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May 25, 2019

HE WAS A BRAKE-YANKER

Here’s how cops used a penis pic to bust NYC’s alleged subway menace

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALEXA, MAKE THEM STOP

Would you let Amazon 3D-scan your body for a $25 gift card?

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

AS FORETOLD IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

Owners of biblical replica of Noah's ark sue over ... rain damage

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, Chris Elzi, pharmaross and Le Petomane)

WE PITY THE JANITOR

Buna teen rides cow to school to celebrate last day of classes

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Man caught filling hotel bathtub up with potatoes while wearing a bra and high on MDMA

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

May 24, 2019

ADVISORY

Don't give DNA to people who come to your house asking for it

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOUR ‘SURGING IN THE POLLS’ JOKE GOES HERE

French mayor offers free Viagra to boost local birth rates

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

WE HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU

Jellied moose nose cannot be found in restaurants.

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

STAY CLASSY, SPANISH-SQUASH-TOURNAMENT ORGANIZERS

A group of champion female squash players slammed the Spanish tournament they won as sexist after being given vibrators as a prize.

(Thanks to B’game)

SCOTLAND: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

Hikers stumble across a bizarre piece of driftwood shaped like a naked woman

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT WILL COME WITHIN 3 MILLION MILES OF EARTH, WHICH MEANS THERE’S A CHANCE IT WILL COLLIDE WITH A MIAMI MOTORIST

Mile-wide asteroid and its tiny moon to zoom past Earth this weekend

(Thanks to The Perts)

THEY’RE FIGHTING BACK

Cow Squirts Projectile Poop On Farmer: ‘I Didn’t Even Stand A Chance’

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

May 23, 2019

GO AHEAD, ABET THE ENEMY

Squirrel served daily ice cream mini-cones at North Carolina shop

(Thanks to Ralph)

A STEPHEN-KING-LEVEL NIGHTMARE

Teen gets penis stuck in drainpipe and has to be freed with circular saw

(Thanks to John Lobert)

DEPARTMENT OF NEWS STORIES WE DOUBT ACTUALLY HAPPENED BUT WHAT THE HELL

Drunk Man Vomits So Hard, Throws up Undiagnosed Tumour, Then Swallows it Back

(Thanks to MOTW)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Enormous python swallows even bigger python, but can't handle it

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

DUH

IQ rates are dropping in many developed countries

Exhibit A: 56 percent of Americans don't want Arabic numerals taught in schools

(Thanks to pharmaross)

 

EMPLOYEE HYGIENE IS IMPORTANT

Local Wendy's investigating video of man bathing in kitchen sink

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OTHER THAN THAT, HE HAD A GOOD DAY

A convicted felon accidentally shot himself in the genitals last month at an apartment in Cashmere. His problems didn’t stop there.

...As doctors and nurses performed surgery at Central Washington Hospital, a balloon containing marijuana slipped out of his anus, the affidavit said.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, pharmaross, John Lobert, David Knight and DaninDallas)

THESE FUGITIVES TODAY

Fugitive agrees to surrender if his wanted poster receives 15,000 Facebook likes

(Thanks to Asher Schneider and pharmaross)

THE ESSENTIALS

According to the Gonzales Police Department, on May 12, a woman loaded 21 bottles of Titos Vodka and five cases of toilet paper into a shopping cart.

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

GUESS WHICH WAY FLORIDA MAN CHOSE

Crashing a wedding can go two ways: you have a great time while enjoying some free drinks and leave without anyone noticing you weren't actually invited or you join the bride and groom during their first dance and get arrested.

(Thanks to Fabian Matson and pharmaross)

LOOKS LEGIT TO THIS BLOG

Man ticketed for hand drawn inspection sticker

(Thanks to Bill Huggins, who says “Perfectly legal in FL”)

THE CORRECT SETTING IS ‘YIKES’

Oklahoma man discovers nearly 7-foot snake in his dryer vent

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT

Face mites feast on skin oils, mate while you sleep

And of course they all have valid Florida drivers’ licenses.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Chuck Cody) 

May 22, 2019

EVERYONE GET INDOORS *NOW*

Giant tiger sharks eat backyard birds, surprising study reveals

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

ISU researchers teaming with Washie the Cleaner Toilet Seat to test new product

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Woozy Barnes)

BLOKES IN ACTION

’Bored’ bike shop employees try to cremate mouse – accidentally burn down shop

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW VOMIT FRAUD OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Florida Lyft rider faces steep fee following alleged 'vomit fraud'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Cheese Made From Celebrity Belly Button and Armpit Bacteria Goes on Display

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

Woman coats car with cow dung to keep it cool

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT NOW WE KNOW HIS SECRET IDENTITY

Maryland man who drives Batmobile replica ends up tracking down driver after hit-and-run

(Thanks to pharmaross)

 

ATTENTION, MEN WHO DRINK:

Do not, under any circumstances, click here.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

‘IT’S OK, OFFICERS. WE’RE IN A PLAY.’

Get ready for more naked Shakespeare in Prospect Park this summer

(Thanks to pharmaross)

May 21, 2019

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

The 5-foot-long lizard that was on the loose in Key Largo is finally off the streets

(Thanks to Eric Y)

DEFINITELY WORTH GOING TO JAIL OVER

A dispute over custody of a hedgehog turned violent Sunday evening when a Florida woman allegedly struck her mother several times in an attempt to take the spiny mammal from the family’s home.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

YIKES

Texas family puts out traps for mouse in house, catches snakes instead

(Thanks to Laura)

YES

Making your kids go vegan can mean jail time in Belgium

(Thanks to John Gregg, who says “I’m not sure why they took the death penalty off of the table.”)

HE HAD NO CHOICE

Man doesn’t get pepperoni on pizza, uses gun to threaten store manager

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and John Lobert)

THAT’S THEIR STORY AND THEY’RE STICKING TO IT

Here's why sheep was in back seat of Middletown police cruiser

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

CRIMESTOPPER OF THE WEEK SO (burrppp) FAR

Brewery offers free beer for info on stolen van, 42 minutes later, it was located

(Thanks to Greg Snow) 

BETTER THAN ON THE SOFA

Vacationers Find Alligator Lounging on Alligator Pool Float at Their Miami Airbnb

(Thanks to Dave Vander Ark, Ralph, pharmaross and Allen at Division)

‘ROUND THESE PARTS WE HANG LEMUR RUSTLERS

Man accused of Newport Beach burglaries pleads guilty to stealing endangered lemur from Santa Ana Zoo

(Thanks to man tom)

IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE GREAT WHITE SHARK GETS THEM

Goats arrive in Riverside Park to eat invasive weeds

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HE WOULD KNOW

Ghostbusters' Dan Aykroyd says aliens are here - and they want sex with human women

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says “Human women?”)

SHOCKER: ‘BOTH MEN SMELLED OF ALCOHOL’

Two men end up in court after row about rescuing a duck in McDonald’s

(Thanks to John Lobert) 

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Nurse, 46, uses emotional support pet SKUNK called Pongo to

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Miami’s flying car port is almost finished. And the flying cars are not far behind

(Thanks to man tom and pharmaross)

THE SPIDER WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Georgia woman’s van rolls into river, sinks after spider scare

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

DO NOT EVEN *THINK* ABOUT TRYING THIS IN MIAMI

D.C.’s worst idea ever: Giving regular people the power to issue parking tickets

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

 
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