Dave Barry's Blog

OINK

Feds seize 1 million lbs. of pork smuggled from China to N.J. port amid African swine fever outbreak

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes and Rod Nunkey, who asks "Why smuggle in foreign pork when we have Congress?")

OOPS

Bride demanded refund for 'lost' flowers - but florist saw them in wedding snaps

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

'IT IS UNKNOWN WHERE THE COW CAME FROM'

NYPD officers corral wayward cow running on Bronx highway

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER THE HORSE PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

California Highway Patrol officers made an "equine stop" Sunday and pulled over a 49-year-old man suspected of riding a horse while intoxicated near Watsonville.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man tests Tesla Autopilot anti-collision feature by trying to run over his WIFE

(Thanks to Jack Eberling)

SO HOW WAS YOUR COMMUTE?

Six men in court after 'stripping off and throwing POO at each other on a train'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT ALIENS

NASA issues space herpes warning as virus reactivates in astronauts

(Thanks to Dave Roe, Steve Thompson, Mark Schlesinger and pharmaross)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY VISIT

A woman visiting her parents’ Long Island burial plot descended into more than despair — she sank hip-deep into their grave, a lawsuit claims.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and pharmaross)

SWITCH TO DECAF

A man has claimed an adverse reaction to coffee forced him to throw up in a Hastings movie theatre, headbutt a staff member and resist police arrest.

(Thanks to Ralph)

GUESS WHAT HE WAS CHARGED WITH

Florida man accused of throwing pancake batter at woman arrested

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

SHE WAS EMBARRASSED, BUT NOT TOO EMBARRASSED TO PUT IT ON FACEBOOK

Alyssa Stringfellow, 25, sent a car insurer photos of herself instead of her car.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE CONSTITUTION

Hillsborough calls Flintstone House a ‘public nuisance’

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

SEND THIS TURKEY TO WASHINGTON

A turkey appeared to play the role of a crossing guard so other turkeys could cross the road amid traffic.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE CONSIDERED MAKING A HUGH HEFNER JOKE HERE, BUT WE HAVE TOO MUCH CLASS

World’s Oldest Semen, Frozen for 50 Years, Successfully Used to Impregnate Sheep

(Thanks to The Fourth George)

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

German police say a drunken man with a fire extinguisher smashed his way into the driver’s cab of a high-speed train running from Frankfurt to Paris and demanded that the driver slow down.

(Thanks to EricY)

BECAUSE THEY'RE AUSTRALIANS

Australians rescued a giant spider. The rest of the world wonders why.

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

A HERO FOR OUR TIMES

Boy gets taught important lesson for not taking feet off train seat by total stranger

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

SEXY!

“Took some lad home with me and he undone my bra and loads of chicken nuggets just came falling out,” she wrote.

(Thanks to Hayseed Tom)

YIKESSSSSS

En route to Australia, we assume...

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THIS IS NOT GOOD

ESA Space Orbiter Detects ‘Hairy Blue Spider’ on Mars

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

AS IS HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

An Oklahoma woman was arrested after authorities say she used a T-shirt gun to launch drugs, cellphones and other contraband over a prison fence.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GET READY

NASA are going to probe deeper into Uranus than they ever have before.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HELLO, 911?

A succinct, two-section bill introduced this week in the Georgia General Assembly would make men 55 and older self-report each and every time they ejaculate — immediately, to the nearest law enforcement agency.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

“Nurses were removing Morrison’s underwear and located a clear plastic baggy containing a clear crystal substance stuck to his left buttocks,” the deputy said. The deputy identified the substance as Crystal Meth.

Morrison told the deputy that his friends “might have put it in his underwear and not realized that it was there.”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Related: Norwalk man stored crack between buttocks

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who asks "Is that a crime now?")

THE DRIVER ALREADY HAS HIS FLORIDA LICENSE

Police said a customer was seated in the path of the crash, but he got up to grab some hot sauce packets before the car went into the building.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DOES BEING AN AWARD-WINNING GENETICIST REALLY MAKE YOU WEIRD?

There's a kernel of truth to that statement.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

'THEY WERE AN UNUSUAL SHAPE WITH STRANGE MARKINGS'

Man fails to smuggle tortoises disguised as pastries into Berlin Airport

We saw Tortoises Disguised As Pastries open for the Talking Heads.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

UPDATE

The Man Who Vowed To Give Up Food In Favor Of Beer For Lent Has Already Lost A Bunch Of Weight

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

BOLO

Person with unicorn costume, crowbar robs store

(Thanks to Ralph)

Related: Florida man dresses as Spider-Man, steals liquor and cigarettes

(Thanks to The Perts)

A REAL CHALLENGE FOR PICKPOCKETS

A Guy Is Traveling On The Subway With A Giant Structural Steel Beam

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY

Somebody in China won a ten-year supply for toilet paper.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

AN URGENT PLEA

Kern County Animal Services in need of Miracle Nipples

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CANADA: A NATION ON THE BRINK OF ANARCHY

Guess Who frontman Burton Cummings tells Moose Jaw dance studio to turn down the music

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHY YOU DON'T WANT YOUR PHONE TO BE TOO THIN

Hit by an arrow, mobile phone dies saving Australian man

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS SET THIS WHOLE THING UP

Firefighters pull off bizarre rescue operation - with the help of some lettuce - after family's German Shepherd gets stuck down a tunnel BEHIND their 80lb tortoise

(Thanks to Roberto)

The Struggle Is Real, People:

Chattanooga firefighters rescue dog trapped in wall after failed squirrel chase

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Squirrels ‘declare war,’ maple syrup producers say

(Thanks to many people)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guy Breaks Sliding Glass Door Flying Drone Into It At High Speed

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'UNIMOONS?'

But during their 2016 trip, the Dublin-based couple didn’t share the same bed, they didn’t eat a meal together nor did they officially consummate their marriage during their honeymoon. That’s because Ms. O’Brien, 37, a stylist and writer, and Mr. Maclaine, 40, a golf and corporate photographer, took separate honeymoons, otherwise known as solomoons or unimoons. After their wedding, Ms. O’Brien celebrated in Canada, while Mr. Maclaine and his friends flew to France.

(Thanks to Ross C)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU AND YOUR 'FRIEND' ARE FREE TO GO

Nashville man accused of crashing into pole blames nonexistent 'friend'

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

THIS IS NOWHERE NEAR THE SCARIEST THING ON OUR HIGHWAYS

Giant shark sculpture spotted on Florida highway

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE NEWS FROM ENGLAND

A goat was found 25 miles away from home trying to catch a tram to Manchester.

This has been The News From England.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Probably just upset because he lost the mayoral race.")

WE'RE NOT SURE THE DOG WOULD FIND THIS PREFERABLE TO BEING EATEN BY COYOTES

The CoyoteVest.

(Thanks to Rebecca Bleser)

SHE HAS 'THOUSANDS OF FOLLOWERS'

Woman films herself reviewing bars of soap online by tasting and eating them

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDA PARAMEDIC OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Billings told the police “he punched Dolan with a closed fist ‘a couple times’ to subdue him. Billings advised he was aiming for Dolan’s chest but may have actually struck him in the face.”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF RESEARCHERS WITH WAY TOO MUCH SPARE TIME

Exposing cheese to round-the-clock music could give it more flavor and hip hop might be better than Mozart, Swiss researchers said on Thursday.

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Exposure to Barry Manilow music results in rancid cheese.")

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

A New Hampshire man is facing an impaired driving charge after police say he fled the scene of an early morning crash in Concord and was later found driving down the street with no front bumper and only two wheels.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

TWO POSSIBLY RELATED STORIES FROM CANADA

N.B. government agency offers lessons on how to roll a joint

Vulcan amends the town budget ... to buy Star Trek uniforms for councillors at $620 apiece

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

CLEVER, DUDE

Artist carves out plan for big wooden bong for the town of Woodenbong

(Thanks to Ralph)

SUNSHINE STATE WILDLIFE REPORT

Giant lizard found in Florida toilet bowl

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

A worrying new survey has revealed that around half of Brits don’t know where the vagina is

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

SEND LINCOLN TO WASHINGTON

Lincoln the goat sworn in as Vermont town's new mayor, immediately defecates

(Thanks to many people)