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July 26, 2019


How to Pet a Cat, According to Science

(Thanks to Linda Schutjer)


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I like to put on my Freddy Krueger gloves first.

"in certain contexts will choose us over food..." This observation is not reassuring.

Of course, there also is the epic "How to give a pill to a cat":

(1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

(2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

(3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

(4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

(5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

(6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

(7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

(8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

(9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

(10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

(11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

(12) Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

(13) Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

(14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

(15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

I wouldn't trust any cat-handling instructions unless they were written by Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

I think this article inspired a California screen writer to outline a script. The get experience, the writer started grabbing stray cats to pet.
I believe he has changed the working title to: Scarface Two--The Mauling.

I had two cats up until about a month ago when I had to put one down due to kidney failure. He, Ozzie, was very reserved and would swat you in a minute if he didn't like the way you stroked him or looked at him. He was my baby. I still have a black cat that I got after I saw someone throw her out of a car window. She, Maggie, was three weeks old and I hand fed her until she could eat on her own. I told her I'd find her a nice home when she got bigger. She's 12 years old now and is still with me. I don't know if it's because I got her when she was so young but she doesn't care how you pet her and in fact acts a lot like a puppy at times. She'll also come when you call her which I think is amazing.

RIP Ozzie and Maggie, you go girl!!!!

Don't sing like Brian Johnson while petting your cat.

11 foot pole.

If you're not careful, they'll change your name to Claude.

All cats think alike.

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