Dave Barry's Blog

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Climate change could melt decades worth of human poop at Denali National Park in Alaska

(Thanks to Rick Day)

IN BOCA RATON, THEY'RE LIKE... WHY??

The Queen, 92, is to 'give up driving on public roads' following Prince Philip's horror car crash two months ago

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Officer pulls over a swerving motorist only to find that he has two PIGS sitting in his lap

(Thanks to Another Ralph, who notes that the pigs produced valid Florida drivers' licenses.)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

‘Cow toilets’ created by Dutch inventor

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Roberto, Mark Schlesinger, Asher Scheiner and Michael Moyer. who says "I'm not using it after they do.")

TOOT

Here’s a nice review of Lessons From Lucy from... Guam! Which I believe is a real place.

GUYS IN ACTION

Irishman’s fart sets off carbon monoxide alarm in Dublin after St. Patrick's Day pints

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE’LL PROBABLY GET OVER IT IN A FEW DECADES

Mum's attempt to make giraffe Easter bonnet for son results in 'Penis Hat'

(Thanks to John Lobert, pharmaross and Asher)

WE'VE ALL DONE IT

Nicolas Cage drunkenly got married in Las Vegas by mistake

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "In that case, sir, feel free to go and make Con Air 2.")

THE BUCKEYE STATE: ROMANCE IN THE AIR

Ohio couple accused of having sex on Ferris wheel in front of children

(Thanks to pharmaross and Jeffrey Meyerson, who says "Wait, this is wrong?")

WHAT CHOICE DID HE HAVE?

Suspected drunk driver took Wayne State bus because ‘the keys were in it,’ police say

(Thanks to Geoff Scott, who says "In that case, sir...")

AS THEIR ROBES BILLOWED OUTWARD

Flatulence in the workplace is not a form of bullying, Australian appeals court rules

(Thanks to Charles Indelicato, John Lobert and Jack Eberling)

WE HATE TO KEEP BRINGING UP THE FLYING CARS WE WERE PROMISED, BUT...

Boston Dynamics’ latest robot is a mechanical ostrich that loads pallets

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AT LAST WE CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT

Mystery of plastic Garfield novelty phones washing up along French coast solved after 30 years

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

WAIT... WHAT KIND OF LAWSUIT?

TriHealth drops confetti penis lawsuit, says incident unrelated to bomb threat

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YIKES

Surveillance footage captured a Turkish man flying through the air on the base of a patio umbrella after trying to hold it down during severe winds.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Not My Usual Alias)

HOWEVER FAR AWAY YOU ARE FROM AUSTRALIA, YOU NEED TO MOVE FARTHER

Enormous shark found with head bitten off by even bigger beast off Australia coast

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THIS IS THE THANKS YOU GET FOR PROMPTNESS

Airport valet caught speeding at 145 mph

(Thanks to Jack Eberling)

THIS BEING AUSTRALIA, IT PROBABLY CONTAINED AT LEAST FOUR VENOMOUS CREATURES

Australian police lockdown train station over didgeridoo

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says “Unfortunately, the bagpipes escaped detection.”)

THIS WOULD BE A GOOD GIG AFTER YOU BURN THE 1,000 POUNDS OF POT

Space scientists want to pay you $19,000 to lay in bed for 2 months

(Thanks to Steve K., who says “for half that, I’ll do it for four months.”)

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

(Thanks to Andrew Simmons, who says “I can’t bring myself to try this, so I can’t confirm whether the meaty chunks of chicken free chicken taste like chicken.”)

WE’RE GONNA NEED MORE PIZZAS, DUDE

DEA looking for a contractor who can burn 1,000 pounds of marijuana per hour

(Thanks to Stan Ruth, pharmaross and Peter Metrinko)

SHE SEEMS FUN

'Worst' airline passenger has meltdown over not being served Pepsi: 'She looked like a demon'

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Not My Usual Alias)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

A Midwest man who brought his coworkers bagels sliced like bread, then bragged about it on Twitter, is getting an earful from New Yorkers -- including the NYPD.

(Thanks to Ralph)

EVEN MORE THAN USUAL?

Irish villagers complain Viagra plant fumes have men and dogs walking around with 'hard-ons'

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALL UNITS ARE ON THE WAY

Florida woman arrested for calling 911 on boyfriend for 'not being nice'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT HAD A VALID STATE CHAUFFEUR’S LICENSE

Alligator removed from Florida school bus stop

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'IDIOTS' IS TOO KIND A WORD

Idiots Purposefully Drive ATV Right Into Pond

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "taking shortcut to Mensa meeting.")

IT'S A WAR, PEOPLE, AND WE ARE LOSING

Squirrels blamed for huge hole in California road

(Thanks to Malcolm Hoar)

IF THAT'S NOT A POLICE EMERGENCY, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IS

A Cleveland woman recently called 911 to make an unusual complaint: her chicken gyro was “nasty.”

(Thanks to Stever)

TRUE, BUT....

New York mobster, who served jail time age 100 because he didn't rat: 'Jesus suffered. He didn't squeal on nobody'

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO PUT YOUR SHOES ON AND GO

Police say an Ohio man who was allegedly caught with cocaine in his sock told officers, 'These aren't my socks.'

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

REALITY INTRUDES

Bikini model’s beach shoot goes wrong thanks to ‘the greatest photobomb of ALL time’

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHO CAN BLAME HIM?

British man ‘tried to flee Australia on jet ski armed with a crossbow’

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ACTIVE INGREDIENT

An energy drink was just banned after it was found to contain Viagra

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Florida man is accused of attacking his mother after she refused to dress his mannequin Monday night.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

HEY, IT GETS WARM DOWN HERE

Naked woman crossing busy Florida freeway stuns drivers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and pharmaross)

AND HE’S HAPPY TO SEE YOU!

Thief stuffs 4-foot python down his pants at pet store

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ALWAYS A SOUND COURTROOM TACTIC

Florida inmate punches public defender in head during court hearing,

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Gig)

NO NEED TO GUESS THE STATE

Spring is here; it's time for Tips For Living With Alligators

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, PLEASE ALLOW US TO ESCORT YOU

Woman leads police on wild chase says she was 'late for work'

You can tell she's not from Miami, because even during a police chase she signals a lane change.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

CSI: PEORIA

PEORIA — A loud fracas erupted on the East Bluff when two house guests refused to remove their shoes, prompting neighbors to call police.

Also a hullabaloo ensued.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "Let's hope no one was injured in the fracas -- that makes it tough to sit.")

EVEN FOR AUSTRALIA, THIS IS SCARY

Crocodile chases fishermen away from their catch, sends them running for their lives

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

LESSONS FROM LUCY

So here's Lucy with my new book Lessons from Lucy, which basically explains why Lucy (a dog) is smarter than I (technically a human). The book will be published on Tuesday, April 2, but we're having a pre-publication kickoff event on, appropriately enough, April 1, at 7:30 p.m. at Coral Gables Congregational Church. The event is hosted by Books & Books, and although Lucy won't be there -- she'll be home reading -- there will be rescue dogs that YOU CAN ADOPT thanks to the wonderful dog-loving folks of Friends of Miami Animals. So you can get a book AND (Why not?) a dog.

After that I'll be going on a nationwide book tour that will probably result in my demise, while Lucy lounges around the house emitting dog farts and occasionally barking at the mail person as part of her ongoing, and so far successful, effort to keep the mail person from attacking the household. These are the roles we have chosen.

Anyway, I hope to see some of you out there on the road, assuming I am still alive when I get to your city.

Lessons From Lucy will also be available as an audiobook, read by me. Pre-order your copy for delivery on April 2nd:

B&N: http://bit.ly/2T3HbjN
Google Play: http://bit.ly/2SWjUjT
Amazon: https://amzn.to/2SWP4rj
Audible: https://adbl.co/2SYKLMi

WHY WE NEED ORBITING MALLS

The US space agency NASA scrapped Monday a planned historic spacewalk by two women astronauts, citing a lack of available spacesuits that would fit them at the International Space Station.

(Thanks to Phil McCavity)

THAT’S PUNISHMENT ENOUGH

Drunk driver sprayed Axe in his mouth to mask the smell of alcohol, SC deputies say

(Thanks to Vernon)

BEER: IS THERE ANYTHING IT CAN’T DO?

Kodak says a new beer hitting the market can be used to develop its Super 8 movie film.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

YOU KNOW THE STATE

Pizzeria Owner Targeted In Slice Fusillade

We saw Slice Fusillade open for the Who.

(Thanks to Barry Nester and Le Petomane)

HEH

AirAsia apologises, drops 'Get off in Thailand' promotion

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

AND IN SPORTS

Seagull imitators face off in Belgian championship

The video is pretty great.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NAH. THEY COULDN'T HANDLE THE BOOK TOURS.

The rise of robot authors: is the writing on the wall for human novelists?

(Thanks to Le Petomane)