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August 26, 2019

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Florida Fish and Wildlife offers youth python hunting program

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHY THE POLICE CAR WAS PACKED WITH BALLOONS WE'LL NEVER KNOW

Bedford man chased home by police in car packed with balloons

(Thanks to pokerplayer)

DARN

Dairy Queen burgers are not made of human flesh, a county coroner is forced to confirm

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Jim Perth)

August 25, 2019

EXCEPT BARRY MANILOW

Ghost Particles Could Explain Just About Everything in the Universe

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

JAPAN: LAND OF MYSTERY

Strip club guidance booth raid in Japan ends with police seizing 440 pounds of raw fish

(Thanks to Ralph)

‘I JUST KEPT THROWING MY RIGHT HAND TO HIS BALLS’

Female boxing champion fights off robbers in Chicago, repeatedly hits one in the groin

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

CSI: SPACE

Astronaut is accused of accessing her wife's bank account from the International Space Station during their messy divorce

(Thanks to Dan Barry, The Perts and Bill Hudgins)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Rhode Island portable toilet explosions probed by bomb squad

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and pharmaross)

‘SHE’S NEVER SLEEPING WITHOUT EARPLUGS AGAIN’

Doctors Remove Venomous Brown Recluse Spider From Missouri Woman’s Ear

(Thanks to Rick Day, pharmaross and Le Petomane)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Police say a man tried to evade officers by rolling through cow manure

(Thanks to pharmaross)

August 23, 2019

THIS IS, IN FACT, PRETTY GREAT

The great Australian cafe war

(Thanks to Bobby Grawl)

TIME TO SEND TROOPS UP THERE

Packers, Raiders forced to play on shortened field with different rules due to unsafe conditions in Canada

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

U.S. Mosquitoes Are Laying 'Time Capsule' Eggs That Can Outlast Colder Winters

(Thanks to Dave N.)

‘THE SWINGS WERE IMPRESSIVELY FORECFUL’

Woman says ‘YOLO’ after bashing boyfriend’s truck with aluminum bat: cops

(Thanks to Geoff)

August 22, 2019

WE LIVE IN A GOLDEN AGE

“...each episode starts with the cannon-blasting of a mystery food dish into the faces of two blindfolded chefs. They’ll use their culinary prowess to identify the exploded dish and then race against the clock to recreate it. Whichever chef comes closest to the original dish wins a cash prize.”

(Thanks to Ralph)

‘NOTE THE WET SPOT OBSERVABLE ON THE MALE’S SHORTS’

Man urinates on Starbucks cups, coffee filters, and in employee sink before fleeing the store, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WELL HOW THE HELL WAS HE SUPPOSED TO GET HOME?

Drunk Florida man drives Walmart courtesy scooter out of the store, then another mile, cops claim

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

AWW

TSA says traveler forgot snake at Newark security checkpoint

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NOW THE LITTLE FURRED TERRORIST BASTARDS ARE ATTACKING THE NATIONAL PASTTIME

Stray squirrel causes fear, panic in the Twins dugout

(Thanks to Ralph)

TODAY’S ACTIVE SENIORS

6 people — between 62 and 85 — arrested for alleged sexual activity in Conn. conservation area

(Thanks to many people, including Kevin Meerschaert, who says “Beats the hell out of pickleball.”)

GUYS IN ACTION

California man arrested after attempting to fix flats using 'gauze and Band-Aids'

(Thanks to Doug Ogg, Ralph, John Lobert, pharmaross, Rod Nunley and Kevin Meerschaert)

WHO ISN’T?

Ibiza police searching for naked Ferrari-riding woman

(Thanks to pharmaross and Le Petomane)

‘THAT’S REALLY BIG FOR THE POLE COMMUNITY’

Albuquerque woman part of push to make ‘pole dancing’ an Olympic sport

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT, AGAIN?

Fidel Castro's crocodile bites elderly man at party in Sweden

(Thanks to Doug Ogg And Kevin Mark Smith)

AND IN SPORTS

MLB warns of stiff penalty as gas station sex pill problem spirals

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Le Petomane)

SOMEWHERE, SOME VERY UNHAPPY CARTEL GUYS ARE OPENING BANANA BOXES FULL OF ACTUAL BANANAS

Kilos of cocaine found in banana boxes at 3 Washington Safeway stores

(Thanks to Ron G.)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO GO WITH THESE POLICE OFFICERS

Drunken Frontier Airlines passenger punched pilot at Vegas airport, officials say

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

ALWAYS A SOUND LEGAL STRATEGY

Woman pulled over for DUI tries to bet cops on how high her blood-alcohol level would be

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LOOKING FOR A THOUGHTFUL GIFT FOR A SPECIAL GUY?

Here you go.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

COLORADO FORECAST: CLOUDY AND WINDY, WITH A CHANCE OF MATTRESSES

Strong winds in Colorado send dozens of mattresses flying across field

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert)

WHY THE LONG FACE?

Horse walks into Bourbon Street bar as band plays Old Town Road

(Thanks to  Jay Brandes)

UH-OH

The weird, repeating signals from deep space just tripled

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

FLORIDA DRIVERS’, PILOTS’, BOATERS’ AND MEDICAL LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

Machines on display at World Robot Conference in China can fly, swim and even do brain surgery

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

August 21, 2019

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Dan Schaumann posts toilet pics regularly for his thousands of Instagram followers

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

YOU HAVE TO DEFEND WHAT’S YOURS

Florida man wildly swings sword at jogger in fight over trash

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Doug Ogg, who asks: “Is ‘trashbuckling’ even a word?”)

WAIT... WHAT?

A Pasco County man is facing a battery charge after deputies say he threw a cup of urine on an acquaintance because he was angry a drug test came back clean.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

Kinkajou barges into Florida woman's apartment, attacks her boyfriend, officials say

(Thanks to Another Ralph, who says “We all know who put him up to it.”)

BOLO

Moose crashes pool party, steals taco    

(Thanks to Ralph, The Amazing Steve and John Gregg)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR BOWIE

New Zealanders warned about the consumption of 'sexy pavement lichen'

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE DIAPER WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER’S LICENSE

Driver ticketed after throwing dirty diaper out of car, hitting police cruiser

(Thanks to Susie Q Wacvet and pharmaross)

August 20, 2019

THIS IS HOW IT STARTS, AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU’RE STEALING SAND FROM SARDINIA

Mother-of-three, 34, who put out recycling rubbish in the wrong colour bags is ARRESTED by police

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WHAT IF EVERYBODY DID IT?

French couple faces prison time for taking 90 pounds of sand from Sardinia

(Thanks to wanderer2575 and Fabian Marson, who says “The death penalty is not good enough.”)

WE MIGHT AS WELL TEAR UP THE CONSTITUTION

Man fights Florida city's citation for landing a helicopter in backyard

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

A Florida man had ‘a midnight rendezvous’ at a construction site. Cops want him

(Thanks to Patricia Hall, who says “At least he got out of his mom’s basement for a little while.”)

BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

NASA preparing for ‘colossal God of Chaos’ rock to arrive in next 10 years

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WE BLAME SOCIAL MEDIA

A New Zealand stick insect that migrated to the UK more than seven decades ago has given up having sex and become asexual, prompting biologists to wonder about the use of sex at all – especially in Britain.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Plague-infected prairie dogs cause shutdown of Colorado wildlife refuges

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w, who ask “Didn’t Plague-infected prairie dogs open for Three Dog Night?”)

BEFORE YOU ASK ‘HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?’ GUESS THE STATE

Three car pileup in McDonald's drive-thru

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

SEND THIS HAND TO WASHINGTON. OR AT LEAST ONE DIGIT.

Giant hand statue touches down in New Zealand city and the locals are disturbed

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Roberto)

SPICY, DUDE

Nearly 4 tons of weed discovered inside a shipment of jalapeños

(Thanks to Steve K.)

 
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