwarf porn star jailed in Las Vegas, accused of stabbing boyfriend

(Thanks to James Flynn and pharmaross) (And Jeff Meyerson, he claims)

SHE AROUSED SUSPICION

A woman bicycling topless down the center of U.S. Highway 98 on Okaloosa Island turned out to be a shoplifting suspect fleeing the scene of a crime, according to the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office.

“When a deputy pulled alongside and told her to stop, the woman replied ‘Make me,’ ” the news release said.

You know the state.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ATTENTION, GUINNESS WORLD-RECORD JUDGES

Returning prisoner caught with four mobile phones hidden in rectum

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AN OUTRAGE, DUDE

A pot product was recalled because it won't get you high enough

(Thanks to Ralph)

EVIDENTLY THEY DID NOT LIKE IT

A man has been ordered to carry out unpaid work after he farted at police during a strip search, telling them: “How do you like that?”

(Thanks to Ralph)

CELEBRATION TIME

Women can now legally go topless in Utah, 5 other states, after federal ruling

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and pharmaross)

A DREAM COME TRUE

Man will finally drink 'Sourtoe Cocktail' containing his own amputated toe

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

IT WAS A CONSENTING CONE

Man caught performing sex act on cleaning cone at Wigan train station

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHY THE HELL NOT?

We demand the United States annex the Moon as the 51st state.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

BOLO-BELOW

The Florida International University Police Department said a man has been crawling underneath tables at the FIU Library to take a whiff at feet.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guy Fakes Walking on the Moon in Protest of Giant Potholes on the Road

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NIVEAU D'ALERTE: EXTRÊMEMENT ÉLEVÉ

Residents of a French town were treated to unusual spectacle Wednesday morning when a loose black panther went for a walk across local rooftops.

(Grâce à Ralph)