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July 23, 2019

HOW SLOW A NEWS WEEK IS IT?

Very.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

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My theory is, who cares?

You're right. That is slow.

Some kid is incubating next semester's science fair project.

"It genuinely shook me to my core," said a man who hasn't watched the news, surfed the interwebs, used a phone, or left his apartment in ten years.

"OK, Scotty. We all know how much you enjoy messing around with the transporter. But it's lunch time. Beam the next order from In-N-Out directly to the bridge."

Maybe it's already been in and out?

I wouldn't touch one, either. In Texas, we consider anything from California an invasive species.

Unfortunately, the recent purchase of Texas' iconic (and of course, far superior) Whataburger by a company with "capital" in it's name (NEVER a good sign) means we'll have to work harder to find local alternatives when we travel.

“It genuinely shook me to my core,”

Considering the other pickles we're in, lettuce not worry about this cheesy story.

" Boehm, who works as a creative director in advertising"

I think we have our clue, Watson.

You know when you watched your buddies (what?) glue a coin to the sidewalk and then watch people try to pick it up? Well maybe this is the same game. Only food. Which is gross. However ...

Where the heck is the FBI when you really need them?

Scramble the Joint Strike Fighters!

She goes in and out and in
And out and in and out and in and out
She's playing all night
And the music's all right
Mama's got a squeeze box
Daddy never sleeps at night

The Five Second Rule had expired.

Did it fall out of the Cadillac when they moved it?

There are a lot of In-N-Out things to pick up on New York street corners...

(according to a friend that's been there).

Police called for a forensics squad, but before they got there a dog ate the evidence.

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