Dave Barry's Blog

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD THING?

'Grade-A treated human feces' spilled onto major Polk road, blocking traffic

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DON’T TRY TO TELL US YOU WOULDN’T BE FREAKING OUT

Rattlesnake approaches boat at Elephant Butte Lake in New Mexico

Advisory: Bad language. But we’re not judging.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

THEREBY QUALIFYING THEM FOR FLORIDA DRIVERS’ LICENSES

Human-like neural activity detected in lab grown mini brains

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

THEY’RE WORKING WITH THE SQUIRRELS

Firefighters blame cat for starting Boise house fire

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

WAS THE GUN NECESSARY?

A Georgia probation officer has resigned and her friend has been arrested for borrowing that officer’s badge and gun to get free snacks at a QuikTrip.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IN THAT CASE SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO, BUT NOT HERE

Driver caught at 110mph claims he ‘needed a number two’

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ADVISORY

Fans attending Reading Festival have been politely reminded stuffing tents and sleeping bags down the campsite toilets is not a great idea.

(Thanks to Ralph)

#DavesHurricaneTips

HAPPENS ALL THE TIME

Florida woman claims wind blew cocaine into her purse

(Thanks to LAschkenasy)

LET FREEDOM RING

N.H. governor steps in to let woman keep her ‘PB4WEGO’ license plates

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY MOMENT

Bride horrified after a penguin poops all over her dress during Sea World wedding

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALL THE AMENITIES

The listing for the $399K Priest Lake Park home on Saxon Mist Drive included 31 photos of the home, the kitchen, the bathrooms, the pool, and of the realtor engaged in a sex act.

(Thanks to James Flynn)

DORIAN UPDATE

We're pullin' fer ya.

If you want to flee to Canada; you could stay here and spend a week or so signing all my books.

We eat lobster.

-- The Perts

Thanks, but you lost us at "lobster."

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

Abandoned macaroni and cheese in downtown Kitchener turned into art installation

Update: Mac-and-cheese-turned-art goes missing in downtown Kitchener

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOUND SLEEPER

Police in New Jersey say a possible carjacker apparently removed a sleeping 80-year-old woman from her parked car before stealing the vehicle and leaving her in the driveway.

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

TWO FLORIDA LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

Man fined after driving car with a car on its roof in Aberystwyth

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

SO *THAT'S* WHAT 'GENERAL SERVICES' MEANS

A former top-ranking General Services Administration manager admitted to having sex on the roof of the agency's headquarters building and drinking alcohol in the office, according to an inspector general report made public this week.

(Thanks to The Fourth George, who says "I worked for GSA for years and never once did I think about having sex on the roof. Pigeons have sex on the roof.")

BUT IT LOOKS COOL!

Apple (AAPL) updated its support webpage this week to warn customers that some fabrics, such as leather and denim, could cause permanent discoloration to the Apple Card. That damage won't wash off. Apple also advises against placing the card in a wallet slot that already has a different credit card, so it doesn't get scratched. And the company says customers should not store their Apple Card in a pocket or bag with loose change, keys or "other potentially abrasive objects."

(Thanks to Steve K)

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT

Volunteers polish giant’s erection by hand

(Thanks to John Lobert)

BOLO

We are investigating the possible theft of one of @SFTeachingZoo animals - a Solomon Islands Skink. The lizard is approximately 18-20 inches long and is a light brown/green color. The animal is valued at $1000.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'HARLEY VAN DANGERFIELD'

'Miss Nude Australia' performance sparks blaze at Adelaide strip club The Crazy Horse

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDA EDUCATION REPORT

A Florida man who was filmed mowing his lawn in the nude wants to be a teacher again, after retaining his certification following the incident.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ADVISORY

Dick Road To Close Later This Week

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GUYS IN ACTION DOWN UNDER

Aviation body investigating custom drone flight carrying fisherman

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

THIS IS THE ONION, RIGHT?

Red Bull is paying $10 to Canadians who thought it would actually give them wings

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION, PULITZER JUDGES:

Dad left starstruck after Queen legend Freddie Mercury appears in his pork chop

(Thanks to Ralph, Bob Brogan and John Lobert, who says "No doubt about it! Or maybe Bob Hope.")

GUYS IN ACTION

Man uses Roman candle to kill hornets and accidentally sets roof on fire

As the squirrels look on, chortling.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

ENOUGH FOR NEARLY TWO DAYS

Boston Market is giving away a 1-ton tub of mac and cheese

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

THAT'S ALL?

Ireland consumes 80% more alcohol than the global average

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

BARGAINING TACTIC OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Spokane police Sgt. Terry Preuninger said a Dave Smith Nissan employee called for help during the test drive after the woman refused to pull over or let him out.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

BOLO FOR A SMOOTH-FOREHEADED WOMAN

A woman was caught on camera using a power saw to break into a Houston-area Botox clinic and steal anti-aging products, police say.

(Thanks to James Flynn and Rod Nunley)

THE JOKES, THEY WRITE THEMSELVES

This new species of blood-sucking leech with 3 jaws, 59 teeth discovered in DC-area swamps

(Thanks to wiredog, Bill Hudgins and Not My Usual Alias)

IT'S GETTING SO YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY

Man's truck stolen while he was robbing store across the street

(Thanks to many people)

DOES THIS MU SHU PORK TASTE FISHY TO YOU?

Tennessee Chinese restaurant caught on camera washing rags, supplies in lake

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE BILL OF RIGHTS

The state has asked Lilac City Grille bartender Wendy Auger to turn in her 15-year-old plate reading “PB4WEGO,” which stands for “pee before we go,” because phrases related to excretory acts aren’t permitted.

(Thanks to Paul Sand and pharmaross)

THE NEWS FROM THAILAND

The palace posted the candid pictures of King Maha Vajiralongkorn, 67, and his long-time girlfriend Sineenatra Wongvajirabhakdi, 34, engaging in several activities, including what appeared to be the pair taking part in military training exercises, dressed in uniforms and armed with a fluffy white poodle.

(Thanks to man tom)

THEN EVERYBODY WENT TO CHUCK E. CHEESE'S FOR DINNER

The 40-person brawl began around 3:30 p.m. by the Lazy River picnic area after a disagreement between two women over who took whose beach towel, said Everest Robillard, the Cal Expo police chief.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi

FINALLY, A WAY TO MAKE THE SPORT *EVEN MORE BORING*

Nissan develops golf ball that automatically finds the hole every time

(Thanks to Michael Parry, Mark Schlesinger and Rod Nunley)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Florida man accused of picking fight with Michael Jackson impersonator

(Thanks to James Flynn)

HE WOULD SURVIVE MAYBE TEN MINUTES IN MIAMI

Motorcyclist customises his bike with racks of eggs and tomatoes to throw at cars that pull out in front of him

(Thanks to Roberto)

NO DOUBT EN ROUTE TO FLORIDA

Mystery woman drives on wrong side of road, yells obscenities, throws clothes hanger at house

(Thanks to Stever)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

A dispute concerning bathroom etiquette took a violent turn when officials in Florida say one man threatened another with a machete for failing to flush the toilet.

(Thanks to A Wheeler and pharmaross)

TO THE TUNE OF 'MAMBO NUMBER 5'

Man uses dead pigeon ‘as weapon’ during street fight

Never bring a pigeon to a fistfight.

(Thanks to John Lobert and Ralph)

GUESS THE STATE

A school resource officer is out of a job after she filmed a nude video of herself inside an elementary school bathroom during her shift.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AT WHICH POINT SHE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE BACKED OUT

Groom surprises bride on big day with this giant nude photo of himself on side of van

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE WHO

Tourists alerted to mysterious rolling balls of poop in Great Smoky Mountains

(Thanks to pharmaross, Doug Ogg, Andrew Mendez, Le Petomane, Michael Moyer, Rod Nunley, Vernon, Veee and DaninDallas)

THE NEWS FROM INDIA

Clingy bees swarm man's butt

This has been The News From India.

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Sex pigs halt traffic after laser attack on Pokémon teens

(Thanks to Ralph)

'I DON'T KNOW WHY SOMEONE WOULD JUST HAVE ONE OF THESE AT A QUIKTRIP'

Man shot after attacking QuikTrip security with didgeridoo, police say

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

IT IS WELCOME IN THE SUPERMARKET AISLES OF FLORIDA

Man builds motorized shopping cart that's street legal

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)