Dave Barry's Blog

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

New wireless device sends phone alert when bladder gets full

A chicken embryo with a dinosaur-like snout instead of a beak has been developed by scientists

(Thanks to Rod Nunley) 

NEITHER OF THESE ITEMS SHOULD BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Man with recorder fights man wielding potted plant in Hougang, plays instrument when police arrive

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN THAT CASE, MR. BOURNE — OR WHATEVER YOUR TRUE IDENTITY IS — YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Florida man gets drunk, tells cops he's Jason Bourne

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THEY ARE PLANNING SOMETHING

Squirrel takes a ride on the subway in Boston

(Thanks to Dave Roe)

MICHIGAN MAN POPS CAR HOOD TO FIND 50 POUNDS OF PINECONES STORED BY SQUIRREL

(Thanks to Chris Elaine)

 

PAGING THE OREGON STATE HIGHWAY DIVISION

Whales trained by Russia's military may be harassing fishermen from NATO ally Norway

(Thanks to Fabian Matson)

ALSO, BEARS NEED TO STOP POOPING IN THE WOODS

Pope Francis urges hairdressers to stop gossiping

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

SHE ALSO ATTACKED HIM WITH A VCR TAPE *AND* A LEAF BLOWER

A New York woman found herself behind bars after she called 911 and asked the operator for advice on how to kill her boyfriend, according to WIVB. 

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that “Amazingly, alcohol was involved.”)

WE DON’T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE, BUT WE KNOW WHERE IT WAS HEADED

Driver abandons camper on pedestrian bridge over I-205

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

SOUTH PEORIA: CITY OF PASSION

In boozy argument, girlfriend tears off boyfriend’s colostomy bag in South Peoria

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

Child, adult taken to hospital after violent brawl at Chuck E. Cheese's

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

‘THE POWER OF THE WILLY’

Middlesbrough Council fills potholes after penis graffiti protest

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, FEEL FREE TO RESUME SHOPLIFTING

Deputies say Fruggiero had committed three thefts at the Walmart in a week but Fruggiero says due to his blood sugar diabetes, he does not always know what he is doing, and does not remember stealing from the Walmart on State Road 54.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NOW YOU KNOW

No, Putting Garlic in Your Vagina Will Not Cure a Yeast Infection

(Thanks to many many people)

THE CHURCH ALSO SELLS VINTAGE CLOTHING AND RENTS ROLLER BLADES

Rastafarian church in Downtown Madison distributes cannabis as city tries to stop it

(Thanks to Rick Day)

TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE

Rich guys are most likely to have no idea what they’re talking about, study suggests

(Thanks to Alkali Bill and The Perts)

'THE ONLY THING HE LIKES MORE THAN CAT FOOD IS SEX'

Lusty peacock is on the loose (and on the prowl) in Loudoun Co.

(Thanks to Dave Kearns)

GUYS IN ACTION

A Little Rock man who was shot in the genitals Wednesday drove about 150 miles to a hospital in a neighboring state for treatment, police reported.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

THIS WOULD EXPLAIN SO MUCH

Oxford University professor claims aliens are already breeding with humans on earth

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Paul Pitrak, Mark Schlesinger and pharmross)

AND STAY OFF HIS LAWN

A Florida man is facing charges after he threatened employees of a lawn care company with a gun because they left grass clippings in his walkway, according to authorities.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR IT

Meth smoking Florida man attacks mattress in jealous rage yesterday

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, pharmaross and Ralph)

A FLORIDA PILOT'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

McCall Fire says crews were called out to Poorman Creek up Boulder Lake Road after the pilot called 911 and said his plane was stuck in a tree.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

WOMAN'S BEST FRIEND

"When you don't got 30p for the toilet."

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

THE ORIGINAL TINDER

New study finds the egg may actually 'choose' the Sperm

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko, who says "This means that all faulty behavior of your teenage children can now be blamed exclusively on the mother.")

BOLO

He was last seen wearing a white T-shirt with a “Captain Louie Jr” logo, dark-colored pants, prescription glasses, and yellow caution tape wrapped around his waist.

(Thanks to Al Barkaski)

IT IMMEDIATELY LAWYERED UP

Parrot taken into custody by police in Brazil for trying to warn drug dealers of raid

(Thanks to Steve K,. Ann, Ralph, DaninDallas and Not My Usual Alias)

OTHER THAN THAT IT'S A DELIGHTFUL VINTAGE

The Missouri Division of Alcohol and Tobacco Control is warning that six types of bottled wine manufactured by the Casa de Loco winery could explode.

(Thanks to Dave Kearns)

IT HAS FIRE COMING OUT OF THE CHIMNEY

Man with a disco shed on his head stalks the city streets

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHEN CATS START KILLING THEIR SLEEPING OWNERS...

...we will know why.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO WADDLE AWAY

Man says he's 'too fat' for DUI test

Guess the state.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Judge Judy changes up her hair for the first time in decades

(Thanks to The Perts)

BOLO

3 People Steal $450,000 Worth Of Colonoscopes From Lankenau Medical Center, Police Say

(Thanks to Marie)

LIBBY: CRIME HOTBED OF FLATHEAD COUNTY

5:59 a.m. A Libby woman called 911 to make sure she wasn’t going to be blamed for kidnapping her son.

8:48 a.m. A Libby resident reported that something mysterious fell down a chimney.

9:27 a.m. A Libby man had information about two different crimes: The theft of millions of dollars and some sort of bombing.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

INSECT GUYS IN ACTION

How sex-crazed insects mate non-stop for 79 DAYS, have eyes on their penises and continue bonking even when their head’s been chopped off

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

Hunter filmed ordering McDonald’s while carrying dead deer over his shoulder

(Thanks to Hayseed Tom and Allen at Division)

SURE, IT'S 'ADORABLE' UNTIL IT GETS HOLD OF HIS GUN

Adorable video shows squirrel clinging to police officer's leg

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND THEN IT ATE THEM

People Stop Traffic To Help Enormous Snake Safely Cross The Road

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet, who notes with surprise that this was not in Australia)

YET ANOTHER REASON TO BAN ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC

A preliminary analysis done by UM scientists show toadfish, a species that is common to Biscayne Bay with a physiology that lends itself to study of stress response, heard the music and exhibited acute stress levels during Ultra’s first day on Virginia Key. The report shows the fish were less stressed than if they were in a crowded tank but more stressed than if they heard the pop sounds from a dolphin, a species with a taste for toadfish.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

THEY SCARED IT AWAY BY THREATENING IT WITH HAGGIS

Kids find 7ft boa constrictor on their doorstep in Scotland

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Pennsylvania Honors the Snot Otter

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and LAschkenasy)

UPDATE

A man in an Easter bunny suit who went viral after breaking up a fight between a man and a woman in Florida has a criminal record and an outstanding warrant in New Jersey.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who informs this blog that he is "shocked.")

AND THIS WAS BEFORE THE DISCOVERY OF KETCHUP

Analysis of caveman’s poo reveals he ate an entire RATTLESNAKE

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, Rod Nunley, Matt Filar, pharmaross, Hayseed Tom, Le Petomane and Al Barkafski)

IDAHO: THE GLAMOUR STATE

Big Idaho Potato turned into a hotel

(Thanks to pharmaross and Matt Filar)

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

Plastic Surgeons Can Now Sculpt Belly Fat Into a Weird Chiseled Six-Pack

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

THESE KIDS TODAY

An Arizona mother was arrested for allegedly assaulting her son for not keeping a "good enough" lookout as his grandmother shoplifted.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'EAT IT IF YOU WANT TO. YOUR GARBAGE IS COMING HOME.'

Filipino President Rodrigo Duterte on Tuesday reportedly threatened to "declare war" against Canada within the next week if the country fails to remove tons of garbage that was previously shipped to Manila.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NAME THAT STATE!

Deputies said a man pulled down his pants and exposed himself to drivers while advertising for a concealed weapons class.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BUT WAS IT COVERED BY INSURANCE?

Ambulance that hit pothole on way to hospital may have saved patient's life, doctors say

(Thanks to pharmaross and Dave Roe, who says "We must save about a million lives a year, where I live.") (Also Rod Nunley, who says "Oh, great, now they have a reason not to fix them.")

'I'M NOT SAYING THIS, HONEY. *SCIENCE* IS SAYING THIS.'

Housework could keep brain young, research suggests

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

Also: Sex is the answer to a better night's sleep, researchers claim

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

JERSEY CARES

The mannequins dressed as sexy Playboy Bunnies on display on the corner lawn of a Clifton dental office now have a purpose: raising money to help rebuild Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

$17 MILLION SEEMS FAIR

Nicolas Cage’s wife of four days seeks spousal support

(Thanks to pharmaross)