Dave Barry's Blog

TIME TO STEP UP, LADIES

Animal rescue group needs discarded bras for injured turtles

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Man fined $345 for carrying live deer into a liquor store in B.C. Interior

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

GUYS IN ACTION

Drag Racer Starts Race In Reverse, Hitting Car Behind Him

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "After which, he was given a Florida driver’s license.")

FOR THE MOTHERLAND, COMRADES!

Russian cosmonauts keep refusing to provide semen samples during their space missions

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YIKES

Doctor finds live tick inside ear of woman with tinnitus

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SHE SEEMS NICE

Florida woman who allegedly attacked ex with gun, machete, ADT sign smiles for mugshot

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SIGNAL YOUR TURNS

Road-raging elephants charge car off road at national park

(Thanks to John Lobert, who notes that the elephants had valid Florida licenses)

TODAY'S CRIME REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy against making fun of names prohibits us from bringing you Today's Crime Report.

(Thanks to Roberto)

TORONTO TACKLES THE ISSUES

Toronto Transit Commission spokesperson Stuart Green said a few customers had earlier complained that the robot voice’s utterance of avenue — pronounced “ah-ven-OO” — sounded too American.

(Thanks to The Perts)

SEEMS REASONABLE

Texas woman banned from Walmart after eating half a cake, demanding to pay half price

(Thanks to pharmaross and elseabs)

THEY'RE FLYING BECAUSE IT'S A LONG CRAWL TO MIAMI

Giant African Snails about the size of a human foot found in luggage at Atlanta airport

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

A LITTLE EARLY FOR TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

(Thanks to Jeff Meyarrson)

HE IS WELCOME ON THE WATERWAYS OF MIAMI

On Thursday, in a courtroom in Oshawa, Ont., Sillars became the first Canadian to be convicted of impaired driving charges for the act of paddling a canoe.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, Chris Elzi and John Lobert)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Man proposes to his girlfriend by tattooing ‘Will you marry meow?’ on his bum

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY’RE GOING TO PLAY

A professor has given a colony of honey bees a cello in which to set up their hive.

(Thanks to Howard from Broward)

GO AHEAD AND QUIT THAT JOB

NASA headed towards giant golden asteroid that could make everyone on Earth a billionaire

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NOOOOOOO

Kansas man who robbed bank to escape wife gets home-confinement sentence

(Thanks to wiredog)

LIKE HELL IT IS

'Cow cuddling' is apparently a thing now

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Jersey is being terrorised by 100-strong gangs of feral chickens waking up locals and chasing joggers

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY ALL HAVE FLORIDA DRIVERS’ LICENSES

Mini-brains grown from stem cells don't think, but they do show 'complex' neural activity, researchers say

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

GUESS WHERE THIS MAN LIVES

Man learns the hard way mixing pufferfish and cocaine is a horrible idea

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man needs chopstick surgically removed from hand after attempting beer bottle trick

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THIS IS WEIRD, BECAUSE WE SAW THE SEX-BINGE CICADAS OPEN FOR FUNGAL HALLUCINOGENS

Fungal Hallucinogens Send Cicadas on Sex Binges After Their Genitals Fall Off

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Ralph)

PAGING MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

Weird radio signal came from distant galaxy

(Thanks to Steve K)

CSI: WESTMINSTER, CA

Man steals $10,000 worth of koi fish.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

LOOKING FOR A COGENT ANALYSIS OF THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATES?

You will not find it here.

TERRORISM UPDATE

'Exploding toilet' grounds Wizz Air flight

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

SCIENTISTS are now able to clone pet dogs from urine

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LOOK AWAY

The naked moped rider stopped by German police

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert)

GOOD THING THEY DIDN'T HAVE CARS

Ancient Europeans lived alongside a half-ton bird nearly 12 feet tall

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

BOLO

Thief wearing mask, scrubs, bed sheet recorded stealing statue from New Orleans porch

(Thanks to man tom)

IN THAT CASE SIR, GODSPEED

Police: Mass. man stole truck, said he was hauling missiles to Canada

(Thanks to Ralph)

THAT'S ONE POSSIBLE RESULT

Parents Name Son “Google” Hoping It Will Give Him a Leg Up in Life

(Thanks to Ralph)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A LOVELY AFFAIR

Guest reportedly gets finger bitten off during 'incident' at wedding reception

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Le Petomane)

SPECIAL DELIVERY, DUDE

A Baltimore postman pleaded guilty on Monday to conspiracy to distribute marijuana on his mail route, court documents say.

(Thanks to Steve K)

AP BIO

A substitute teacher was fired after she allegedly filmed pornography inside a classroom at a high school in Texas, officials said.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "The TV news clip actually said 'THIS JUST IN.")

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Woman Broke Into Ex-Girlfriend's Home, Clobbered Her With A Lava Lamp, Cops Say

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

A GRATEFUL NATION REJOICES

The owner of the Chop House Restaurant in downtown Iowa City said a pig statue stolen early Saturday morning has been returned.

(Thanks to Rudolph

FLORIDA DEMANDS A RECOUNT

Do You Live In The City With The Nation’s Worst Drivers?

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

AND THEY ALL HAVE TINY BUT VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

'Super Bug' Termite spreading in Florida chews through concrete and plumbing, spits acid

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

AND IN SPORTS

MMA Fighter Penalized For Kicking Opponent In The Butthole Area

(Thanks to pharmaross)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Breakdancing moved a step closer to the 2024 Olympics on Tuesday

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE

Pennsylvania man claims he planted bomb to warn police about aliens coming to destroy the world

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST ONE

Man Takes Hit To The Family Jewels During Gender Reveal

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CLASSY!

Man drove through Nashville funeral procession in truck stolen from disabled veteran

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

NOW THAT WE KNOW HOW MANY THERE ARE...

...it's time to do something about it.

(Thanks to Dave N. and Not My Usual Alias)

THEY TOURED WITH WHITESNAKE

Massachusetts residents see 'tornado of poop' after sewer line blockage

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, pharmaross and Le Petomane)

AHOY THERE

Drunk Navy pilot spends six hours upside-down in a chimney after getting stuck during an officers’ drinking challenge

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

CSI: GRAND CHUTE

Kangaroo reportedly seen hopping across Interstate 41 walking bridge

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Coffee could help you burn fat, new study says

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks “Why couldn’t it have been beer?”)