Dave Barry's Blog

OOPS

This morning, district officials were informed that during a July 3rd training exercise, Maricopa Police Department may have inadvertently left narcotics on the Butterfield Elementary School campus.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

In-N-Out burger mystery solved: This is how a West Coast burger wound up on the streets of NYC

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

NEVER CRUISE WITH A CLOWN

Clown 'starts violent brawl on cruise ship as passengers use plates for weapons'

(Thanks to Roberto)

‘PROCESSED’ IS THE POLICE TERM FOR ‘GIVEN A FLORIDA DRIVER’S LICENSE’

A 9-foot alligator took a sidewalk stroll in Coral Gables — and now it ‘will be processed’

For the record, this blog is based in Coral Gables.

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT, RIGHT?

He worked with Dave Barry and Carl Hiaasen, among many other characters

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE

Humongous, Chihuahua-Sized Species of Flying Squirrel Has Been Discovered in China

(Thanks to Ron Weil)

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

$3 Million Government Study Finds Link Between Excessive Drinking and Aggressive Nightclub Behavior

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

SUDDENLY WE’RE NOT HUNGRY

Raw chicken breast crawls off restaurant table in horrifying video

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WHY ARE THOSE THINGS EVEN LEGAL?

Kentucky man attacked man with weed eater over stolen candy bars

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Armed police surround machine gun-equipped car owned by 'Mad Max' fan

(Thanks to MOTW)

‘THE KEY TO SUCCESS IS TO FOCUS ON PROVIDING THE CAT WITH AS MUCH CHOICE AND CONTROL DURING INTERACTIONS AS POSSIBLE’

How to Pet a Cat, According to Science

(Thanks to Linda Schutjer)

10-4, MA’AM

Homedale woman calls 911, asks officers to stop chasing her during pursuit, police say

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

WHEN YOU’RE TALKING QUALITY JOURNALISM, YOU’RE TALKING THE MIRROR

A psychic has shed light on the whereabouts of a chihuahua that was snatched from a garden by a seagull.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NO DOUBT WITH A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER’S LICENSE

Stray mule wanders into airport terminal in Israel

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT’S THE GAELIC WORD FOR ‘OOPS?’

Irish moon landing stamp spells 'moon' wrong

(Thanks to Ralph)

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO THE POLICE IN MASSACHUSETTS, WE ALWAYS ARE

Police in Massachusetts are warning hikers to be on the lookout for aggressive yaks.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BOLO

Thief takes circus trailer containing bed of nails, electric chair

(Thanks to pharmaross)

‘CLEARLY NOT HERS’

Indiana woman steals dentures and wears them to meet probation officer, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Rare Nike 'Moon Shoe' auctions for $437K, breaking sneaker auction record

(Thanks to The Perts)

MARKETING MASTERSTROKE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Forever 21 apologizes for sending Atkins bars with online orders

(Thanks to Steve K)

YOU KNOW IT WAS THE SQUIRRELS’ IDEA

Hot tub becomes hot mess after iguanas use it as a toilet

(Thanks to pharmaross and Asher Scheiner)

A NEW SOUTH DAKOTA ATTRACTION

Jeff Hopkins, 51, and his girlfriend, Dawn Cronk, 49, recently demolished one of their homes in Renner, South Dakota and decided to spray paint the words “Got the Spider” on the fallen structure.

(Thanks to MOTW and Allen at Division)

‘PGAD’

Woman has uncontrollable orgasms triggered by potholes and escalators

(Thanks to John Lobert)

PEOPLE OFTEN ASK THIS BLOG WHY WE ARE NOT FOND OF CATS

Here is one of many reasons.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NATURE, DUDE

Bear attempts theft of pot dispensary dumpster in Colorado

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

The ad urged shoppers to mark "Secretary Day" by buying a special "combo" consisting of a bottle of wine, a chocolate bar and a packet of condoms for their secretary.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHEREAS MOST OF US TAKE A LOT LONGER

An Idaho man who has broken more than 100 Guinness World Records earned another title when he wrapped his wife in plastic wrap in 1 minute, 57 seconds.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BOLO

Florida seafood company says someone stole 17,000 oysters

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

SHOULDN’T IT BE CHEESE?

2,200 pounds of butter brings iconic Apollo 11 mission to life

(Thanks to Greg Snow and pharmaross)

SHOCKER

'Perverts in bushes' are ruining nude zone in Paris park, say naturists

(Thanks to St Ivie, pharmaross and Asher Scheiner, who says “No one could have predicted this.”) 

YOU’D THINK BY NOW AUSTRALIANS WOULD BE FLABBERGASTED *NOT* TO FIND A LARGE SNAKE ON THEIR DECK

An Australian family was flabbergasted after they found a nearly 7-foot-long carpet python sunbathing and taking a nap on their deck.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

ABSOLUTELY NO QUESTION, THAT’S HER

Loch Ness skipper captures 'Nessie' beneath the waves in remarkable sonar image

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says “The image convinced me.”)

A TOTALLY REASONABLE RESPONSE

McDonald's customer fired gun inside restaurant because her fries were cold

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, pharmaross, Kevin Meerschaert and DaninDalls)

WE ARE CONFLICTED

Pro-meat protesters fined for eating raw squirrels at vegan stall

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and B’game)

ATTENTION, UNITED NATIONS:

Mexico facing a guacamole crisis

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

‘ACTIVITES OF THIS TYPE ARE PROTECTED FREE SPEECH’

Topless event planned at Honeymoon Island State Park

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

This blog totally supports free speech.

WE PREFER BEER

Cheez-It and a boxed wine company are teaming up

(Thanks to Steve K)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Passenger smashes laptop over boyfriend’s head on packed plane ‘because he looked at other woman’

This flight originated in Miami.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger And Jan in Grimsby)

GUESS THE STATE

Woman jailed in toilet forehead flicking flap

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

Racing pigeon in Indonesia sells for over $100K

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says “And it was delicious!”)

HOW SLOW A NEWS WEEK IS IT?

Very.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THOSE THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE

Dash camera captures Lime scooter rider on I-35 in downtown Dallas during rush hour

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

THE ONLY RATIONAL RESPONSE

A Disney World tourist didn’t have a FastPass to Tower of Terror, so she punched an employee and started pressing buttons

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and pharmaross)

MEANWHILE IN POLITICS

You don’t want to know.

(Thanks to ddubya)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

New species of glow-in-the-dark shark found in Gulf of Mexico

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

SUAVE

Man, 65, made fake bomb threat to get date with flight attendant

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

YOUTUBER IS A CAREER?

Number One Career Choice For American Kids is to be YouTubers, For Chinese Kids It’s an Astronaut

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

GO AHEAD, SHATTER OUR HOPES AND DREAMS

Tennessee police department says it was joking about people creating 'meth gators' by flushing drugs down toilet

(Thanks to Steve K)

ALL WE KNOW AT THIS POINT IS THAT IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

‘Half-human, half-dog’ creature seen lurking near Texas river leaves fishermen terrified

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Advisory: Very convincing photographs.

RULE 1: STAY HOME

A Former FBI Agent Tells You How Not to Get Murdered on Vacation

(Thanks to Allen at Division)