« June 2019 | Main

July 22, 2019

SUAVE

Man, 65, made fake bomb threat to get date with flight attendant

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

YOUTUBER IS A CAREER?

Number One Career Choice For American Kids is to be YouTubers, For Chinese Kids It’s an Astronaut

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

GO AHEAD, SHATTER OUR HOPES AND DREAMS

Tennessee police department says it was joking about people creating 'meth gators' by flushing drugs down toilet

(Thanks to Steve K)

ALL WE KNOW AT THIS POINT IS THAT IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

‘Half-human, half-dog’ creature seen lurking near Texas river leaves fishermen terrified

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Advisory: Very convincing photographs.

RULE 1: STAY HOME

A Former FBI Agent Tells You How Not to Get Murdered on Vacation

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Latitude Festival criticised after dyeing sheep pink 

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Related: The grand champion market lamb title earned at the Logan County Junior Fair has been stripped of its title following a positive test for a banned drug.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

THE HOLIDAYS ARE AROUND THE CORNER

The flamethrower drone will soon be a thing you can buy

(Thanks to Ralph)

ADVISORY:

Stay the hell out of the ocean.

(Thanks to OldPhil, who says “”Perhaps ‘Groupernado’ is in the works?”)

ATTENTION, ENTREPRENEURS:

With her 1,000 snails, the teacher makes an extra $320 to $650 a month.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHILE LOOKING FOR SEASHELLS

Woman finds brick of cocaine worth $33K washed up on Bolivar beach

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

NEEDS TO GET TO THE AIRPORT EARLIER

Man jumps on plane wing as it prepares for takeoff

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

July 20, 2019

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE BYRDS

Elusive Emu Remains at Large in North Carolina After More Than Three Weeks

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

19 FLORIDA LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

Learner drivers take practical test 19 times in a year and fail every single one

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

INCREDIBLY, HE WAS NOT FROM FLORIDA

Naked Customer Surprises Vermont Store Owners

(Thanks to pharmaross)

A KEY VOTING BLOC

Japan’s prime minister asks men cheating on their wives, and their girlfriends to vote for him

(Thanks to Ralph)

'UH, THERE'S THREE GUYS FROM THE AIR FORCE HERE TO SEE YOU'

Unbeknownst to anybody at the brewery, something had accidentally activated the plane’s emergency locator beacon.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

July 19, 2019

THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS

Cadillac Parked On Brooklyn Street For 25 Years Finally Towed

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HEY, IT'S HOT DOWN HERE

Florida man wearing nothing but bra burglarized several cars

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and pharmaross)

IF THEY'RE OFFERING BUD LIGHT, THIS WOULD RESULT IN INTERGALACTIC WAR

Bud Light is offering free beer to any alien that makes it out of Area 51

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

IT WAS INEVITABLE

Five guys arrested at Five Guys restaurant in Stuart

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert, Ranald Adams, Jeff Meyerson, pharmaross and Allen at Division)

HOWEVER WOKE YOU ARE, BERKELEY IS WOKER

The city voted Tuesday night to replace gendered terms in its municipal codes, like "manhole" and "manpower," with gender-neutral ones like "maintenance hole" and "human effort."

(Thanks to Matt Filar and pharmaross)

TENSION MOUNTS IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

11:30 p.m. Someone called 911 to rave about the 1991 movie “Sleeping with the Enemy.”

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, Le Petomane and Roberto)

LONG, LONG AGO....

Just wanted to pass this along to fellow travelers on the geezer bus, just in case this weekend sparks a moment of nostalgia for any others among us.
 

This is a recording of the entire Apollo 11 mission in real time.  Of course July 20 is the day that Neil and Buzz walked on moon.  During the transit phase from the Earth to the moon there hasn't been so much to listen to, though this Saturday should be quite interesting, and especially for those of us who were huddled around the family t.v. 50 years ago tomorrow.  Here's the link:

https://apolloinrealtime.org/11/mobile/  

Incidentally, here's the #1 song on the charts in the U.S. at the time: In the Year 2525.
 
-- Jim Kenaston

July 18, 2019

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS THE STATE

Strip club patron can’t decide between wanting to fight and passing out after drinking 33 beers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and pharmaross)

COINCIDENTALLY, THE REMARKABLY LOUD SNAPS USED TO OPEN FOR THE MOUTH-FIGHTING SPONGE-DWELLING WORMS

Remarkably loud snaps during mouth-fighting by a sponge-dwelling worm

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

ADVISORY

Big Penis supplement contains hidden ingredient, FDA warns

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Peter [Har!] Metrinko)

IF THAT DOESN'T CHANGE HIS MIND, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

A 30-year-old Illinois woman repeatedly grabbed her 43-year-old boyfriend’s genitals and stabbed him in the scrotum with a knife because she didn’t want him to leave her, police said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DATELINE NEBRASKA

Public art Spider-Man hands confused for devil horns, called anti-Christian

(Thanks to Ralph)

PROBABLY SO THEY CAN CHARGE MORE FOR THOSE SEATS

Airline helpfully tweets advice on where on a plane you are least likely to die in a crash

(Thanks to Zann B and John Lobert)

COULD BE ANOTHER SQUIRREL TRICK

Pop-Up Bar Hidden In A National Forest Offering Free Beer

(Thanks to Todd Thomas, who says "There are going to be many folks trying to sober up wondering why they're lost in the middle of a forest.")

AUSTRALIA, OF COURSE

These Horny Toads Hopped A Ride On a Snake To Avoid A Storm

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

IF YOU HAVE EYEBALLS...

...do NOT click here.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Zann B)

OUR INTERNATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Police apprehend penguins who keep sneaking into sushi restaurant

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NOW ALL THE CHILDREN WILL WANT THIS

New Jersey Devils Mascot Runs Through Window At Kid's Birthday Party

(Thanks to John Lobert)

OR DRIVE THEM INSANE

City hopes ‘Baby Shark’ song will drive homeless away

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, Ralph, man tom, pharmaross, Allen at Division and Andrew Mendez, who says "If this doesn't work they will employ the nuclear option: Manilow.")

SMILE!

A Texas mother was stunned when she looked through her family’s vacation photos — and found a woman flashing her breasts behind them.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CSI: RAMSBOTTOM

Neighbors Get Nervous Seeing Mysterious Symbols Appearing, Inform The Police, Turns Out It’s A Butt

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

PRO TIP FOR OWNERS OF ROBOT VACUUMS:

Don't unleash your Roomba in a room containing dog poo.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

July 17, 2019

BUT YOU CAN’T DRIVE IT

You Can Rent the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile on Airbnb This Summer

(Thanks to Judi)

ADVISORY

The corn is closed.

B1E8D00D-CBD0-438C-AA7C-2A873E164022

OOPS

A woman in New Jersey got the kind of car wash she was not looking for when she hit the accelerator instead of the brakes at a car wash in Hackensack, sending her SUV plunging into the Hackensack River.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOT OUR PLATE, IT WON'T

Food tech company Solar Foods says it has created a natural protein source from a mix of carbon dioxide, water and renewable electricity. And it could hit the consumer market -- and your plate -- sometime in the next two years.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

BAGEL BITES SHOULD ALWAYS BE KEPT UNDER LOCK AND KEY

Springdale Man Assaults Employee With Box Of Stolen Bagel Bites

(Thanks to pharmaross and man tom) 

SUDDENLY WE FEEL AN URGE TO LITTER

Locals stunned as council blows £74,000 on anti-litter mural that appears to show a pigeon having sex with a rabbit

(Thanks to Roberto and Ralph)

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH REAL ANTS

A team of Swiss researchers with bugs on the brain has created an army of simple robotic "ants" capable of some impressive feats.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

TERRORISM ALERT

Sushi ingredient is spontaneously combusting, causing restaurant fires

(Thanks to B'game)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Metallica has written a children's book.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

Back in the early days of the Rock Bottom Remainders, we had T-shirts that said "This band plays music as well as Metallica writes novels."

SEND THIS DRONE TO WASHINGTON

Man Uses Firework-Shooting Drone To Disperse Neighbor's Loud Party

(Thanks to John Lobert)

BUT IT LOOKED SO NATURAL

Colombian man busted trying to smuggle cocaine under his wig

(Thanks to John Lobert, Peter Metrinko, Greg Snow, Le Petomane and Rick Day)

THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO LEGALIZE MIDAIR EJECTION

A few seconds into the clip the man begins to use his toes to swipe through film options on a touch screen television in front of him.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise