Dave Barry's Blog

NORTH TEXAS DINING REPORT

North Texas Mr. Jim’s Restaurant Temporarily Shuts Down After Employees Allegedly Put Miralax On Pizza

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Barry Nester and Rod Nunley)

MAYBE, FOR GOOD LUCK, THEY SHOULD TOSS THIS PASSENGER FROM THE PLANE

Another airline passenger tosses coins at plane for good luck, gets whole flight delayed

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CELEBRITY UPDATE

Justin opens the song with "Hi, I'm a baboon, I'm like a man, just less advanced and my anus is huge."

(Thanks to pharmaross)

STATESPERSONS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Rival politicians accused each other of using drugs. The result was a showdown at a urinalysis lab.

Send them and their urine samples to Washington.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Hayseed Tom)

DUDE, THAT'S A NEARLY THREE-DAY SUPPLY

Oregon has 1 million pounds of unsold cannabis

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

EVIDENTLY CHUCK E. CHEESE'S WAS CLOSED

Police break up massive brawl at Worlds of Fun

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

SOON TO BE AN ACTION MOVIE

A man carrying a glass of beer has been rescued from the sea

They managed to persuade him to wade back to the shore, where he was met by the police and given suitable advice.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Monitor lizard removed from gas station toilet

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

THE WHO?

The Hu Brings Mongolian Metal to No. 1 on Hard Rock Digital Song Sales Chart

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "Hu's on first.")

NAME THAT CONTINENT!

Snake devours huge frogmouth outside woman's window, disturbing video shows

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

Bulletproof Men's Underwear

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Semi hauling human waste overturns on eastbound I-90

(Thanks to B'game, who says "It was eastbound for Washington, DC.")

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

Ancient pee stains help pinpoint humans' switch from hunters to herders, study shows

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BUT MILKING THE TOAD CAN BE STRESSFUL

Smoking Psychedelic Toad Milk Could Alleviate Depression For Up To Four Weeks

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

IN FLORIDA, THIS COUNTS AS VOTER SUPPRESSION

CNN reporter stomps Florida lizard during live report

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HOLY WEEK IN FLORIDA

The Easter Bunny literally beat someone up in downtown Orlando last night

HAPPY EASTER, BLOG PEEPS

WHAT LANGUAGE IS THIS?

I think this is a translation of Lessons From Lucy, but I have no idea what it says. It doesn't seem to say "Lucy" anywhere.

The dog looks kind of like Lucy, but psychedelic.

LIFE ON THE COCKROACH FARM

As farmer Li Bingcai opened the door to his cockroach farm in southwest China, an insect the size of a dart flew into his face.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

REST IN PEAS

Washington may become first state to legalize human composting

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

THEY'RE ALSO A GREAT OPENING ACT

Glowing millipede genitalia help scientists tell species apart

(Thanks to Ralph)

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Why Does Coffee Make You Poop?

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

DESPITE THE WIDESPREAD AVAILABILITY OF PSYCHIC MEDIUMS

Most people who die of natural causes do not seek medical help

(Thanks to John Gregg)

IT’S A MIRACLE

Drunk on smoke: Notre Dame's bees survive cathedral blaze

(Thanks to Hayseed Tom)

‘WE THE NIPPLE’

On June 2, between 100 and 200 people will gather in New York City, posing naked to challenge Instagram and Facebook's nudity policies.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

McDonald's investigated after multiple claims of worms in soft drink cups: 'We're absolutely disgusted'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Rare world's fattest parrot has record breeding season

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ATTENTION STEPHEN KING

'Dead' dog digs out of its GRAVE and returns to its stunned Russian owners who'd buried it’

(Thanks to John Gregg)

HENCEFORTH IT WILL BE KNOWN AS ‘SWASTIKA WOODS’

Cherry Hills Village residents change name of ‘Swastika Acres’ subdivision

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

‘A DROOPY UNDERCARRIAGE’

Barbara the sheep has to wear a DD bra because her udders droop to the floor

(Thanks to pharmaross)

“HE SAID, ‘OW!’”

65-year-old woman beats half-naked, 300-pound man with bat

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Andrew Mendez)

IF YOU WATCH ONLY ONE THAI TERMITE-SPRAY COMMERCIAL THIS WEEK...

...make it this one.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

BOLO

Search underway for missing Humble man with distinct face tattoo

(Thanks to Steve K.)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS’ LICENSES

Bloodsucking worms from invasive pythons in Florida may spread across US, study finds

(Thanks to pharmaross and Le Petomane)

 

WE DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU WHERE DUNEDIN IS

A naked man burglarized a Little League concession stand in Dunedin

(Thanks to pharmaross and Gig)

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA TRACTOR LICENSE

A Florida man didn’t want his wife to leave the house, so he got in his tractor

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

SEND THESE PIGS TO WASHINGTON

Scientists revive brain function in dead pigs

(Thanks to Rick Day, Rod Nunley, Ranald Adams, Le Petomane and Al Barkafski)

ACHOO

Sex could help cure hayfever, scientists claim

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Ohio man swings iguana over head by tail, flings at restaurant manager: cops

(Thanks to Dave Roe, Le Petomane, Mark Schlesinger, Stan Ruth, Geoff, pharmaross, Allen at Division, Steven, DaninDallas and Rod Nunley)

SOMETIMES A MAN HAS TO TAKE A STAND

HUNGRY, DUDE?

Carl's Jr. to test CBD-infused burger at this 1 restaurant on 4/20

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CSI: SOUTH STAFFORDSHIRE

The South Staffordshire Police said they responded Monday night to a report of an ostrich on the loose in Wombourne and arrived to find a wandering rhea bird -- a smaller cousin of the ostrich.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE’RE NOT ENGINEERS, BUT IT SEEMS TO US IT’D BE A LOT EASIER TO JUST START THE TRUCK ENGINE

A Harnessed Herd of Ten Four-Legged SpotMini Robots Pull a Truck Across the Boston Dynamics Parking Lot

(Thanks to John Lobert and Ralph)

TURNS OUT THE PENALTY IS MERELY LIFE IN PRISON

Thailand tourism authority clarifies remarks from Phuket airport chief, says tourists won't face death penalty over photos with low-flying planes

(Thanks to man tom)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Woman Trashes St. Louis Burger Joint Over Lack Of Chocolate Ice Cream

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Jeff Meyerson)

WE’RE NOT SURE THEY REALLY THOUGHT THIS THROUGH

ADVISORY

"There will be no snakes at this Friday's Anti-Prom at the library," a clarifying Facebook post said. "There was a typo in a local paper that said we will have snakes. We will have snacks. Snacks is what we will have."

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

GUY NIGHTMARES

Texas woman allegedly attacks husband after getting silence when she asked if she's pretty

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Jack Eberling)

AND IN SPORTS

World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship to launch in Finland

(Thanks to Ralph)

BECAUSE THEY’RE BORED?

Why Montreal researchers are measuring the brain activity of opera-goers

(Thanks to the Perts)

By “they,” we mean the researchers. Also the opera-goers.