Dave Barry's Blog

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOWS AND GO

Driver stopped by cops said he was speeding because of passengers FARTING

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

A man bearing a strong resemblance to Elvis Presley has been accused of stealing a fake vagina from a New Zealand sex shop, prompting a police investigation.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Doug Ogg)

THE NEWS FROM THE NETHERLANDS

All we know for sure is that they're protecting the identity of the bird.

(Thanks Dave N.)

THE NEWS FROM WORCESTERSHIRE

Four hundred and thirty-three people named Nigel converged on a Worcestershire pub on Sunday to “celebrate Nigelness”.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg, John Lobert and Allen at Division)

AND A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Scientists discover a worm that has three sexes and a pouch like a kangaroo's

(Thanks to pharmaross and Le Petomane)

BOLO

Thieves make off with a load of ‘bull penises’ from pet store

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

AND IN SPORTS

“It’s Patriots week,” said Bills chief administrative officer Dave Wheat, “and that we have to contemplate if some fan is going throw a dildo on the field is ridiculous.”

(Thanks to John W)

'SUSPECTED OF STALKING'

Man leads police on chase through Northern California corn maze

(Thanks to Doug Ogg, Ralph and pharmaross)

'TRENDY' IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE THEM

The hottest new psychedelic drug among trendy New Yorkers is illegal toad venom

(Thanks to Alkali Bill and pharmaross)

Related: Teenage dolphins 'get high on puffer fish poison for fun' according to BBC doc

(Thanks to Ralph)

TO YOU BLOGSTERS WHO ARE OF THE TRIBE:

L'shana Tovah, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

CSI: FENTON, MICHIGAN

Deer breaks into home, refuses to leave bathtub

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

'YOU KNOW ABOUT THE 5G, RIGHT? YOU CAN HEAR IT. I KNOW YOU CAN.'

The man who's charged with shooting marbles and rocks into his neighbor's home and camper told Tacoma police officers he'd been awake for three weeks and took a "fighting stance" against his cat when it rubbed against his leg.

(Thanks to B'game)

MAYBE IT WAS GOING TO BE THE 'SOMETHING BORROWED'

RCMP arrest groom for allegedly stealing bike en route to wedding reception

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'I TOOK A SECOND LOOK BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I WAS SEEING'

Sunday morning shoppers in the New Zealand city of Auckland caught glimpses of the unexpected when a store’s promotional screen played pornography over several hours.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Too much exercise could lead to you making bad decisions, study finds

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY FUNERAL

Burial of a 21-year-old Sakubva man was delayed for more than five hours as relatives quarrelled and exchanged blows over his wife’s undergarment that had been placed in his coffin last Thursday at Yoevil cemetery in Mutare.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUTTOCKS IN THE NEWS

Officer shoots himself in buttocks

The report states that, as Matthews walked away, he dropped his pants, bent over and grabbed his buttocks, though the complainant said he appeared to keep his underwear on.

Man flags down police after suffering gunshot wound to buttocks

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I'M MADE'

Man accused of shoplifting but suspicious bulge in his trousers was just his 10in penis

He certainly seems upset about attracting all this attention.

(Thanks to many, many people)

WE MIGHT AS WELL TEAR UP THE CONSTITUTION

A Brooklyn, N.Y., man, previously arrested for stealing beer and ravioli from a local supermarket, was arrested again after police found him sleeping outside a deli wearing nothing but a hot pink thong.

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert, pharmaross and DaninDallas)

HOW CLOSE IS THE APOCALYPSE?

Very.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HO HO. NO, SORRY, WE MEAN BOLO.

A Pennsylvania police department is searching for the thief who swiped a speed enforcement device — while officers were using it to catch speeders.

(Thanks to Maryann)

YIKES

Welcome Home!: Snake Greets Woman At Door With An Attempted Stike

This woman has excellent reflexes.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FASHION OUTLOOK

You don't want to know.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

CAN THEY DO THIS FOR PEOPLE WITH B.O.?

A child icon will automatically pop up to alert passengers to where a child between eight days and two years old is seated

(Thanks to The Perts)

HOW SLOW A NEWS DAY WAS IT IN CAMBRIDGE?

Very.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ATTENTION, BARGAIN-HUNTERS:

Brazil's Ministry of Defense has reportedly begun the process of auctioning off its retired aircraft carrier, the ex-São Paulo, with bids starting at $1.275 million, roughly a tenth of what the country paid to buy the ship from France nearly two decades ago.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IDAHO: STATE OF TERROR

McCall Police crack down on city-wide TP'ing spree

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM...

Police: Woman walked along Charlotte Pike completely nude "because it's hot"

(Thanks to pharmaross and Jeff Meyerson)

‘THERE’S A CLEAR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO’

'Bong' misheard as 'bomb' prompts evacuation at Florida high school

(Thanks to pharmaross)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

A South Korean mayor who dumped a tonne of trash on a clean beach to give environmental campaigners something to pick up has said sorry for his deception.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

ATTENTION, BUYERS SEEKING BUOY BARGAINS:

Here you go.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

THE VERY DEFINITION OF NEWS

Man bites police dog during arrest

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ALTHOUGH IT DOES POSSES A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER’S LICENSE

A large shark fin spotted in the waters of a Tampa Bay-area beach has been declared man-made after footage was reviewed by fish and wildlife officials.

(Thanks to EricY)

AND IN SPORTS

A referee was shot by a cannon during a Maine Maritime Academy football game

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A SMOOTH FLIGHT

Flight diverted to Denver after passenger stuck in bathroom

(Thanks to EricY)

IT HAS OUR VOTE

A Florida woman wants a turtle to be mayor of Clearwater. She’s not kidding.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Le Petomane and pharmaross)

CRIME OF THE CENTURY SO FAR

50,000 Apples Stolen From Northwest Indiana Orchard

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THIS IS JUST SAD

Tampa stakes claims to Cuban sandwich

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THEY’LL TRY ANYTHING

911 caller says squirrel followed her, tugged on her pants seeking help, Va. cops say

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

SEND THIS LAWYER TO WASHINGTON

Lawyer dumps human feces on steps of Las Vegas City Hall

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SIX OF ONE

Couple expecting dress get package full of ecstasy instead

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY SHOULD CARRY EXTENSION CORDS

California police officer must call off chase after Tesla patrol car's battery runs low

(Thanks to John Criswell, Rod Nunley and Asher Scheiner)

AT THE BOTTOM OF EVERY ONE WERE THE WORDS ‘GO PAPERLESS!’

Health Care Company Sends Woman Over 500 Letters In 5 Days

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

Man throws tortilla 54 feet, 5 inches to break world record

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

IN THAT CASE, DUDE, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

MAN CAUGHT DRIVING WITH 1000 MARIJUANA PLANTS IN HIS VAN TOLD POLICE THEY WERE 'PEPPERMINT'

(Thanks to Rick Day)

‘THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE USE OF OUR 999 LINE’

A man suspected of repeatedly calling police on 999 and burping down the telephone at the emergency call handler has been arrested.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HE WAS ‘STRONGLY ENCOURAGED TO MAKE OTHER TRANSPORTATION ARRANGEMENTS’

Person planning to float to Kentucky on log rescued from Mississippi River

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE’RE GONNA NEED MORE BACON

Over 136K eggs fall off semitrailer onto roadway

(Thanks to Le Petomane, pharmaross and Bill Hudgins, who says “Emergency teams scrambled.”)

STRUMPDATE

Alan Zweibel, Adam Mansbach and I had a great time last night at the 92nd Street Y in NYC talking with The hilarious Judy Gold about our new book, “A Field Guide to the Jewish People.” Here Adam and I are enjoying something Judy said while Alan, as is his wont, struggles to comprehend what is going on.

PHOTO CREDIT: Andrea Klerides / Michael Priest Photography

GUYS IN ACTION

German man douses fire with beer

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and pharmaross)