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September 20, 2019

IT WAS A CONSENTING CONE

Man caught performing sex act on cleaning cone at Wigan train station

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHY THE HELL NOT?

We demand the United States annex the Moon as the 51st state.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

BOLO-BELOW

The Florida International University Police Department said a man has been crawling underneath tables at the FIU Library to take a whiff at feet.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guy Fakes Walking on the Moon in Protest of Giant Potholes on the Road

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NIVEAU D'ALERTE: EXTRÊMEMENT ÉLEVÉ

Residents of a French town were treated to unusual spectacle Wednesday morning when a loose black panther went for a walk across local rooftops.

(Grâce à Ralph)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

A fisherman has reeled in a bizarre “dinosaur-like” fish with gigantic eyes from the dark depths of the Norwegian Sea.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

September 19, 2019

THIS BE WHY THEY MAKE BEER, ME HEARTIES

Can you get cancer from tap water? New study says even 'safe' drinking water poses risk

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

IT'S PARRRT OF THE JOB

A former aide to an upstate legislator has filed a human rights complaint accusing his boss of ordering him to wear a leprechaun costume and pull a candy wagon in a parade, according to a report.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

SOLID ARRRGUMENT

Attorneys for a Mexican migrant who assaulted a Laredo Sector Border Patrol agent told the court he believed the agent was a cow at the time. He assaulted the agent with a flashlight.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

DARRRRN

UAB AD Mark Ingram quickly learned that bringing a Komodo dragon to campus was a bad idea

“They said, ‘They spit at their prey and the spit causes paralysis. So, you know, they can go and eat it.’ I said, ‘So this is a bad idea is what you’re saying?’

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CRISIS IN ARRRGENTINA

Argentina crisis deflates condom sales as costs rise

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Rod Nunley)

STAND TALL, FARRRMINGTION HILLS

A Guinness World Record attempt for the world's largest ball of lint will take place Thursday in Farmington HIlls.

(Thanks to pharrrrmaross and Nelson from Michigan)

ASIDE FROM THAT, SHE BE A FINE SEAWARRRTHY SHIP

A new, Spanish-designed submarine has a weighty problem: The vessel is more than 70 tons too heavy, and officials fear if it goes out to sea, it will not be able to surface.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

SMARRRRT

Man installs 'fridge safe' to stop girlfriend eating his snacks

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT HAD A FLARRRRIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Police were called to a California home. They found a mountain lion trapped in the bathroom.

(Thanks to Steve K and The Perts)

GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE, ME HEARTIES

Cowdray Park residents have  been plunged into fear and shock after mysterious beings  believed to be goblins struck their window panes and asbestos roofing sheets during the night, leaving a trail of destruction.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BABY BE NEEDIN' 216,000 NEW PAIRS O' SHOES, ME HEARTIES

On Friday, September 13, a truck bound for the Georgia-based tabletop and video game company Trivium Studios took a turn too sharply, spilling 216,000 gaming dice onto Interstate 75 in Atlanta in what could be the biggest unintentional dice roll ever.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

THAT'LL WIN HER BACK

Pennsylvania man dropped explosives on ex-girlfriend's property from a drone: prosecutors

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Jay Brandes)

IT BE TRUE

If you turn the Chicago bulls logo upside down it’s a robot having sex with a crab

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THIS BE A DARRRRN GOOD NAME FOR A BAND

Entire company locked out of office for days because of rogue umbrella

(Thanks to wanderer2575 and The Perts)

AHOY, ME HEARTIES!

Today be IntARRRnational Talk Like a Pirate Day! Here be the official site, and here be the Wikipedia arrrrticle. Here be the original column. Here and here be lists of freebies. Remember, me hearties: There be many stupid fake holidays, but Talk Like a Pirate Day definitely be one of them. So get out there and swash them buckles!

September 18, 2019

BOLO

FBI seeking help identifying a bank robber dressed as a mummy

(Thanks tio pharmaross)

THAT SHOULD DO IT

Russian priests spray holy water from plane to stop 'alcohol use' and 'fornication'

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez, who says "You're gonna need a bigger plane.")

AND IN SPORTS

Slippery balls to be a problem at the World Cup

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HOLD YOUR HORSES

Deputies said they pulled over an Amish buggy complete with alcohol and a stereo system early Sunday morning.

(Thanks to Ralph, Matt Filar and Stever)

ALWAYS CARRY ONE

Girl, 11, throws loaf of bread at armed robber

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Jay Brandes)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER SPOON

Nutella-filled semi-truck flips, blocks traffic on I-94 near Indiana-Michigan border

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan, wanderer2575 and pharmaross)

WHY WE RESPECT THE BRITS

They're classy.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

ALL WE KNOW AT THIS POINT IS THAT IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Mysterious '60ft water monster' spotting swimming next to huge hydroelectric dam

(Thanks to Le Petomane and John Lobert)

FUN COUPLE

A Pennsylvania woman was arrested last week for drunk driving after police say she showed up at the station “intoxicated” while coming to pick up her boyfriend, who had been arrested on a DUI charge.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OOPS

An experimental trial to reduce the mosquito population in Brazil through the deliberate release of 450,000 genetically modified mosquitoes has failed miserably and may have even created a genetic hybrid super species.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, A. Wheeler and DaninDallas)

September 17, 2019

THE WORSENING EPIDEMIC CONTINUES TO WORSEN

Airbnb renter finds snake inside toilet of Texas home

(Thanks to pharmaross)

O THE HUMANITY

Huge blow for farmers in bull semen explosion

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and John Lobert)

THIS WILL SURELY END WELL

Florida is looking to hire 50 new citizen python hunters

(Thanks to pharmaross and Jeff Meyerson)

Here's how you can get involved!

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

'ANAL SACS CAN TELL YOU A LOT ABOUT AN ANIMAL'

Scientists are investigating the secrets of smelly cat butts

(Thanks to John W.)

'I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A MORE AGGRESSIVE MAGPIE'

Swooping magpie shot by Aussie council after dozens of attacks

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and John Criswell, who says he also saw them open for the Byrds)

LOVE WILL FIND A WAY

Cuffed Suspects Caught Having Sex In Cop Car

(Thanks to Barry Nester, Allen at Division, Michael Parry and pharmaross)

'BOTH PARTICIPANTS HAD BEEN DRINKING'

Older couple busted for having oral sex on a busy train during rush hour

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

September 16, 2019

TERRORISM UPDATE

Smell of natural gas prompts school evacuation, turns out to be rotting cookies

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEND THAT PIGEON TO WASHINGTON

Pigeon poops on Illinois lawmaker discussing pigeon poop problem

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan, Alan Kubbs, Maryann, Rod Nunley and Le Petomane)

WHOEVER THINKS THIS IS 'THE FIRST OF ITS KIND' CLEARLY WAS NEVER A TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY

What The Fart (WTF), a farting contest that is set to be the first of its kind, will be held in the city of Surat on September 22.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THAT'S ONE WAY TO MAKE SURE YOUR FIANCÉ DOESN'T ASK FOR IT BACK

California woman eats engagement ring in her sleep

(Thanks to EricY and Veee)

SOUND INVESTMENT

A 71-year-old man in the UK reportedly spent almost 30,000 pounds ($37,000) fighting a 100-pound speeding fine over several years, but in the end sill lost the case.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

SO *THAT'S* WHERE IT IS

There's a lost continent hiding beneath Europe

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

GRANDMAS IN ACTION

Polson grandmother with hairdryer takes aim at speeding vehicles

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE THE NATIONAL GUARD

Utah may face a beer shortage before law change, experts predict

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

LOOKS HEALTHY

Japan now has a giant pizza sandwich called Meat Mountain, packed with 18 different types of meat

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

'SUPPORT PERSON'

New Zealand man brings professional clown to pink-slip meeting who mimed crying, made balloon animals

(Thanks to basically everybody on the Internet)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE BYRDS

California Highway Patrol officers capture fugitive emu on freeway

(Thanks to pharmaross)

 
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